A lot of people don't want to hear the truth about themselves, and I can understand that, which is why I refrain myself with the people that don't want to hear about themselves. But I'm not one of those people, I don't want anything other than honesty. Sure, the truth might hurt or make me angry, but I'd rather that than being lied to. With that being said, it baffles me that people want to lie to me, or avoid the truth. If you're honest, I can't really be that mad. I hold grudges with liars. It's just so disrespectful. I don't know, I don't get it.

I am quite possibly starting to lose my mind. My thoughts just circle around the same damn thing...this friggin idiot. Everyone keeps telling me no, don't. And maybe they're right...they probably are. But I just can't help myself. I don't know how I'm going to go about this, but I need to do it. It's not just a want...it's a need. I've been doing nothing but thinking lately and I realized that that's a huge part of the reason I was depressed last semester, and why I'm fighting it this semester. So I need to do this to get my head together. No one understands it, and I guess I understand why they don't, but it's something I need to do. And I just wish that at least one person would stop telling me not to do this and actually try to help figure out what to say.
fuckfuckfuckfuckshitfuckfuckmotherfuckershitshitfuck
yup...that's how I feel.

It was once a beautiful work of art
Everything flowed
The color, composition, the movement
Everything perfectly in sync
Then a tear here, a chip there
A loss of color somewhere
A flawed beauty now tattered and frayed
A multitude of damage
Perfection decayed

No one wants to be lost, they never want to admit that they haven't figured out who they are. And more times than not, they haven't figured it out yet. I'm so close I can taste it. It's just on the other side of a door I only have partial access to. It comes and goes. When I have a firm grasp on it, I can let all the bullshit, pettiness, and drama roll off my back. But when it's slipped away from me is when the walls close in. The world is a little less colorful, a little less loud.
I've built a life I can barely comprehend. It's full of useless bullshit and energy wasted on the unimportant. We all bitch and bicker and laugh and cry and get angry so fast I think I have whiplash. I'm tired of the drama and the shit. Who does any of this benefit? What good do the arguments do? What do you accomplish with the deceit? Why do we do this shit to ourselves and others? It makes no fucking sense. This one doesn't like that one. This one is jealous of that one. What the fuck are we doing?
People always tell me that I hold my tongue too much, that I don't say enough or stick up for myself. They see me getting beat down, and it angers them because I won't say a word. I'm a silent sufferer by choice. It's not that I enjoy having to keep my mouth shut, and it's definitely not that I don't have shit to say. At the end of the day...no matter how well you think you know me, I've managed to keep everyone at arms length. I am a person filled with rage. A seething hate. It is incomprehensible even to me. I am more sadistic than anyone could really imagine. The things my mind comes up with scares me sometimes. I've managed not to control my temper, but to bury it. And me giving myself permission to really tell people what I think of them would be me digging up my temper. I am silent because I want to protect those around me, whether they deserve it or not. They say words don't hurt, but I would choose my words carefully, choosing the right combination to metaphorically stab a knife into the person's heart and dig, twisting it around until the pain was unbearable. So yes, I will continue to be silent, because I don't ever want to be the person I know I could be.

Some stuff I found in one of my notebooks..

It sucks up all of my time
It consumes every thought
It has a hand in every action
It is the force behind every movement
It's what propels me to keep going
It changes the mind set
Nothing else is important
It suffocates and satisfies
It is hate my heart if full of
I let you see who I was
Who I'd love to be
But I haven't been her in a long time
Which is why I keep people at a distance from me

You put me down
You think I don't know
You think I don't see
But I guess that's the point
You underestimate me
I wish you'd understand
I'm never going to be the villain you wish I would be
Maybe then you'd stop trying
And wasting useless energy
I don't know what I did
Or why you have to act this way
But I'm not going anywhere
Not today, tomorrow, or the next day
And having you in my life
Isn't worth the price I have to pay
I'm done holding my tongue
Now there are some things I have to say...

Outside influences fuck with my head
They say you can't, they say you're not good enough
They match the voices in my head
Words I've long been trying to erase
I fight to prove something
To no one
Because no one looks in this direction
You look at me
And see someone who isn't me
You don't see someone so scared
To just be who she is
I've been taught to hide
To be ashamed
Of who I am
Long ago told that no one would ever love me
Or care
One sentence stuck on repeat for the past 6 years
You thought I forgot, but how could I?
My soul is wounded
You love me and I wish I could return it
But I'll never put myself in that position
To be so badly hurt
Not ever again
I want to shine, I want to be the person I know I am
But I just can't
So I'll keep hiding behind this stranger you think I am.

This complacency silences the world. It numbs feeling and puts a stop to original thought. It is the death of creativity. The invisible walls in which she was confined start to crack, the mime will lash out and shout from the rooftops.

My creativity has been drained by the life I am leading. First pull...my reflexes slow. Second pull...my senses dull, Third pull...my energy evaporates. Fourth pull...my ability of thought and speech cease to work. While you are my beautiful friend...I am overindulgent when it comes to you. You swirl around in my lungs, course through my body, and I once was filled by wonder and excitement by you, I am now filled with complacency. I feel as if a part of my soul was lost along the way. The fire that made me who I am slowly burned out. Can I get that fire back? I miss it dearly. It was extinguished by my own negative thoughts and the negative words/actions of others. People, as well as myself, have contributed to my belief that I should be one who stands on the sidelines. My mind, my heart, my soul, my very being is screaming out to be noticed. I won't take what's not mine, but it's my time to shine. I'm not meant to be background noise, I'm meant to be center stage.

I want to dance and skip and twirl around. I want to engage in intelligent and fulfilling conversation. I want to play fight and have water fights, I want to run around the quad, or lay down and stare up at the stars. I want to feel every emotion my mind permits. I want to experience the highs and lows of life. I want to stop hiding and face my fears. I want to be free.

I just feel off lately. I don't really know what to do with myself anymore. I feel stuck in a rut. I don't want to be here, but there's no where else to be. I understand WHY I'm at college, and I'll follow it through especially since I've made it this far, but this place is fucking with my head. This lifestyle I've gotten into isn't fun anymore. It's the same shit all the time. It's the same people all the fucking time. How many nights can I really be happy with smoking and chilling with the same people? I love them to death, but I want some variety, I'm stagnant and it's really actually starting to affect me.
I feel like I'm in a box, and I'd love nothing more than to break out of it. I just don't know how or what to do with myself after I'm out of said box. Bottom line: I feel dumb when I smoke, it's gotten to the point where I can't even write anymore and it depresses me. I feel like I'm suffocating.

PS: I'm Still Not Over You

Whats up?
I know we haven't spoken for a while
But I was thinkin bout you
And it kinda made me smile
So many things to say
I had to put em in a letter
Thought it might be easier
The words might come out better
How's your mother, how's your little brother?
Does he still look just like you?
So many things I wanna know the answers to
Wish I could press rewind
And rewrite every line
To the story of me and you

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried
To get you out my mind
But it don't get no better
As each day goes by
And I'm lost and confused
I've got nothin to lose
Hope to hear from you soon
P.S. I'm still not over you
Still not over you

Excuse me, I really didn't mean to ramble on
But there's a lot of feelings that remain since you've been gone
I guess you thought that I would put it all behind me
But it seems there's always somethin right there to remind me
Like a silly joke, or somethin on the t.v.
Boy it aint easy
When I hear our song
I get that same old feeling
Wish I could press rewind
Turn back the hands of time
And I shouldn't be telling you

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried
To get you out my mind
But it don't get no better
As each day goes by
And I'm lost and confused
I've got nothin to lose
Hope to hear from you soon
P.S. I'm still not over you
Still not over you

Did you know I kept all of your pictures
Don't have the strength to part with them yet
Oh no....
Tried to erase the way your kisses taste
But some things a girl can never forget

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried
To get you out my mind
But it don't get no better
As each day goes by
And I'm lost and confused
I've got nothin to lose
Hope to hear from you soon
P.S. I'm still not over you
Still not over you

I've come to the realization that I either care about things too much or not at all. My mood concerning this sways like the wind. One day I'll care, the next day I really don't. For example... some days, I HATE that I'm on opposite schedules from everyone because they all get to hang out together, while I'm stuck in class or doing homework. And other days, I'm like YES! Alone time!
I suppose that my problem is that everyone assumes I don't listen to or notice everything that goes on around me, but I do. So on the days that I care, I'll see or hear or be told something that makes me feel some type of way. On the days that I don't care, I need to be by myself to basically let go/dump out all of the crap that has accumulated in my mind. Because I realize it's just all unnecessary bullshit, is it going to matter in a month or a year or a few years from now? If the answer is no, then it shouldn't concern me.
Everyone comes to me with their problems, which to me, is a beautiful thing. I love being trusted by someone enough to hear their problems, but I guess I give off the vibe that not only can you talk to me, but you can lean heavy on me for everything. And its one thing to be a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to, but its something entirely different to be so involved in your problems that I'm doing the work FOR you. I get too emotionally invested in other people's problems, because I want to help them so much that I end up stressing myself out, so I'm trying to step away from that. But in all of this happening, I get to push my problems aside, which I love and hate. I love it because it's easier to deal with other people's problems as opposed to dealing with my own, but I hate it because I know that's probably not the healthiest thing in the world for me. But as a result of this, I stopped talking to other people about problems and whatnot that I have...which is honestly a lot healthier for me. I love to get everyone's opinion, and everyone should NOT be privy to my problems. Plus everyone has a different opinion which does not help, and what I'm realizing is how I think about things and how i deal with things is a lot different than most people, so their advice doesn't help much.

Ok to summarize...I enjoy my time with friends, but I'm LOVING my alone time. If for no other reason, I know I'm growing because I love myself a whole more these days, and I enjoy my own company. =] yay go me

Quote

I found this quote that I'm in love with...
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

A Letter

Dear Boy,
I don't know who you are or what you look like, but I know you're out there. If nothing else, I have faith in that. I know that when I meet you, I'll know you're someone special. I'm sure we'll have our problems, and our fights, but I know that we'll work it out in the end. Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. I have my flaws, and so do you, but we will love each other despite those flaws. I can't promise that I'll trust you at first, or open up to you, but please keep trying. Because I've been waiting for a love so strong that it over comes everything. I promise to always try. I hope that you'll come into my life soon, because I'm so tired of these people that I like, but it ends up going no where. I want to be in love, to be so in love that I lose myself in you. To love more passionately, more intensely than you ever thought possible.
Love,
Me