Hi World...I'm sober

I find the fact that I don't remember the last weekend I had that was substance free to be really pathetically sad. When your life starts to revolve around drugs/alcohol, when you're bored and getting high is the 1st thing you think to do, when getting high/drunk becomes routine, you know its time to hit the breaks.
What kind of life is that?! It makes no fucking sense. Like its just really pathetic. That's when you know it's time to reevaluate your life. And I guess some people just never see beyond the drugs or the alcohol. It consumes their life. If their content with their lives being about that, then ok, I mean I guess. But that's not me, it never will be.
Now here's the problem...while I have recently crossed over to the 24/7 sober camp, a bunch of my friends are still in the let's get fucked up at every available time camp. I can't judge, because I've been there. But a friend stopped doing the shit that we do a few months ago, and she felt as if there was no room for her in our lives. I didn't understand that because I love her and whatever her decision, I still wanted her to be part of my life. But I understand how she felt. I don't question that my friends love me and don't want to lose me, but it's like...if you're always getting fucked up, and that's no longer what I'm doing...when is it that we're going to hang out? And if most of your time is spent like that...then that means the time I spend with you is going to be cut way back.
I don't know...I guess we'll see how it goes.

Yeah, I don't know...

The two things that never fail me is music and writing. Lately, I've just been stuck. I can't write, and when I do, I'm not satisfied with it. I have so much in me that I want to say. I want to be able to express every single emotion I feel in a way that will impact someone's life, make them see the world through my eyes, or even bring them to tears because they realize things they never have before. I want so badly to write it all down, I feel like it would relieve some of the weight on my chest.

I can't shake the feeling that the person that people see me as is not who I believe I am. I don't really know how people see me, but I have so much in me that I wish could shine through. These days I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I'm so tired of being overlooked. No matter what people say, a first glance at someone determines something. I just want to run around screaming. Normally, I don't mind being in the background, letting other people shine, but I want my time to shine!! I want people to notice me! I want to stop wanting people I can't have. I want to be happy with myself, I want to succeed!!! I want to stop being so insecure. I want to say I'm going to do something and actually stick to it! I WANT TO BE HAPPY!!!!!!! I wanna say fuck every bitch that ever made me feel like I was less than I am. I don't want to keep my feelings and my thoughts to myself, I want a drama free existence. I want to stop feeling like I care about/put in more effort than most of my friends. I want to stop living in the past. I want to stop feeling like if I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, most of the people in my life wouldnt be there for me. I want to stop feeling awkward. I want to stop hating my life and myself. I want to stop feeling like I'm a passing phase in someone's life.
People meet me, get close to me, and then find one of my friends that they become closer to and I'm just standing there like what the fuck. I want to get what I want from time to time. I don't want to have to fight and scratch and crawl and climb to get every single thing in my life.

Life likes to throw punches, and then kick me when I'm down. I've taken my hits, I've paid my dues, but it still doesn't seem to be enough. Usually, I'm fall apart immediately. I'm done doing that(or at least I shall try). I'm gonna be here til the world crumbles around me. Some people are meant to be tested, tried, and to suffer. It's not fair, but it's what it is. And if I'm meant to be one of those people...well that sucks, but I'm not gonna take it laying down. I'm gonna fight unhappiness til the day I die, because I want/need/know I deserve better than that.

Opening up

For months, I have been seriously depressed. I don't know that anyone knew unless I told them, but I was. It got so bad at one point that I was cutting myself. That's not ok, and I really have no idea how I got to that point.
Like I said earlier, I am trying to gain more confidence in myself, but sometimes, it fails me and I am still the same insecure person I've always been. I'm trying my best, but I have my days.
During this depression, I closed myself off to emotion. The only emotions that I would feel were sadness or anger. My life has always been a lot to handle, so the way I deal with things is to have an initial reaction, and then to shove it to the back of my mind. It was always my first instict, probably a self preservation thing. Now that I am trying to change, I'm trying to let myself FEEL things. And it's kind of scary. I'm happy, and I'm sad. Because I've held so much in, my emotions come in tidal waves, its like a roller coaster ride that I would very much like to get off of. I'm gonna stick out as best I can, gotta make it through the storm before you can get to the sunshine.

One Big Tangent

My new year's resolutions are(in no particular order)...
To have a better relationship with my mom
Take better care of myself physically, mentally, and emotionally
Not being so negative
Let go of the past
Love myself more (seems like an odd one I know, but like I said before...I tend to only see the bad things about myself)
Do better in school

I don't know if that's all of them, but those are the ones I could think of now.
Now let's see if I can make that happen. People like to think that wishing or praying for something means that some higher being or some power in the world will make it happen. I generally don't like to touch on religion for a few reasons...1. because religion is a very sensitive area for a lot of people and 2. because I'm not really sure what I believe. I'm still looking for a religion I can be comfortable with. A lot of religions promote ideals and beliefs that I don't necessarily agree with, so it's hard. But the religion I have been most comfortable with is Wicca. My mom practices Wicca, so I've been around that for most of my life. People are usually put off by it because they associate Wicca with spells and incantations and unnatural things. BUT if you think about it...it's pretty similar to Christianity. Christians believe that there is one God, while Wiccans believe there are multiple Gods and Goddesses. When a Christian prays for something, they are asking for God's help. When a Wiccan does a spell, that's their form of prayer. They are calling to a God or Goddess to help them with something.
Yeah yeah I go off on tangents, but the point is...I don't know Christianity at all, and i won't pretend to, so I don't know if someone that follows Christianity believes that if you pray to God for something, He will make it happen for them, or if God will assist them in what they are asking for. Wiccans believe that they are asking a God or Goddess for help, as well as sending out energy into the world to make what they want happen. However, Wiccans do understand that they can't just do a spell and expect the results to just happen. And there is the fact of when you do a spell, whatever energy you put out in the world will come back to you three-fold. For example...if you ask for money, you may get it. But somewhere down the line you will lose 3 times as much. In Wicca, there is no room to be selfish. Instead of asking for money, one would ask to have the opportunity to MAKE that money or borrow it from somewhere.
Yeah...this blog was all over the place lol.

Writing and Sunrises

Writing is a big part of who I am. Lately, I've not been inspired to write. A good portion of this year, I spent seriously depressed. I won't go into detail about that, because that's an entirely different topic which deserves its own blog. Writing (for the most part) helps me when I'm upset. I'm not the type of writer who sits down and is already planning in their head what they're going to write. Most times, I just sit down and let my mind blank out. I don't control what I write, it's a mystery to me. I just write and then tweak stuff. I guess that's part of why I procrastinate. I'm never the person to go over their stuff. I believe that what I write is what I meant to write on some level, so it shouldn't be drastically changed. with that....this is just something I wrote... I stayed up all night (its currently 7:40AM). I spent the night enthralled in a book. And I watched the sunrise. It's my favorite time of day because its beautiful and peaceful and underrated. Everyone lovvessss the sunset, I say sunrise is better. It's just as beautiful, and it signifies the start to a new day, which means new possibilities.
One of the few good things my mother did was when I was pretty young, some nights me and my mom would stay up late and fall asleep on the couches we had. On those nights, she would always get me up early and we would walk down to the river front and sit and watch the sun rise. Those were one of the few times that were peaceful for us. And when I was older, I would stay up all night and go down to that same spot and watch the sun rise alone. it was my solace for a very long time. Watching the sun rise is cathartic for me. It helps me think and clear my head.
I wasn't thinking about much of anything when I wrote this, it's just what came out...


This is all I can tell you
My break in life is overdue
This life of chaos I outgrew
One fact that I hold true
Is chaos is not something you can subdue

But that's not the issue
The choices you make, you can't undo
And I'm not the girl you once knew
I haven't been since I had a preview
Of a peaceful life, with faith renew
I'm on a journey I will pursue
A life without the lies people spew
A life people wouldn't consider taboo
A life where people aren't trying to outdo
Me and the things I try to do

This is all I can tell you
I just want a life I can value
I just want to experience something new.

Sick

I woke up super sick today. But that also brings me to one of my resolutions for this year; I NEED to take better care of myself. When someone else is sick, I try to take care of them and get them better. But when I'm sick, I kind of only half try to get myself better cuz I don't care that much, my mentality is that it'll eventually go away. But taking care of myself doesn't only pertain to when I'm sick, I need to start taking care of myself in general. No more being up half the night when I have class in the morning, no more getting high all day, every day. I'm going to start working out again, because it makes me feel good about myself, and for my health, I should lose some weight.
I've realized that I need to set realistic goals for myself. I start out really hyped over something and then when I don't live up to the goals I set for myself, I feel bad or disappointed in myself. And I don't want that anymore. I'm slowly realizing that I need to treat myself better, and stop judging myself so harshly. Judgment in moderation is something that I think every one needs. You need to be a little critical of yourself sometimes. But I do it too much, and I end up making myself feel like shit.
I'm slowly learning that I'm me, and that's all I can be, and I need to be happy with that person. And if I'm not, then it's on me to change something about myself. 2010 is definitely a time for change.

Back Again

It's been a very long time since I've posted anything on here. Taking advice from a friend, I am going to start blogging again.
For me, 2010 represents new possibilities, realizations, truth, and letting go.
So, in that spirit...
To most people who pass me by on the street, I'm just some fat chick with a pretty face. You never really stop to think that there's actually a person with feelings, emotions, problems, friends, and family walking past you. Some people don't have the decency to keep their comments to themselves. People make jokes at another person's expense.
What these people passing me by on the street don't know is that they could never judge me more than I judge myself. I would love to say that their words don't affect me, but they expect that their words are some kind of eye opener to me, when really they are only confirming fears I had about myself. Fears that have been companions of mine since a very early age.
People's comments became my fear. I had enough to deal with without having to hear what complete strangers thought of me.
I don't know how it happened, but recently I've been gaining more confidence. This is/has been my biggest issue; I've never had an ounce of confidence in myself. Instead of seeing anything positive about the way I looked, I only saw all the negatives. That lack of self confidence seeped into the way in which I viewed the person that I was/am. It made it impossible for me to be confident in any way, shape, or form.
I'm slowly starting to change that for myself. And as crazy as it seems, it's scary. I've always known self-doubt. I've always thought the worst of myself and when someone saw something in me that they liked, it was a welcome surprise. and to be honest, I'm terrified of thinking highly of myself to then be told that I'm not as pretty, as funny, as smart, or as good as I might think I am. It takes so much for me to say anything positive about myself. I gotta try to work on it though...
Sorry this one was so long, but we had some catching up to do. And it's also the 1st of the year, gotta start off strong.