I graduated in May, and came back down state to live with my brother. Last month, I got a job. And this all sounds great, but lately, I've been finding that each day, I get a little more sad. I guess when I was hurtling toward graduation, and starting my life, I never really realized what I was going to be leaving behind. Where I went to college was home to me; it was the most stable place I've been probably since I was 10. And a lot of my friends are still up there. I didn't really stay in touch with anyone from high school, and the friends that graduated with me are scattered throughout the state. I just feel so sad. My friends are my family and they're not around, and coming home feels more like moving away from home.

I find myself emotional and depressed, and I keep trying to think of a way to fix this, and I really just don't know. If I moved back upstate, it wouldn't be the same, and my friends there will be graduating soon enough. I made a friend here, and she's nice, but she doesn't fill the void I feel. I wish I knew what to do.

The Differences

In every aspect of our lives, we are taught that everyone is different. We learn about it in school, hear it from our parents and relatives, and see it for ourselves in every day life. Everyone makes different choices, wears different clothes, listens to different music, has different opinions, sees the world differently, etc. A person's views, personality, and looks set them apart from others. But something that I have come to realize quite recently is that our fears also set us apart from others.

Fear is one of the biggest motivations for anyone. Whether it is steering you away or to something, it is steering you nonetheless. And the really unique thing about fear is that sometimes you can't quite pin point what you're afraid of; sometimes it's just a feeling you get.

I'll tell you all a story if you have the patience to sit and read what I know will turn out to be an excessively long blog, although, I doubt anyone will be reading this but me since I've noticed that my longer blogs get no attention from my followers.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who was truly fearless; she would explore by herself or with her peers, she would climb trees and hills and to the tops of roofs by the time she was 7. She wore whatever she wanted, sang on the top of her lungs, danced whenever and where ever she wanted, and didn't regard the opinions of others when she chose to do something. She was also fearless in love; if she had a crush on a boy, she made it known.
15 years later: that fearless child grew into a fearful adult. She was sassy and sarcastic, as well as open. She was kind, never without a smile, and always willing to help others. Some called her fearless in her attempts at love. She still wore what she wanted, and explored, but she wasn't fearless anymore. Those 15 years, and the events that occurred within them, changed her. People gravitated toward her; she held a presence that couldn't readily be explained. She had a good life despite all of the horrid events she was forced to endure, and people admired her more for it. One day, she found herself lost in her own life. She understood the order of things, and what was expected of her, and where her life was supposed to lead, but she felt uneasy. There was something unsettling about her life that she could never put her finger on. She realized that everything in her life, everyone in her life, had changed her. Some for the good, but mostly for the bad. She was the same kind-hearted person she always was and would continue to be, but she was nowhere near the fearless girl she had once been. She felt as if there was something missing or something wrong, and this had been in the back of her mind for years, and then she realized, what was missing was the girl she used to be; the one without so many fears. The ironic part about it was that the people in her life saw her as fearless and confident, while she saw herself as a fearful woman with no confidence to speak of. She thought to herself how cliche it seemed that she felt so alone and so wrong, so out of place when she was with people who thought she fit perfectly.

We all have our fears, and to an extent, they define us. I have gone out of my way to face my "trivial" fears like heights and roller coasters. The fears I have yet to face are the hard ones. A fear of being left behind like a discarded toy a child is done playing with and has no use for. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. These are the things I don't even know how to begin to face.

The funniest part about my fears is that they're not anything I haven't faced before, but knowing the pain that is involved, and the heart break, that's what I am truly terrified of.

thoughts of the day...

Every second, there's a new weight on my chest
A mind full of doubt, a heart full of scars.
Watching you so intently
Waiting for you to screw up
Do you feel the intensity of my gaze?
Does your skin start to burn under this microscope?
A weight when you do good
A weight when you do bad
Always something weighing on this mind.

What to do with a heart that refuses
To love or be loved,
And a soul that wants
To love and be loved.

Even still...

In a world full of possibility, I see you.
In the face of the impossible, I see you.
you, you, you, always you.
Do we love each other?
Or are we addicted to the chaos?
The heart that loved you so intently,
beats indifferently when you're near.
Even after all of this time, I see you.
Even after all of this time, you see me.
What does this mean?
Are we meant to be?
Is that what I want?
You are not my dream, or my wish,
yet I can't tear myself away from you...
After all of this time...

I want to write, but am blocked as far as what to write about...suggestions?

The things that hurt the most...

The thing that I have come to realize is that it is easier to be angry than it is to feel hurt. I keep the rage going because I know as I soon as I let go of this fiery anger, I'll be stuck with an unbearable amount of sadness and hurt.

Why is it that friends let you down and hurt you the most?

I have come to the conclusion that friendships are all well and good when you're getting to know someone and doing the fun stuff, but what really matters is being there when things are ugly or unpleasant that really matters. If you don't show up for the important stuff, then what's the point of the friendship?

I am angry and sad, but I can't rationalize my increasing feeling of betrayal...

a letter to myself

Dear Sam,
Lately you've been kind of a mess. I'm still confused as to why. Slowly, we come to conclusions or we encounter situations that provide some clarity to our life. You are convinced that the answer to most or all questions someone has about themselves is within that person, and you may be right. The problem is, you don't trust yourself enough yet to be able to find those answers. It is only through painful experiences & later conversations that you get the answer you're looking for. Stop looking at other people for the right answer! You have the wonderful gift of intuition that you need to have more faith and confidence in.
Your biggest problem is your self confidence. You have grown so much in these past 4 years, and to look back at it now, through these eyes, makes me want to cry. I am so proud of myself, but why is that so hard to admit? You have gone through A LOT in your life thus far, and most of that you have internalized. If there was ever one wish I could have for myself, it would be for the negative voices to stop dancing around in my head. While you haven't let those go yet, I can say that I am beyond proud that you have let the positive voices dance with the negative (and even overpower them) sometimes.
"you need to stop walking around here like you're not the shit. Look at you, you're maaad cute. So you better start walking around here like you're the shit. Like hey, look at me, I'm Sam and I'm the shit."
"you know who you are, you know what you want, so that puts you into control."
"you're starting to piss me off. you walk around acting like you're weak, and you're not. You've been through a lot of shit, but that makes you stronger, so start acting like it."
"the people that are truly your friends love you and appreciate your existence in their lives"
"you're a beautiful person sam, right down to your core."
"me: why are you staring at me?
him: it's like a beautiful painting that needs to be admired and appreciated."

all of these things...all of these people...have contributed to my awakening. I owe them a lot for that.

Fairytale or nightmare?

Lately I've been giving a great deal of thought to those that are emotionless, or those that are limited in their emotional capabilities. Many people say they're emotionless, but they are only wishing that was the truth. The truth is, most of us pretend nothing can hurt us, when in reality, we feel everything.Being a very emotional person, it's hard to imagine those who truly are emotionless.
My best friend is emotionally limited. It takes a long time and a lot of effort on the other person's part to get her to open up to someone when it comes to romantic relationships. However, she will acknowledge the other person's efforts.
Recently, I met someone I am very interested in. He is everything I could hope to find in a man. But with every perfect situation, there comes a flaw. His is that he is emotionally retarded. He told me he was the first to admit he was hard to be in a relationship with, and he told me on our date that if I didn't hit him up for a week, he wouldn't be the type to blow up my phone, asking why I wasn't talking to him. And we even joked about him being emotionally retarded. All of this, and I somehow managed to ignore it. I thought it was all talk, because he swept me off my feet on our date, and we talked every day, all day for 2 weeks or so. He was able to open up, so I thought he was like most people who couldn't admit that they are emotional.
But slowly, he stopped hitting me up as much, and I started to feel like I was bothering him because he seemed so uninterested in talking to me or hearing what i had to say. So on Tuesday, after another text went unanswered and unacknowledged, I decided to stop hitting him up. I haven't hit him up since and he hasn't tried to contact me by any means. The more time that passes, the less interested I become. Now, if you know me, you know that this is a huge deal. I have always been the girl that couldn't let go, no matter how messed up the situation, and no matter how much wrong had been done to me by the person. I could never give up on a person or a situation. I'm still trying to understand why that is, but to know that I have the capability of walking away from a situation with my confidence and my dignity in tact is a wonderful thing.
A friend keeps telling me that she doesn't want me to walk away from the situation yet, because she knows he's what I've been looking for, but communication is a huge thing to me, and it's not something I'm willing to compromise on. We're still in the courting stage and we haven't talked for almost 6 days, that's a problem. At the latest, he should have contacted me on day 3. It's sad to see that there is someone in the world that, so far, is perfect for me, but he is missing one huge quality.
I could never ask someone to change for me, and I would never expect that someone would do it for me. So I try not to let that thought enter my mind. I heard a line in a movie once..."all women want to be the exception when they're really the rule" or something along those lines. It's a cute fantasy to think that someone will change to be with you; that you'd somehow inspire them to be better so they could be worthy of you. Very rarely does that happen. In my mind, those are they fairy tales; a story that is unattainable but beautiful to dream about.

Leap of faith: fairytale or nightmare?

For the child...

For every child who cries at night
Alone with shame and pain and fright

For every child who wants so much
To only feel a gentle touch

For the beaten child, who cries in pain
Whose tears run silent, like the rain

For the child used to satisfy lust
Who never learns to love or trust

For the child taken from her home
And made to feel so all alone

For the child whose home is just a shell
Where life becomes a living hell

For the child who smiles but cannot feel
Because of scars too deep to heal

For every child who yearns for love
I hope and pray to God above
To hear your cries and heal your pain
And give you back your life again

I found this online last night and teared up when I read it. I am someone who was physically and mentally abused from as long as I can remember until the age of 19 by my mother. I can't say I've ever researched child abuse or have come into contact with anyone who went through a similar situation. While it doesn't rule my life, I can't say that it hasn't affected me. But it doesn't consume me. Finding this poem was like validating everything I have gone through and my feelings, which is something I didn't know I needed, but definitely did. It's as if the poet was telling me "you aren't alone, and your feelings were/are valid." I value this poem more than I can say...it has truly touched my soul.

post-it notes and such...

I took this pic today and thought it was hilarious. It's interesting that people never stop to wonder who can hear what they are saying as they talk to a friend outside, or talk to someone on the phone. I like to observe people, and I've found over the years that if you just sit in one place for a while, people genuinely do not care if you're there and hear their whole conversation. I do it myself, especially if I'm upset. It's interesting though...you go to great lengths to keep certain information away from certain people, yet you don't care if a perfect stranger hears it. The ironies in life.

Updates

Hello all,
it's been a very taxing couple of weeks. For the most part, I try to keep my blog on a level in which everyone can relate to, but...as in most parts of my life, I do too much for others when I should be doing things for myself. So on that note, let's get a little more personal.
Two things I can swear are attracted to me: adulterous men and suicidal friends.
Today, and for the past week, the ladder is what has been bothering me the most.

In high school, I had a lot of friends with eating disorders, drug problems, depression, and friends who liked to cut. My freshmen year in college, I had a best friend who was suicidal. I spent most of my first year trying to convince him that he didn't want to die, and after that, I would get angry with him, telling him that killing yourself is the most selfish thing you could do, and I stand by that opinion. I spent my nights crying with him or to him, he would give me the pills he was planning to take and the cycle continued. After an overdose, he finally got the help he needed and he has been ok since then.
Now, 3 years later, I'm faced with a similar situation. A friend attempted to kill herself in my room when I went to get dinner. When I came back, there were University Police officers in my room. She was taken to the psychiatric ward of a hospital...or as I like to refer to it, the crazy house lol. It's upsetting to known that someone wants to kill themselves, especially when its someone you love, but I'm so angry with her. The only thing I can think is.. how dare you. How dare you try to kill yourself, how dare you do that in my room, and HOW DARE YOU give up. No one said life was going to be easy, its actually unbearable sometimes, but that doesn't mean you get to cop out. She's fine now, but I still hold so much emotion surrounding this situation. I suppose this was my swift kick in the ass to find a therapist...I've been meaning to, but haven't.
Then, because of that, my friend's ex stirred up some trouble for all of us and I spent a majority of the week daydreaming about beating the living hell out of her. But I'd like to graduate so on that note, I have and will continue to try to refrain.
I guess because of all of this as well as some other bullshit, I've been finding myself depressed lately. This is not a new feeling, I know it well in fact. But its been a while since I felt like this. It's been almost a year actually. I'm on a mission to figure out why, because this needs to get resolved ASAP.

For a very very long time, I figured that being depressed was how I'd always be. Growing up, 95% of the time I was depressed, that was the only long lasting emotion, happiness was there, but it was fleeting. I always found happiness in being with someone, but clearly that wasn't the right type of happiness. Then, one day something magical(or at least to me) happened, I was happy. And it came only from me, not from anyone else. Self-generated happiness. I was able to just enjoy life and things didnt seem as difficult. Now, I find myself slipping back into old ways of thinking and I can't seem to figure out why. All I know is that I've felt depression, and I've felt happiness, and I want to be happy.

Yeah...that was long.

A note for those who read my blog: I clearly write about whatever I want, but if you'd like to ask me a question or for advice or you want to hear my opinion on something, just comment on this entry & let me know.

I don't really know why, maybe

Thoughts, Questions & Randomness

We constantly talk about changing ourselves, tweaking ourselves, or "fixing" things about us. But it seems that we never stop to think that maybe these flaws are simply in our nature; maybe it's who we are. I've been struggling with finding the line of making healthy changes without changing who I am. I'm an emotional, passionate, driven, stubborn, somewhat insecure person. I have things I'd like to change, but who's to say that's not who and how I'm supposed to be. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't want to tweak and change things to subconsciously fit into the mold of how people are supposed to act.


On a random note...
I'm absolutely obsessed with "Patience" by Nas & Damian Marley
Especially...

Huh, we born not knowing, are we born knowing all?
We growing wiser, are we just growing tall?
Can you read thoughts? can you read palms?
Huh, can you predict the future? can you see storms, coming?

Can you read signs? can you read stars?
Can you make peace? can you fight war?
Can you milk cows, even though you drive cars? huh
Can you survive, Against All Odds, Now?

In a world full of 52 fakers

*The entire song is awesome, but these are the lyrics that really stick with me*

2 faces

I understand that many relationships start through friendship. But my question is...why is it that some people make a relationship out of a friendship and others get stuck in a friend zone where they cannot see the other person as anything more than a friend? Why does this happen? How can it be avoided?
I like someone a lot...and there has been a lot of drama surrounding this person. We had shown interest in each other for like half a second and it got buried underneath all the bullshit. Now, things have calmed down and we're friends. However, I have stronger feelings than just friendship, but I don't want to rush it. I want to give the person their time to be settled, I want to have the patience to wait for the right time, but then I'm also afraid of getting stuck in that friend zone, if I'm not already there. Now, most people would say to just admit my feelings and see where things are, but I am crazy afraid of being vulnerable and rejected, and also I'm afraid of rushing it, especially when we agreed months ago to just see where it goes, or if anything happens. But this was before a lot of drama, so who knows if this person still is interested in me.
This sucks up a whole hell of a lot of time, more than I care to admit. This person is special to me, and most definitely one of a kind. However, I mask all of this and pretend that this person is only a friend. Clearly I'm all mixed up with this one. I'm clear-headed and driven when it comes to other aspects of my life, but my love life is one big confusing mess to me.

To be continued I suppose...

The tide is turning

I've found myself wondering for a few days now...how much of yourself do you give to other people? What's too much? What's not enough? I've always been a woman of extremes. So I could go from loving someone to finding them to be repellent if I feel that I have put too much of myself in another with no validation. I am also a woman who needs verbal validation from friends and lovers alike. I sometimes wonder how much time I've fretted over things I did not want to happen but inevitably would, and over analyzed minute details of events. I get caught up on things that don't matter even when I am aware that in the grand scheme of the world, or even just my life, these things are irrelevant. Slowly, I am realizing that wasting time on these things is not ok. I don't want to wake up somewhere down the line realizing I spent so much time and energy on nothing.
I vow to stop letting my life revolve around others, and to start taking better care of myself in all aspects. I feel as if I've had a revelation that cannot be put into words.

The next goal

Like I said before, I'm used to putting out fires. Last semester, I was on academic probation and I told myself that I would get serious and get good grades. I ended up with a 3.2 gpa for the semester, taking me off of probation. This semester, it being my final semester before I graduate, my next goal is a personal one. As I said before, I've been missing the girl I used to be for a while now. I want to figure out what happened to her, and what caused this change. The biggest difference between the girl I used to be and the girl I am now is that the old girl loved everything about herself. She was fearless. While I love my personality and the person I am, I've been feeling unhappy and ashamed of my body. It makes me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Having a discussion about this with a friend, I realized that it affects every part of my life. So my mission now is to love my body. After I can start to appreciate it, I can move forward in a positive manner. For the next four months, I dedicate myself to working on myself and just having fun. Because of my unhappiness, I've been searching for validation in other people, and subsequently chasing them. When I should be the one being chased. I'm keepin everything fun, fresh, and funky. I will spend this time having fun, and continuing my collection of priceless college memories.

In sickness & in health or until the going gets rough?

Lately I've been seeing stories about couples who have been together for decades. It makes me wonder if it's possible for people in our day and age to have that. This generation is obsessed with having things when they want it; courting has been reduced to meeting someone, texting/calling (aka "talking") and then it seems that things deteriorate into just sex. While sex is a great thing, why is it that things need to move in that direction so quickly? People don't spend enough time getting to know each other before hey jump into bed. And then the person who inevitably gets hurt wonders what went wrong...maybe if you keep it in your pants a while longer, things might turn out differently. You may find that they aren't right for you before you sleep with them, or maybe it'll be more meaningful if you wait.
My point is...how do people get to celebrating their 20 or 30+ year anniversary? How do they stay together through everything that life may try to throw at them? What is it about previous generations that makes it possible while it is highly unlikely and rarely heard of for our generation? I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I don't want to be one of those people who have been through multiple divorces. I want the person I choose to spend my life with to be the one and only for me.

Wanted: Sparkly, fantastic happiness

Hello all,
It's been far too long since I've written. Things have been so hectic for me! But anyway...

I started this blog over a year ago as a mark for my journey to find clarity and serenity, and to harness my creativity and passion. While I do wish I was a bit more consistent in writing on here, I also have taken it for what it is. My one wish is that I wish I could be a bit more open on this thing. It's not that random people find it, it's that people that I know found this blog as well. And while this isn't a bad thing, it makes it a bit more difficult to be honest when you need to make sense of things and of how you feel when there are eyes and ears everywhere.

Complacency has never been a friend of mine. Because my life has always, and continues to be so hectic, I'm used to chaos and constant change. It's ironic, because my life's dream has been to settle down in one place, grow roots, and lead a normal life. This is still something that I want, but as I climb closer to that dream, I realize that it's not what I need. Complacency is almost like dying for me; in that I just stop feeling passionate, and alive. I guess I'm so used to fighting to keep afloat, or running around putting out fires that I can no longer appreciate a quiet, normal life. This kind of disturbs me.

Over the past year or so, I can say that I've changed a lot. There are a bunch of things, but the most important thing is the fact that I make myself happy, which, if you know me, you know is something HUGE. With making myself happy, I've become stronger, more confident, ready to shine. And here's the thing...I've spent so long in the shadows, and on the side lines that it feels awkward and almost wrong to step into that role. I realized the other day that I've been making myself less sparkly in order to let others shine. I didn't give a fuck when I was younger, and I was the center of attention because of it. I very much need to get back to that girl, its something that's been missing for a while, and I feel that void.

I think this sums it up nicely...
http://1x.com/photos/latest-additions/35333/