I'm sooooo freakin excited for my next tattoo!!! It's definitely going to be painful, but if it comes out the way I want it to, it's going to be sick! AHHH!!! I'm just nervous that they'll fuck it up, or that it won't look good. Meh.
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.deviantart.com/download/74658151/Phoenix_Reborn_by_Iron_Phoenix.jpg&imgrefurl=http://iron-phoenix.deviantart.com/art/Phoenix-Reborn-74658151&h=1223&w=1000&sz=533&tbnid=h6SkYyelBbwA3M:&tbnh=248&tbnw=203&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dphoenix%2Breborn&usg=__irHoNN1sXYPeX0_1TElKq53QDm8=&sa=X&ei=t75iTK2fFsOclgfpmvirCg&ved=0CBYQ9QEwAA
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Clarity
I'm too impulsive. I act without thinking and go purely on feeling. This is a great and a horrible thing. This is how I get myself into situations where I am speeding toward disaster. It's like I see the train wreck up ahead, I know that I can't change anything that's happened, but I continue to drive full speed at it. What is wrong with me that I can't just leave a situation alone? My emotions would be far more balanced if I could just do that. But no, I have to be the asshole that becomes interested in someone when they're all wrapped up in someone else. And really...does anyone grasp the concept that they shouldn't gas me up when I'm feelin them? Mehhh. The thing that kills me is that I can't fully remember our conversations, and I can't fully remember what the person said. Do you like me or are you just attracted to me? Why did I even start that conversation? Why did I need to know? I'm thinking I'd like to be blissfully ignorant. Smh...I'm so confused. I just want a definite answer. Some clarity. I just wanted you to tell me if I should give up now or if there's hope for me.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Hmm
I recently encountered a situation where one person was in love with someone, while that person was still hung up on someone else. It made me realize we all weave tangled webs. I've been in that situation. I've been the person in love, and I've been the person who was caught between 2 people. And I've been in a situation where I like someone who likes me but is in love with someone else and the person they're in love with is in love with them but is also in love with someone else. It always makes me think how people get to that point where they're basically in a love...square?
Feelings are just uncontrollable, intense little bastards. You don't see them coming, you have little to no control over them, you're kind of stuck on a roller coaster ride.
I wish there was a legitimate field that required you to study emotions and feelings. I would have that as my job for the rest of my life. Scientists can explain it in scientific terms, and to them, that's what it means. In my opinion, when you have to explain feelings and emotions in that manner, it's because you're utterly confused by them and want to make some kind of sense out of them. Anything in this world that scares us, we explain away until it's a little less scary.
Feelings are just uncontrollable, intense little bastards. You don't see them coming, you have little to no control over them, you're kind of stuck on a roller coaster ride.
I wish there was a legitimate field that required you to study emotions and feelings. I would have that as my job for the rest of my life. Scientists can explain it in scientific terms, and to them, that's what it means. In my opinion, when you have to explain feelings and emotions in that manner, it's because you're utterly confused by them and want to make some kind of sense out of them. Anything in this world that scares us, we explain away until it's a little less scary.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Don't be afraid
The last line of my horoscope today was "don't be afraid of wanting more." The entire horoscope was geared toward financial security, which, if you know me at all, you know is one of my biggest concerns in life. I've spent my entire life barely scraping by, or unable to get by. And my primary goal for my future is to be well enough off that I don't have to wonder how I'll pay the rent or how I'll buy groceries. My ideal life would include owning my own home, a car, and having enough money to travel when I want to. So basically what you would call the American Dream.
I, by no means, want to be rich. I find it pointless. You buy crap you don't need or want, you squander money, you have to wonder who is in your life because they love you and who is there to get a hand out. I think that people should only be wealthy if they have truly earned it. So when/if I have kids, there will be no handing them whatever they want. They will earn everything they get. In my ideal world...I will have become successful and well-off, and essentially "pulled myself up by my boot straps" and I want my children to know the value of money and of hard work.
Also...I feel that the last line in my horoscope applies to more than financial issues. The horoscopes I get every day touch me in some way because they touch upon some aspect of my life that is relevant at that time. I am always scared to want more. I'm always scared that I'll want something, commit to trying to get it, and fail. I'm scared that someone will tell me I don't deserve more. But, like I said earlier, this summer has shown me that I deserve whatever the hell it is I want in life. I deserve whatever I want. Well maybe deserve isn't the right word, deserve implies you've earned it. And while I do think that the things I have suffered through thus far in my life entitles me to some things, I know I still have to work for what I want.
-I want to graduate on time with a good gpa
-I want to get into a good grad school
-I want a good job
-I want a peaceful and successful Senior year
-I want to love and be loved by someone
-I want to leave the past in the past and stop looking back
-I want an apartment when I graduate.
-I want confidence in spades
-I want to find my worth in myself and not in others
-I want to not get caught up in other people's drama/problems/bullshit
-I WANT HAPPINESS!!!
I, by no means, want to be rich. I find it pointless. You buy crap you don't need or want, you squander money, you have to wonder who is in your life because they love you and who is there to get a hand out. I think that people should only be wealthy if they have truly earned it. So when/if I have kids, there will be no handing them whatever they want. They will earn everything they get. In my ideal world...I will have become successful and well-off, and essentially "pulled myself up by my boot straps" and I want my children to know the value of money and of hard work.
Also...I feel that the last line in my horoscope applies to more than financial issues. The horoscopes I get every day touch me in some way because they touch upon some aspect of my life that is relevant at that time. I am always scared to want more. I'm always scared that I'll want something, commit to trying to get it, and fail. I'm scared that someone will tell me I don't deserve more. But, like I said earlier, this summer has shown me that I deserve whatever the hell it is I want in life. I deserve whatever I want. Well maybe deserve isn't the right word, deserve implies you've earned it. And while I do think that the things I have suffered through thus far in my life entitles me to some things, I know I still have to work for what I want.
-I want to graduate on time with a good gpa
-I want to get into a good grad school
-I want a good job
-I want a peaceful and successful Senior year
-I want to love and be loved by someone
-I want to leave the past in the past and stop looking back
-I want an apartment when I graduate.
-I want confidence in spades
-I want to find my worth in myself and not in others
-I want to not get caught up in other people's drama/problems/bullshit
-I WANT HAPPINESS!!!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Summerrr
The summer has flown by. It seemed as though I blinked and then it was over. This summer has been one of the most demanding, most rewarding, most peaceful summers of my life. It was actually every thing I hoped it would be, and it even exceeded my expectations.
It was so peaceful here on campus over the summer. At first, the silence freaked me out, but now I love it. At no other time could it be so quiet. I've paced the wall in front of lenape, listening to my ipod and dancing and singing down the wall, ive danced in the rain and sang along to the songs on my ipod on the top of my lungs, i've become more active in my daily life, I committed myself to my job and my classes and did better than I ever thought I could at both.
Of course I've had some bumps in the road including a pregnancy scare, my never ending issues with jonathan, and getting temporarily involved with a douche bag named Gary. But the thing that I've learned is that I can handle all of these things. I feel the key to me doing so well is having my own space. When I needed to do homework or a paper, I was able to turn down offers to hang out and go back to my room and do what I needed to do. Or if I was having an off day or just wanted to be alone, I could. I didn't have a roommate or people constantly in my room. I love my roomie and my friends, but I'm in serious need of my own space. It's how I balance out my emotions, my moods, just everything.
I need to do as well as I did this summer in my classes in the Fall and Spring. And I don't know how I'm going to do that with everything going on. There's always people and music and chaos, and I just can't live that life anymore. I can't smoke everyday, I can't hang out all the time, I can't stay up until all hours of the night. I just CANT. I wonder how my new way of doing things is going to clash with my old lifestyle. This should be interesting...
I'm nervous I bit off more than I can chew with my set up for the Fall. 2 jobs, 6 classes, Senior Celebration Committee, and SA Programming board...meh...it's gonna be death.
It was so peaceful here on campus over the summer. At first, the silence freaked me out, but now I love it. At no other time could it be so quiet. I've paced the wall in front of lenape, listening to my ipod and dancing and singing down the wall, ive danced in the rain and sang along to the songs on my ipod on the top of my lungs, i've become more active in my daily life, I committed myself to my job and my classes and did better than I ever thought I could at both.
Of course I've had some bumps in the road including a pregnancy scare, my never ending issues with jonathan, and getting temporarily involved with a douche bag named Gary. But the thing that I've learned is that I can handle all of these things. I feel the key to me doing so well is having my own space. When I needed to do homework or a paper, I was able to turn down offers to hang out and go back to my room and do what I needed to do. Or if I was having an off day or just wanted to be alone, I could. I didn't have a roommate or people constantly in my room. I love my roomie and my friends, but I'm in serious need of my own space. It's how I balance out my emotions, my moods, just everything.
I need to do as well as I did this summer in my classes in the Fall and Spring. And I don't know how I'm going to do that with everything going on. There's always people and music and chaos, and I just can't live that life anymore. I can't smoke everyday, I can't hang out all the time, I can't stay up until all hours of the night. I just CANT. I wonder how my new way of doing things is going to clash with my old lifestyle. This should be interesting...
I'm nervous I bit off more than I can chew with my set up for the Fall. 2 jobs, 6 classes, Senior Celebration Committee, and SA Programming board...meh...it's gonna be death.
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