Realization

I have come to the realization that when I problem comes into my life (which is farily regularly), I do my best to deal with it, but if it's too big or too hard or doesn't go away right away...I just compartmentalize it and put it in the back of my mind. It's like I put the problem in a box and push it into the back of my mind. I have come to realize that is the only way that I am somewhat sane. I would lose my mind or be in a constant state of depression if I didn't. However, doing this means I never fully deal with my problems, and the tougher ones comes back to bite me in the ass. For example, the Jonathan situation. Most days, I don't think about it...ok that's a lie...but most days its only a fleeting thought. Other days, I dwell on it. It still hurts a lot. I know I won't always care, but it's hard to admit that I still do care. Mehh stupid men and stupid feelings.

Fears Founded

Well...we're officially gettin kicked out. I think we have til the end of July to stay here...
Which means I'm gonna have to go live with my dad and my grandma ='[

This has officially been the worst summer of my life, and sadly, its not even half over yet. Its definitely been like life knocked me down and kicked me while I was down. It might have let me get up and think I was standing on solid ground, only to knock me down again.

Emotionally Exhausted

Part of me wants to forgive her. I really really do. I miss my friend. But I don't know how. It would be relief not to feel the hate that I feel for both of them. But I don't know how to forgive this. I don't feel like I have it in me to forgive this. It's too much to forgive. When I think about them separately, I feel like I could forgive them, but thinking about them being together behind my back brings back that hate and the frustration and the sadness that I feel for both of them. And it's not like they're from 2 separate parts of my life. She was always at my house, and he lives here too. The thought of going back to her constantly being at my house makes my stomach churn. The trust and faith in both of them has left my mind and my heart. Things would never be the same. And what's the point of trying to resume a friendship that I don't have trust and faith in anymore? I'd always hold it against her, I'd always resent her for it, and I'd always be paranoid that it would happen again. So what am I supposed to do?

Deactivated

deactivated my fb...doubt it'll last long...but I don't feel like having the world of fb know my business. These days, life is less than pleasant.

Update

What I don't understand is this...
Why can't exes be friends? My ex Nick...I don't have feelings for him anymore. I hit him up tonight just to chat. It's been a while since we talked. Ok, yes, the last time I saw him, we hooked up...and well everytime we see each other, we hook up. But I wasn't trying to see him, I just wanted to talk. And tonight this is what he said "I'm not comfortable talking to you. I have a a gf and we're way serious." This was after me asking how he was and what he was up to, and jokin with him a little bit. Am I that much of a threat to your relationship that we can't even talk online? It just doesn't make any kind of sense to me. I mean...I'm not gonna hit him up anymore if that's what he wants, but I'm just honestly confused.

In other news...I'm surrounded by liars. My friend, my brother, my ex, and newly...this guy joe I had been talking to. I'm not interested in him like that...he's way too old for me, he's not attractive and well now I come to find out he's a liar too. My friend Wendy was telling me how she used to fuck with him, and she was telling me how he's fucked with other women @ work and how he says whatever he has to to get with a girl. AND...this is the biggest part...he's married! WTF?! And he lied to me about his age. What is it about me exactly that liars and backstabbers and creepers flock to me?? Why can't I just find honest people to have in my life?! I can't take any more liars.

Changes

this summer has just been ridiculous so far. And I'm not saying that in a good way. Gotta keep it movin. Gotta barrel through that bad shit in hopes of finding a silver lining/ some happiness. This summer is gonna be trying, and is going to change me, I can already feel it happening...I just hope those changes are for the better, cuz it isn't feeling that way right now.

Falling Off The Edge

I was hoping that I was just stressing too much over the whole being behind on the rent thing. But I was talking to my brother and he was like "yeah we're definitely gonna get kicked out before the end of the summer." And he's not one to be overly dramatic. I just don't know what to do. My family has helped out with paying our rent and everyone is broke right now, they can't help anymore.
If we get kicked out, I'll have to live with my dad and my grandma again. Now, this may not seem all that bad, but it is. If I had to point to a time in my life where I was really and truly depressed, it would be when I lived with them before. My dad isn't really the problem, it's my grandma. She thinks 6pm is late, I'm not allowed to go out with friends if I'm gonna be home later than like 8pm. And we get into HUGE fights about the stupidest shit. She would get mad if i had my comforter on my bed on the navy blue side instead of the side with the flowers, or the fact that I had the fan on at night in the winter time. She bitched because "it costs money"!! I was like "ok grandma, i'll give u the like 5 cents that it costs!" really?! Its unnecessary. I should've just done the summer crew thing on campus and stayed there for the summer. I don't know why I didn't. I'm kicking myself repeatedly for not doing that. I can't live there, I won't do it. And I have nowhere else to go. I wish I could pay the rent myself, cuz I'd do it, but I don't make that kind of money. And I try to talk to my mom and my brother about getting jobs, and they get mad at me. My brother says there are no jobs out there, and my mom says she can't start working again until she's better cuz apparently she's "sick." That bitch is ALWAYS "sick" she always claims that there's something wrong, yeah..it's in ur fuckin HEAD!!! And there are always jobs if u look hard enough..whether its mopping floors or working at mcdonalds, there's always SOMETHING out there! And my mom really needs to just suck it up. I don't understand how I'm the only one worried about this! I'm so fuckin stressed. I cannot deal with this shit.

Puzzles Pieces That Just Don't Fit Together

Sometimes I feel like I really don't fit with any part of my life. I'm restless and unhappy at home, and I'm mostly happy when I'm at school, but I get this nagging feeling like I'm not where I'm supposed to be. I can't really explain it, I probably sound weird, but I just don't feel like I fit. I don't feel like I'm doing anything, or accomplishing anything. I just feel like I'm going through the motions of all of it.

Bringing this chapter to a close

I'm not exactly sure what I'm bringing away from this situation, I'm not quite sure what purpose loving you and losing you served. Was it a lesson that was meant for you, or for me? What I do know is this: I don't cry about it anymore, it hurts a little less every day, and my life will go on. I'm not as strong as I'd like to be about all of this, but I do know that there's someone else out there for me, because you didn't love me, which means that there is someone out there that will love me. So I'm content knowing that one day I will find him; a guy who loves me completely, truly, and utterly.

The past is the past, but we sometimes find it hard to leave it there. Yes, I do think of what could have been a lot. But the worst is walking thru stop & shop and having memories flood my brain of me and Jonathan. However, eventually those memories will fade a bit, and that's the day I'm waiting for...

An Attempt...

In response to Sasha's comment on one of my blogs, I've decided to take her advice and try to be positive, and try to be happy. Honestly...it gets pretty hard sometimes, and it's a slow process getting over someone especially when it ended so quickly, but I'm making a solid attempt. Today is the 3rd day in a row that I haven't cried about all of this, which I see as an accomplishment. Lol and its pretty sad that that's an accomplishment. But for days I was hysterically crying, and I'm reallyyyy glad that's behind me.
Today was the LONGEST frickin day everrrr! I had to get up mad early to go to the doctor's so he could remove a mole, and it bled profusely for about 20 mins, my blood soaked thru several gauze pads and the doc was considering giving me stitches and I was like HELL NO! lol
In other news...this guy from work likes me =/. He's WAY too old for me, I'm not attracted to him, I told him such, but he still likes me. Eek! I just wanna be friends. Ugh.

It's kind of morbid, but I sometimes think if I died tomorrow, would any/all of my friends care? Would they be sad? Would they attend my funeral? Would Jonathan care? Would he be sad? It's kind of hard to think someone cares about you even a little bit when they completely cut you out of their life.

I've been thinking for days now, trying to rationalize this in my mind so I can move on. Did he just not feel the same about me anymore? Was he just scared? I know I'll never know the answers to these questions, but I just wish I could know, cuz its the not knowing that makes it so hard to move on...

Money Troubles

I'm having a minor heart attack. You know how you know there's a problem, but you kinda stop worrying about it when the problem isn't always in your face?
That's how the whole being behind on the rent thing was for me. But my landlord just knocked on our door. And I listened in on their conversation, and now I'm gettin really nervous again. My mom hasn't paid the rent for May and we're already into the month of June, and that's not even counting the 4 months rent we owe already. I'm gonna be lucky not to be out on my ass before the summer is over. =[
ughhh

Broken Heart

In the past 3 days my world has been flipped upside down. Fears that weren't even a thought in my mind have come true. Everything is just shades of gray. I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm fuckin depressed. Nothing makes sense right now. Absolutely nothing. I feel like I'm wandering around in the darkness. How could this happen? How is it that I'm that girl? Did you mean ANYTHING you said, or was it all just lies?
Part of me wants him to come back so I can just reject him. Another part of me wants him to come back, so I could be with him. But if that were to happen, I wouldn't have any respect for myself. So that's obviously not an option.
I'm just really fucking confused. Why do we allow ourselves to be open to people when it seems like we spend more time being miserable than we do being happy? Why is it worth it? I let myself be open to the possibility to love, and love found me. And for a short amount of time, I was truly and completely happy. It was disgusting how good I felt and how content I was. But my life stayed true to how its always been: when something good happens, something worse is just around the corner. And shit just went down hill. And in the past 3 days, it feels like my heart has been stomped on, and thrown over a cliff.
I just want to know WHY? If I was willing to overcome all over your drama, why weren't you? And how could you do this to me?

Living Life

I think too much. I over think things. I just want to live. I just want to do things, and not think about the consequences. I just want to be 20 years old, adn stop living like I'm 50. You only get one chance to be young, you gotta do it up right!
So if I happen to make out with Jonathan, or hook up with someone who isnt right for me...well that's life. I just want to LIVE life! Do what I want to do, fuck the consequences!

Happyyy

I was up until 5:30 this morning, feeling sorry for myself, and having a minor panic attack. Today wasn't special, nothing that would make me particularly happy. I've been sitting here on the computer trying to entertain myself, and something just snapped into focus...
I'm going to be ok!!! Life is just life. It may get hard, and it may suck sometimes, but its just life! Knowing that...I'm just really happy!!! I let life weigh me down sometimes, and I'm just sooo over it! Things will work out, and if they don't, I'll find a way to fix it. But I can't spend all my time worrying about what might happen, I'll never be happy if that's the way I choose to live my life.
And the boy is just a boy! Not the end of my frickin life! I still miss him, but it's getting easier to deal with these days.
I'm all SMILES! <3

The Rock & The Hard Place

LOL soooo umm...creeper Bill strikes again...as well as a new creeper. I've come to the conclusion that most of the employees at Stop & Shop are creepy as hell!! HAHA

Aside from that...

I've been feeling like I'm in a serious rut. I made a conscious decision to cut people out of my life that shouldn't be in it. If someone puts ZERO effort into our friendship, makes me feel bad about myself, hurts me, or is simply just toxic to my life, they're getting cut out of it. Problem with that is...that's most of my friends from home. So I have about 4 people at home that I would willingly hang out with, and I've been seeing a lot of my Asian (as she is asleep right next to me in the bed) and my bff (we patched things up =]), but not so much of my other 2 friends.
I'm so poor it's disgusting right now. I barely have money to get to work, and I won't get paid until next thursday =/

I want to be 20, and work, get paid, and have a fun summer. But I can't. As much as I find it to be extremely unfair, I have to step up and be the adult in my household. Like I said, my mom and my brother don't have jobs, and as far as I can tell, they aren't actively looking. So it's on my shoulders to pull us through this. I don't even know that I can. There are only so many hours I can work at my job, and only so many hours that they'll give me. I can't just say "fuck it" and do my own thing, as much as I wish that I could. 1. Because I'm not that person, if my family is in trouble, I feel like I have to help. 2. Because I live here too. So if I say fuck it, I'm not going to have a place to live, or food to eat.

I really just feel like I'm starting to break under this pressure. It isn't fair, and I resent it a lot. But there's no easy solution. Yes, they both should be looking for jobs, but there's only so many times I can bother them about finding something, and there's only so many times I can hear "Sam, I've looked, I've applied, there isn't anything." To me, that just seems like "Sam, I've looked/applied at all of the places that I would be willing to work." At this point, you're not too good for any job. Mopping floor, working at McDonalds, whatever pays the bills! But I clearly cannot make them understand that. So for now, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Inner Strength

Gotta find your inner strength
If you can't then just throw life away
Gotta learn to rely on you

Beauty, strength, and wisdom, too
You're beautiful inside and out
Lead a great life without a doubt
Don't need a man to make things fair
'Cuz more than likely he won't be there
Listen girl, gotta know it's true
In the end all you've got is you.

**I didn't write this, wish I did. But it speaks to me lol**

Dependent

I've realized that I've become far too dependent on the internet. I have a serious facebook addiction, and I've become addicted to writing in this blog. I also use it to check my bank account, the weather, and times for buses and trains.
I realized all of this this weekend when I was without internet. I honestly was lost on what to do at my house. Since I don't have cable, I've read almost every book I own, and I've watched every DVD I own like 800 times. I find it sad that I'm so dependent on the internet. Although, we are a computer generation. But still...it shouldn't be all that disruptive to someone's life to not have internet connection.
The events of this weekend...
Kahlil tried to get it in, but I shut him down. 1. Because I had plans already. 2. Because he asked me what I was doing for the night at 10 PM, I feel that it's extremely disrespectful for a guy to hit you up last minute, make a frickin plan with a girl. 3. Because I've noticed that if I hit him up, I never get a text or call in return. The only time I hear from him is when he wants to talk or wants to chill. It's not cute.

I started working today! YAY moneyyyyy!!! WOOOOO!!! lol. But yeah I also found out the extent of Jonathan's ex's crazyness from a co-worker today. I also found out that everyone at stop and shop thought me and Jonathan were dating, and they are all gossiping about us. It's weird to be there and know that people are talking about me. Like really...can you get a life? You don't even know me. And this guy Bill from work who is 35, has a son, is not attractive, kind of sketchy, has a girlfriend that works in the store who stares me down, and likes to fuck anything that moves has been hitting on me hardcore again. It's gross. Ur old, creepy, and with someone. He tried to kiss me today, best believe I got out of that situation is a hurry! I almost find it funny...life is like "oh you want a guy? Ok, here's one. He's creepy as hell, have FUN!" lol I'm convinced life is flipping me off.

I drank with my asian(aka Jia) and my bff last night. And we had just been discussing how we hadn't gotten into so much as an argument since 6th grade, and what happened? We got into...I don't know if I'd call it a fight, but definitely a big disagreement. She thinks I hate her now or something, but I told her that no matter what she does, even if I don't agree with it, I will always love her. To me, a best friend means that you'd do anything for that person. That you love them so much it hurts. I love her, and while I don't agree with everything she does, I'll always be there for her. God knows she's put me back together time and again, and rarely have I ever heard 'I told you so' from her. She's the only person I can truly depend on in this world. When everyone else has failed me, and abandoned me, she's always been there. I love her so much that it hurts. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her. We're tighter than blood. She IS my family, and I don't want her to ever think otherwise. And she admitted to me last night that she's scared that someone at school will replace her. I acknowledge that it's a legitimate fear for her, cuz its my fear that I'll get replaced. But in her case, it seems ridiculous. I guess she doesn't quite understand just how much I freakin love her. Yes, I'm connected to my family by DNA, but Susie is my family. I love her unconditionally. I just wish I could somehow convey this to her and put her fears at ease. Yes, I have a best friend up at school, as well as a few VERY good friends, but all of my friendships are different from each other. And maybe one day my friendships with other people might be equal to the one I have with her, but for the for-see-able future, she has been my family, my best friend, my everything for the past 8 years. That means a lot, especially to me, the girl that finds it hard to trust, and who believes letting people all the way in is an invitation to get seriously hurt. I guess I'm dependent on her. Not for my happiness, and its not like i need her to simply live my life, but I'm dependent on her because everyone needs at least one person that they trust truly and completely with out a doubt in their mind.

Summer Time

While I'm not generally a fan of HOT weather cuz I hate to sweat and be gross...today is frickin BEAUTIFUL!!!! I took a walk to a store in town and it was nice to see so many people out, I love the spirit that comes along with summer time. Little kids and their parents walking around, eating ice cream, people driving around in their cars with the music up and the windows down, the smell of sunscreen...lol!!

Sooo...I discovered a new singer...Little Jakcie...I was watching a tv show, and they had one of her songs playing as background music and it caught my attention. Her songs are awesome, they're just really upbeat I guess would be there right word. This is one of her songs...it's called "The World Should Revolve Around Me"

i take it in stride one day at a time,
if i ask no questions i hear no lies,
how come blessings only come in disguise,
i try to emphasize as i vocalize,
aint nothin gunna get between me and my flow,
aint nothin gunna come between me and my afro.
my man just left what do ya know,
easy come easy go,
he came out of the blue,
and went right back into it,
he had to forfeit cause he couldnt get with it,
called it quits and when he split
he said he didnt have time
for my juvenial bull shit,

ive had enough failed relationships
i dont get involved cause im not equiped
i believe that the world should revolve around me
im to the point of a partnership,
it wont be long till i start to trip,
yes sirr-e the world should revolve around me,

theres only one me in the galaxy,
i am an endangered species,
this kind of flower dont grow on earth
just lettin ya know for what its worth
this kind of action can cause a depression, so I bide my time with philosophical questions, not for nothin but what came first
the chicken nugget or the egg mcmuffin
i got talent and i got tits,
i know ill find another guy that wants to get with it,
im not convinced that im a
big fat bore, one mans pleasure is another mans chore,

ive had alot of failed relationships,
i dont get involved cause im not equipped
i believe that the world should revolve around me,
im to the point of a partnership
it wont be long till i start to trip,
yes sirr-e the whole world should revolve around me,

i know i rock and what i got is hot,
you know i got alot,
cause all that trippin youve got to stop
before you know it your ass be dropped
if your concerned with my biological clock,
since i'll never grow old ,
my honeys always in stock, so
keep screwin that bitch from down the block,
i dont need you around i know i rock,

ive had alot of failed relationships,
i dont get far cause im not equipped,
i believe that the world should revolve around me,
im to the point of a partnership,
it wont be long till i start to trip,
yes sirr-e the whole world should revolve around me,

ive had alot of failed relationships,
i dont get involved cause im not equipped,
i believe that the world should revolve around me,
im to the point of a partnership,
it wont be long till i start to trip,
yes sirr-e the whole world should revolve around me

Getting over it

Ok, so last night was terrible. I think I hit rock bottom. But on the bright side, hitting rock bottom means you have no where to go but up. I'm going to make an attempt to make this blog boy free...well at least this boy anyway. Whatever is meant to happen will, and there's not a whole lot I can do about it. You want things and you don't get them, or you get them and they don't work out the way you wanted, or you get what you don't want. It happens. And it's just life.
It sometimes is hard to remember that it's just love and just a boy, and that it's not the end of the world. We let emotions consume us and bury us. I had a life before this boy, and I will be just fine after him. I mean...he is part of my life still, but I'm trying to get rid of these feelings, because it's no good for me right now, and at this point, doing more harm than good.
I finally got my job back today! YAY! MONEYYYYY!!!! I have to call tomorrow to get my schedule...I know it's gonna be crazy busy! Last summer, I was working like 40 hours a week, and it was all different times....one day I would work 5-11, then next day I'd work 10-4...lol I feel like I live at that store sometimes. The job isn't the best, but a lot of the people are really cool. And i love the relationship I have with my bosses! Cuz it's not formal, we curse at each other (in a joking manner of course), and i always tell them to shut up lol! One of my managers chased me around the store one day and I had a bubble fight with another one! hahaha it has its fun moments! And the bottom line is....MONEY! I definitely need money so I can try to pay the rent (yeah I came home to us being like 4 months behind on the rent cuz my mom and brother don't have jobs right now) and I would love to still have a place to live for the summer. And whatever is left over after that will go toward having fun...and maybe some will be saved for books....LOL wowww...I'm being really optimistic about this money situation. well...we'll see what happens....gotta make it work somehow.
It's weird how you can have such an awful day, and then the next one is pretty good.
I wanted to hold off from drinkin for a bit...but the bff wants to drink tomorrow night...no more 8 shots in a row for me! Slowwwwww drinking for a while! lol <3

I'm drunk and in a lot of pain. Sasha...my intention wasn't to numb the pain when I was getting drunk, it was just for fun. But now that I'm drunk...it's like a flood gate opened ith my emotions. I'm hurting so much. I hate it, but I love him. I love him more than I can stand, it's basically unbearable at this point. All I want to do is be with him and I know I can't. I can't stop crying, it just hurts. Why do I love him? Does he love me? Are we meant to be? Is this just the end of chapter 1 for us, or was this our whole story?
God please make me stop hurting so intensely, because I can't bear another day like this. =[

Timing Is Everything

I've spent a lot of time thinking about this...
You can directly affect someone's entire life with a few words or actions. Sometimes its in a small way, or at least a way you can't obviously see, and other times, you can see it very clearly.
For example, Jonathan. If I had never told him how I felt, and told him I wouldn't be with him if he was still with his ex, he would probably still be at our job and he would probably still be with her.
Of course, this may not be true, because he hadn't been in love with her for a long time and he wanted to leave, but he probably wouldn't have had the motivation to leave if it weren't for me.
I wonder if it would have been different...maybe she still would have harassed me, and threatened him, and claimed to be pregnant. But we would have been forced to be face to face and that might have kept him from leaving.
I've learned that it's all about timing. Maybe we were supposed to be together, but the timing was off. Or maybe this is how it was always meant to be. Who knows, but it's what I've been thinking about for weeks.

My Brother

You know those times when you watch someone's life crumble down around them and you can't do anything to help that person?
My brother was supposed to go to the army. He took all the tests and did AMAZING!!! But then they told him that they couldn't accept him because he's technically a felon. Long story short, when he was 16, these guys burned down this old, abandoned house in town, and made an anonymous phone call to the police saying it was my brother and his best friend at the time. The police picked up my brother and held him there without a phone call, food, or a lawyer for almost 24 hours. They told him that they knew it was him, and that if he confessed, he wouldn't get into too much trouble, and they wouldn't go after his best friend. My brother ended up confessing in an attempt to save his best friend. And my brother went to a county jail for 9 months. Since he was a minor, his record was sealed, but the army can look at sealed records. They had told my brother it wouldn't be an issue, but in the end, it's the reason they didn't accept him.
On top of that...a girl I used to be best friends with is pregnant. And it's possibly my brother's...the other possibility is her fiance who was in jail for using heroine, and is not in court ordered rehab. Oh yeah..did I mention she's a recovering heroine addict??! YEAH.

This girl is such an asshole. She would tell my brother to call her when he was free, and then she would tell her mom and her step father that she told him to stop calling and stop coming around, and he just wouldn't listen. God knows what else she has said about him. But apparently now they are telling him that they want her stuff back that's here, and he told them he'll give her stuff back when they give him his stuff back. So they, in turn, broke some of his stuff that was there and dropped it in front of our door. And her step father (who was good friends with my brother, and spent a lot of his time here) is running around town saying that she would never sleep with him, and that he must have drugged her. Umm...really?! Ur really saying 'he must have drugged her' about the girl who used to do coke and heroine?! I find that hilarious! On top of that, her mother is bitching and complaining that my brother owes them money because they paid for his car insurance for one month. Mind you, he drove her ass to and from the clinic every morning for months so she could get her methadone (it's what you take when you're trying to quit using heroine). And she basically lived in our house, and ate her food. AND they owe my brother $120 for whatever reason. So really...in the end, they owe my brother money.
I really just want to go over there and tell her to stop acting like an asshole, and as much as she wants to believe its her fiance's baby, there's a good chance that it's my brother's, and regardless of who the father is, she is going to be a mother and she needs to start acting more mature about things. And her stepfather and mother are just ridiculous. Because really? I thought you were grown adults, clearly you're just toddlers. You should be setting a good example for your children. I've known the girl since I was 4 years old, and me, her, our moms and our brothers were like one big family for YEARS, now I can stand them. Because this girl will throw anyone under the bus to save herself. She's done it to me countless times, and after probably the 100th time, I just cut her off, I stopped caring. Yes, you've had a fucked up life, stop trying to take every one down with you, and start making good choices!!! Obviously, I won't say anything because it's not my place, but it really pisses me off.
So basically, my brother lost his job, his car, got rejected from the Army which he was really excited about, and he's a potential father, and the mother is a psychotic bitch. And now he sleeps all day, is up all night, and rarely leaves the apartment. And on top of that, he's being really mean to me for no reason. I know he's hurting, and it hurts me to see him go through this and not be able to protect him or even help him. I know it's easier said than done, but he needs to get the fuck out of bed, and get a job. Life doesn't stop, you can't cease to exist, you have responsibilities that don't go away because you're hurting.

I wish there was something I could do for him, but I can't. He needs to pull himself up. While I've never been in quite as bad of a place, I've been down and out, and you can't just crawl in a hole and stay there. I'm very familiar with the feeling of having most of your life suck and wanting to destroy what's still good in your life. I've done it. I was in a bad place a few years ago. And I pushed away my best friend in a serious way. I made up all kinds of reasons of why I couldn't see her. I basically pushed her away and made her think I didn't care about her. I filled my time with people who didn't care enough about me to ask what was wrong, or even care enough to notice there was something wrong. At the time, I just felt like it was easier to be all alone and feel terrible then to have to face someone who would make me tell them what was wrong. A few weeks after she stopped trying to push her way in, I felt terrible, but I was too ashamed and scared to talk to her, so months passed by before I got the courage to try and talk to her. And even though we're friends again, it isn't even close to what it used to be.

The point is...when you're in such a bad place, your natural reaction is to destroy everything else, but you really have to grab onto the people and the things in your life that are still good. I'm always going to be there for him, and I'll always love him, but I don't know what I can do for him at this point. But it kills me to watch him waste so much time laying in bed and being depressed.

Sorry this post is so long.

Trapped

You know that feeling when you just have so much energy in you and no where to release it? I have a need to shake things up this summer, to do new and exciting things. And I want to do that with people, but none of my friends from home seem willing to do tht. They're perfectly content doing what we always do during the summer...I want new and exciting things!!! I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and, I hate it. I want to go out and have fun, meet new people, I guess...just discover a new side of myself. But I feel like I'm trapped in a box.

Can you BE friends with an ex?

Lol ok...I know this makes blog # 3 for today...but I just needed to say one more thing, and then I'm done for the night.
Earlier today I told the stupid boy that I think we should be friends right now. Like for real, we talk, maybe hang out, but no mushy feelings and all that. And I told him that we were free to see whoever we wanted. I told him that I probably would hang out with or date other guys over the summer, while he worked his shit out with possibly being a dad. And I said that after he figured everything out, we would see if we could or would want to be in a relationship again.

I honestly think that was the best possible thing I could have done for myself. I'm not depressed because he'll still be in my life, and being friends gives us a chance to work through some stuff, and kind of start over. Because I know if I were to be in a relationship with him right now, I'd hold a lot of anger and resentment for him. I love him, I don't want to end up hating him. And I like having the freedom to hook up or date other people. And there's also the possibility of being with him at a later date. So in theory, it's a great set-up. Lets see if we can actually BE friends...and seeing him...mehhhh! I know I'll want to kiss him and be in his arms. And I feel like the kissing defeats the whole purpose behind being friends...idk.

Appreciation

So there are these 3 girls in my life who I've known for a while, but have become closer to in the past month or so...
One is my best friend at school. She just gets me. We've gotten to the point where we don't even have to talk to have a conversation. I remember one night we were eating dinner and these boys walk in and she just looked at me, and all I said was "no" and she was like "haha ok" and everyone around us was really confused, but we knew exactly what the other was thinking. In a year and half, we've helped each other through a lot, and she told me recently that I helped her more than I knew, that she was seriously depressed, and my persistence to get her out of her room, and just to be around people helped her a lot. She brought me to tears with her heartfelt thanks and appreciation for our friendship. That's all I really want...is to make an impact on someone's life in a good way. And I tend to feel like I put more into a friendship or a relationship than the other person, and I'm just so grateful that I have a friendship where I feel like 1. That our friendship doesn't require work, it just is there and 2. I feel that we both put in the same amount of time and care into it.

Another girl I was close to last year, and then got even closer to this year. We've had some tough fights, but I feel that it has made us closer and stronger than ever. I don't think she has fully come to realize it, but she is intelligent, funny, beautiful and a wonderful person. She has her defenses, but her past has caused her to have her guard up, but its what makes her who she is. When I hang out with her, I just get to be me. I don't worry about looking stupid or weird. We're weird together! lol!!! We have a lot of fun, and we can be serious too. When she gets sad, I want to cry too. Cuz I don't think she knows, but she's got a place in my heart, so when she hurts, I hurt too. I haven't really learned the right thing to do or say when she's upset, but I'm sure I'll get it one day. I love that we have our own lives, but at the end of the day, we chill and talk.

Last, and certainly not least...this girl is gorgeous, smart, funny, kind, compassionate, and very independent. We just started getting close, but I feel like I can tell her pretty much anything. I love the fact that she never judges, she just listens and gives advice and is there to support her friends in anything they want to do. She has a carefree and spontaneous attitude that I admire a lot. She loves to have fun, but if you need her to be serious, she can have some deep conversations. What I think I love the most is that very recently, we just started to realize we had a lot more in common than we thought we did. While not all of the things we have in common are happy, it's good to know that there is someone else who has gone through it and we can talk about it and know where the other person is coming from.

Now that I'm home for the summer...I'm separated from these girls, at least for a little while, and I miss them already! Because whether they know it or not, they have affected me a lot in this past month. It was weird coming home, because no matter where the day took me, I ended my night with these girls. The last night at school, we ended the night with all of us laying around in my room. We weren't even really talking, it was just comfortable silence. All of us thinking, and being in our own world, but feeling the presence of these girls around me was a comfort that I already miss. I love the 3 of them more than they know.

Forever & Always

Music has been a big part of my life for as long as I can remember. When I was 4, my parents thought it was hilarious to dress me up and bring me downstairs to the restaurant/bar we lived over, and have me sing to the people having dinner there. My father worked there, and my parents were friends with a lot of the people who worked and ate there. Apparently it was adorable lol. Living over a bar meant really loud music until 4 in the morning, so I had to learn to sleep with music blasting.
My mother also loves to tell the story of when I was 6, and the song "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston would come on the radio, I would drap a step stool over to the radio and stand there in my pajamas and belt out the song.
Since I was 12, I've been writing song lyrics and poetry. It's a release to me. I pour all of my emotion into it, and sometimes I come out with a great song or poem.
For as long as I can remember, when I'm upset, angry, sad, happy, whatever emotion...I play music to get me through whatever situation I'm in. I search for songs that speak to me. I can't go even one day without listening to music, my world feels off balance.

Today, I just had my itunes on shuffle while I was cleaning, and a few songs came on the I realized, I have a long history with. Some of these songs I can distinctly remember listening to when I was crying, or when I was really pissed off. These songs, and music in general, is almost like a support system for me when I'm going through something. There are probably 100 different ways to interpret 1 song. That's what I love about music: it means something different to each person, or it could even mean different things to the same person depending on their mood, state of mind, and time in their life.

Music is a beautiful thing, it's one of the most beautiful things. The ability to take a problem, and put it into words, and make sense of the world if only for a few minutes. You know that you are truly in love with music when you're going through something, and you put on a song, close your eyes, and just lose yourself in the song. When you can completely block out the world and focus on this song, and when it's over, you feel at least a little bit better.

I am, and will always be, in love with music.

There is no black & white, it's all just shades of gray.

This is what I don't understand...
How can someone get into your life, you heart, and your soul so quickly?
It shouldn't be like this. Someone shouldn't be able to affect your moods so quickly and so completely. They shouldn't be able to flip your world with a few words, or an action, or lack there of. And they shouldn't be able to make you so damn happy with the right words or the right action.
How in the hell can I possibly be contemplating putting myself in his hands again? It's like an invitation to get hurt, my mind knows this. But my heart is telling me to do it. I'm so confused. And it's just really hard. I try to fill up my time with other things, but the thought of him always creeps back into my mind. I've spent a whole lot of time thinking about this, and I don't know how I'd be able to get back into this, I'm not 100% positive its the right thing, I'm not really sure of anything anymore. But I know this...
I hurt when he isn't in my life. A smarter person would have left this situation a long time ago, but I've realized this much about myself...
I can't stand "what if's" in my life. I have a need to follow through on things until there is no longer anything to go back to. I guess this, and the fact that I want to believe there is good in everyone causes me to continue putting myself into the same situation.
It may not be right, but I keep crossing the same bridge until we burn it down and there's no way of crossing it anymore.

Complacency

I woke up, and re-read the message I sent last night, and for some reason, it was almost spelled correctly lol and it was just a good way to put everything I felt. We've been messaging each other back and forth all day. I just don't know. Part of me wants to just mail the damn chain so I don't have to see him, but he wants to come and get it so he can see me. I'm scared of what will happen if we see each other.

Other than that...

I feel the need to shake things up this summer. Hence my want for that piercing and the tattoo. I want to just have fun. I want to work, make my money, and spend my days off doing fun and exciting things. My friends at home have the opposite schedule from me, and when we do hang out, it usually consists of chilling at my friends houses, doing nothing. Because we can never agree on something to do, or someone can't go, or someone doesn't have money. I'm so bored with my life here. It's predictable and boring, and I'm just so over doing the same shit all of the time.

And I want to visit my friends from school, but I usually only get one day off a week...so it's hard to find the time. And they're not so cool with giving me days off when I ask for them...soooo....

I guess I'm gonna focus on me, and trying to find crap to do with my free time. Focus on my writing, my poetry, my music...

drunkk

Ok so I called him (stupid, i KNOW!!) and he didnt pick up. So I wrote him a long message on facebook, but I dont regret it. And I dont think i'll regret it tomorrow either. Yes, there was emotion in the message, but I said things I needed to get off of my chest. I pretend i dont care, and sometimes I dont, but a lot of the time, I'm just really hurting about all of it, and i try to lie to myself and say that I don't. I'm not looking to try again at our relationship, because there's no coming back from all of this, but I felt that there were things I needed to tell him. So I did it. My emotions are all types of messed up these days.

Thinking Way Too Much

Being at school, I have classes, homework, work, extra curricular stuff, and friends to distract me from giving too much thought to the things that are bothering me. I'm constantly on the go, or surrounded by people to take my mind off of things. At home, I spend a lot of time by myself, and I just have way too much time to think about things.

I've been sitting here, thinking about the stupid boy. At school, all my friends tell me not to think about him, or they tell me all the reasons why he doesn't deserve me, or why it's not right to be with him. And all of those reasons make sense, and it reinforces my decision to cut all ties with him. At home, my friends don't care to ask what's going on, or say that I shouldn't talk to him. All they say is "wow..that sucks...I don't know what you should do.."
Ultimately, I know its my decision, and that I have to stay strong in not talking to him. But its just easier when people are supporting you and telling you that you made the right decision. I don't really feel anything for anyone right now. I guess that's why I'm thinking about him...cuz that last time I felt any emotion for anyone was with him. I just feel numb to everything, the only emotion that seeps in is pain and anger. And I don't want to feel like this. I'm not okay, and I don't know how to make everything right again.
I feel like I'm slowly closing myself up. I don't want anyone getting close to me for a while, because taking the risk of letting people in means taking the risk of getting really hurt. And I can't take being hurt anymore. All I want to do is sleep all day, because when you sleep, you can't actively think about things, and I just can't think anymore. It seems like everything is coming down on me all at once...I guess that's what happens when you block things out...

A friend won't talk to me. We've been through so much in the past 2 years, and he won't talk to me. Yes, I didn't have much tact in saying what I said, but what I said is true. Why is it that people get genuinely mad and shut you out when you tell them something about themselves that they don't want to hear?

Awaiting The Day...

Missed a few days...
The past few days have been such an overload of events. But I can honestly say, I've enjoyed almost all of it. These past few days have been spectacular, I finished my last final on Wednesday afternoon, and I got drunk with my friends that night, and then I got lifted with them on Thursday night =] A lot of memories were made in just a few nights.

I just got home...and almost everyone was excited to go home...I really wasn't. There isn't anything for me here. I honestly don't see a reason to be here at all. I mean...school...there isn't a lot for me there either, but it's better than home.
I honestly HATE being home. If I'm not getting into a verbal fight with my mom, it's a physical fight. I'm so tired of having to be the adult. I have to worry about how I'm going to pay for school, I have to be on her ass about doing her taxes just so I can get financial aid, I'm the one worrying about the fact that we're really behind on our rent. I'm 20 years old, and most days, I feel like I'm 50. I'm just so tired of being the adult. It started when I was 8 years old and my dad left. I remember after that happened, I found my mother crying in the bathroom, and I wiped away her tears, and I don't know what I said to her, but it made her stop crying. Since then, I've been reminding her that she needs to pay the bills, or buy food, or do this or do that. Why did I get forced into being the mother?
So yes, I enjoy school a lot more than I do being home. Because at school, I get to be me, I don't have to worry about someone hitting me, or making me feel like total and complete shit, I don't have to worry about having a place to live, I can be me, and I can be 20 years old and be a little reckless.
This is a chapter that I've lived in for the past 12 years, and I just want it to end. The day that I have a job and an apartment will be the happiest, joy filled, stress-relieving day of my life. I can't do this anymore. I can't hold up my mom and myself anymore.

It's almost over!

Not much to say today. It was a hectic day, I had 3 finals. I'm really excited for tomorrow! Cuz I am taking my last final, and then I'm done! FREEDOMMMM!!!!

I found song lyrics that pretty much are my life...

I gotta say what's on my mind
Something about us
Doesn't seem right these days
Life keeps getting in the way
Whenever we try
Somehow the plan
Is always rearranged

It's so hard to say
But I've got to do what's best for me
You'll be okay

I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
We might find a place in this world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own way

Don't wanna leave it all behind
But I get my hopes up
And I watch them fall every time
Another color turns to gray
And it's just too hard
To watch it all
Slowly fade away

The Longest Day

Today was one of the longest days of my life!!!
I had to stay up all night doing a 15 page paper...I don't remember the last time I stayed up all night, led alone to do work! But thankfully, I finished! And I got my other paper done and did my readings. I have to drop off a paper tomorrow morning, and then I have 2 finals, they're just in-class essays, but I'm freakin out a lil bit...

I was kind of glad for being so busy, because I didn't have time to stop and think. If I did, then my mind would inevitably drift toward him. I'm not really sure where I come out in all of this. I'm definitely not crying about it anymore, but I do miss him. Not this version of him, the old version of him. And I obviously know that I'm never gonna get that version of him back exactly. But part of me wishes he could go back to being sweet...although I still couldn't deal with the whole his ex is pregnant with twins thing...
I guess when it comes down to it...my wish would be to find out that his ex is lying, and he finds his way back to his old self. But since I know that it probably won't work out like that, I'll settle for the hope that soon I won't think of him all day, every day. I wonder if he misses me...or cares anymore...
This is something I wrote before I told him how I felt about him, and I guess I just miss when things were so new, so untouched and not fucked up...

Seeing you
Is the best part of my day
And I’ve been trying so hard
To keep my feelings at bay

Because the simple truth is
I can’t have you
I knew it from the start
But there’s something about you
That’s affecting my heart

I'm off to enjoy some much needed sleep!!! Night world.

Turning Point

I didn't realize that I haven't written in a few days. Life has just been really hectic lately.
I'm writing this blog in hopes that I can de-stress for a few minutes. I have a 15 page paper due tomorrow, and of course I procrastinated until the last possible second to do it.

Also, a friend has been going through a rough break-up, and I gave that friend advice. But I realized that that advice was for her, but it was kind of for me too. I told her "You were in love, you got cheated on, but the bitch was obviously stupid because she didn't realize what she had when she had it, and she's dumb as hell cuz she let you go. She's obviously not worth doing some reckless shit and fucking up ur life just because she's a retard."
It may not be the same situation, but it applies for me too. Stupid people are all I get love life wise. And hopefully one day that will change, and I'll meet someone amazing, but for now I gotta roll with the punches. I'm surrounded by incompetent men who obviously don't know how lucky they were when they had me, and are stupid enough to let me go. And obviously that's not ok, but I guess I finally realized that my life can't come to a halt because my love life didn't work out. Yes, I'm in some pain over this stupid boy, but I can't just crawl in bed and cry my eyes out, because I have a life to contend with. I have finals, and friends, and other things. So for now...I am going to use the pain I feel, turn it into anger, and use that anger as motivation. I'll be sad when I have time.
This may be simple and common knowledge to everyone else, but to me, it was a revelation. The fact that I could use that advice, and really do it. Really just put it out of mind, and when I can't force him out of my mind, turn it into anger...it's absolutely beautiful! No, I don't enjoy being angry, but right now, it beats being sad.
I'm almost glad that I'm so busy right now, I don't have time to think about anything other than what I need to get done.
Ok...a little less stressed =] Back to the paper from hell lol

Clarity

Well yesterday wasn't particularly fun, but I am glad to say today was better.

To the world, I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, but to the people closest to me, I pretty much offer up my heart. It's good, because it means I'm not closed off, but it's bad because it's an easy way to get it broken.
I've been realizing that I can't do it anymore. I've gotta close myself off until I can find a better way to be. Because I've been on a non-stop emotional roller coaster for weeks now, and I honestly just don't have the energy to do it anymore.
I watched my good friend hysterically cry over a boy today. And as I tried (unsuccessfully) to make her feel better, I realized that I was like that a few weeks ago. I was the one curled up, balling my eyes out because of a guy. Why do other people have such an intense affect on us?
I'm so confused about what to do with this boy...he bitches and complains about me not calling/texting for a few days, and he says it's shady. He is the last person who should be talking about anything being shady. My friend keeps telling me to just leave him and the whole situation alone. And part of me really wants to. It makes no sense to fight so hard for something that never really got started. But idk...part of me wants to fight for it, cuz it could be really good.
I don't know what people want from me. If I don't call enough, I get bitched at. But with other people, if I hit them up a lot, its weird.
I've come to the conclusion that I may just have to walk away from this situation. It's a vicious cycle that never ends. One person is happy and one isn't. We try to push past our problems, and it isn't working. And he apparently is not capable of having a straightforward conversation about our problems, or how he feels. I like him probably too much for the short amount of time that has passed, but I can't sacrifice my own happiness because maybe this could be something great. I don't know if this is the right thing to do or not, but I guess I'm gonna try.
I'm thinking about just detracting from my social life and working on myself. Cuz although I'm not depressed anymore, I still feel like a mess. I feel like I'm blindly and aimlessly stumbling through every part of my life, and it's been a while since I've felt this off balance.

Battling Demons

Ok...so today apparently I need to write multiple blogs.

Do you ever get into one of those moods where you feel like you're just a mess?

It sucks when you just feel like your whole world is crumbling down around you, and all you can do is watch it happen.

Most times, I can just brush off things that happen, or I'll get mad for a little and then I get over it. But sometimes...it's just hard to shake some feelings. I feel like one big giant mess lately. Some times I just get scared that I'm heading nowhere. I can't take the thought of that. I need to make something of myself...mostly for myself, but also to prove some people wrong.
You know how you have a voice in your head...which for most people is their moral center I guess. You have a voice in the back of your head that says that if you do this, you know it's the wrong thing, or something like that. The voice in the back of my head is my mother's. If I get into a giant fight with a friend, or break-up with a guy, I hear that voice saying "See...I told you. No one wants you in their life. And no one is going to love you" or it's another voice saying "See...you know things are never this easy for you. You know it's never just happily ever after, the end." I know that everyone has their struggles, and no one's life is perfect, but it seems like I have to fight tooth and nail for every little bit of happiness that I get. Idk...maybe I get in my own way of being happy, or maybe my life really sucks that much, but...if it is me, I don't know how to fix that.

As much as I'd like to say the my whole drama with my mom no longer affects me, it does. I guess I don't really realize how much it affects me until I start to write about it. For some reason, verbally telling people about it doesn't bother me. I can go through all the shit that's happened like I was telling them about the weather. But when I write it....it just brings up a lot of emotions that I can't actually deal with.

I just don't know anymore. =/

Dark & Gloomy

I think my biggest fear is having the people I love truly hurt me. It's why I don't trust a lot of people. It seems to be a common theme to have a dysfunctional relationship with your mom, but even knowing that others have issues with their mothers as well doesn't stop me from feeling angry, sad, and profoundly hurt by it. Your mom is supposed to listen to your problems, soothe your fears, and encourage you. The only thing my mother has done is listen to my problems, use my problems as well as my fears against me, and beat me down mentally, emotionally, and physically. When the person that gave you life tells you that you are nothing, that no one will ever love you because you aren't worthy of it, that you're stupid and ugly, and that you were a mistake and she never should have had you, and she wishes you would die...it kind of deters you from wanting to let people in.
I've had good friends betray me, and really hurt me. I've perfected the art of keeping people at arms length. I care about these people, and they make me happy, but I make it a point to not get very attached to them. My good friends are another story...I guess I put my trust in them...which, in another blog, I mentioned my friend saying that that's a bad idea to do. I've made my friends my family, because...for obvious reasons...I'm not too crazy about my family.

Guys are another story...most a creepers, or you can tell from the start that they suck. But some of them get in past the walls you've built, and some of them seem so sincere. The stupid boy was perfect to me. I was falling in love with him. Which totally freaked me out because it was way too soon, or at least I felt like it was. And this stupid boy didn't do anything to intentionally hurt me...but all the drama that's come in between us, and me spilling all of my feelings, and only getting a one word response. Why didn't he get that that would bother me? I wanted him to tell me how he felt, or at least tell me that he still wanted to be with me or just...SOMETHING! I don't know what to do...I know I should just probably walk away from the whole situation, but I really don't want to. It just seems like things are good for a few days, and some new bull shit pops up. I really just want to see him so I can figure out if this is worth fighting for or not. I wish someone had answers for me. It would make life a whole lot easier.

REALLY!? What are you good for?!

The following conversation is just ridiculous....I can't stand men! WTF?! REALYYY!?!?!
Mind you...this is via text message

Me: I wanted to have this conversation on the phone but to be very honest...I hate the way thing are between us right now. We're on the phone, and we talk, but we're not actually saying anything. I can't stand that we haven't seen each other in so long and I feel like the distance is making everything 10x harder. I'm confused about where we stand. I don't like that the other day you were just like dueces. And I feel like you don't really wanna talk.

Stupid Boy: Wow!

Me: That's all you have to say?

Stupid Boy: What else do you want me to say?

Me: I just told you everything I'm feeling and all you have to say is wow? Thank you for nothing stupid boy.

Stupid Boy: What's that supposed to mean?

Me: Exactly what it says. I just spilled my guts, and you give me yet again another one word response! Why am I supposed to tell you how I feel if all I get is a wow?!

DOUCHE BAG!!!

Really...honestly....please someone tell me how the fuck that made any kind of sense?!?!?! Why are men so useless!?!?!!?!??!? I make it soooo fucking easy for him, I tell him everything that I'm feeling so he doesn't have to try to guess what I'm thinking after days and days of silence and awkwardness, and I get a fucking wow!? Get the fuck out of here!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrrr.

So there's this boy...

There's this boy...it's a long story, but basically...I met him at work, found out he was married, became friends with him, really tried to not catch feelings...but *sigh*..you don't get a choice in who you like. After about 4 months, I spilled my feelings in hopes that getting it off my chest would help me move on. Here's the twist...he likes me too, and it turns out he's not actually married. We talk through everything, and he ends up leaving his girlfriend of 3 years, and moved out of the apartment. Since then, there has been a lot of drama with his ex, including her harassing me over the phone, and her claiming to be pregnant.
OH! And when I wasn't talking to him, he decided to quit his job and move to NJ, to his brother's house.
Me and this boy aren't together right now (location wise and relationship wise). And I really want to see him, I feel like it would clear the air between us. I do miss him a lot. But lately I've been questioning whether I want to be with him. He really needs to get his life together, and I'm annoyed that he isn't working right now, and that he is kinda far away. I am really not interested in doing a long distance relationship, and I'm just annoyed with everything he says and does right now.
we haven't talked since Saturday during the day...he didn't call/text that night, or all of sunday...and neither did I. It's weird for us to go that long with out talking....he called yesterday, but I didn't pick up. I didn't know what to say...I still don't...
I don't know...I really want to figure things out...And I wish that things could go back to the way they used to be...that first week, it was perfect! I haven't been that happy in a while.
Mind you- all of this drama - from me telling him through everything else - happened in the past 3 1/2 weeks. This is just ridiculous.

Life

I have come to realize that life isn't always easy, in fact, it tends to be an uphill battle.

Lately, I've been questioning what is right, and what is wrong. Is it black and white, or just shades of gray? When you're put in the middle of a sticky situation, are you supposed to do what's right, or keep your mouth shut for self preservation purposes?
Today, a friend said something to me that I never thought of before, but it makes all the sense in the world... "you can trust people, but you never put your trust IN people." It takes me a while to trust people regardless if it's trusting them, or putting my trust in them. Life has been a bumpy and tumultuous road for the 20 years that I have been alive, it has taught me a lot, but has also left its scars...which I guess is the case for everyone. I'd love to have the mentality that the world is good, that people are good, and that you will never be scarred, but life has taught me otherwise. It is my #1 wish to be able to believe in people and the beauty in the world again.
Posting a daily (or weekly) blog is something I've wanted to do for a long time. I am a writer at heart, so it's a need more than a want to write. It's a release from the pain and the weight that life bestows upon us. Mostly, for me, it's a way to work through my feelings in a rational way I guess. I don't have trust in people for the most part, but I guess I'm willing to spill it in a blog somewhere in the world wide web. =] Interesting...