I recently had a conversation with someone I used to have a crazy crush on. And the person definitely knew about. I asked how they knew about the crush and they told me it was just a feeling and also that I "cared a lot". While I know I'm not the most slick person, I didn't think I was so obvious. As a rule in my life, I never tip my hand before the other person tips theirs. While I apparently am extremely obvious, I'm completely oblivious to people liking me. I assume people don't, so they literally have to tell me that they like me or want to hook up or whatnot. Or I've had it happen where the person had to be so obvious that even a blind person could see it. I can call everything that's going to happen in someone else's love life, but in my own, I'm blind.
Over break, my roomie had commented on the fact that I'm intense when talking to someone new because I throw questions at them right off the bat. I see this as being blunt, because I really am incapable of easing my way into something, I actually find it to be a waste of time. There's something I want to know or say, so I'm just going to ask you, or spit out whatever it is I have to say.

On an entirely different subject...
I was having a conversation with some friends concerning the fact that I plan on hooking up with an ex who has a girlfriend. While cheating isn't something I condone, it's also something that happens every day. I'm too loyal, so I would never cheat on someone I was with. But I'm not with anyone, and I don't owe anyone anything. So if someone I want to get with, and have wanted to get with for years wants to get with me and that person just so happens to be in a relationship...that's not my problem. That's basically what it comes down to. Is he a douche for cheating? Yes. Even though he probably thinks he has a valid reason for cheating, he has no ground to stand on. There's never a reasonable excuse for cheating. Had I wanted to date him, this would be a problem, seeing as how I have no desire to be in a relationship or engage in any romantic entanglements, I'm going to enjoy myself, and he can deal with that mess.

No Fear

I have an issue with being fearful of just about everything. My lack of confidence motivates my fear for sure. I never want to take a chance and look stupid, I'd rather just not try. But lately when I think of doing something new and my brain automatically goes to "you can't do that" I now question why can't I? I'm no longer scared of looking stupid...so what? Why do I care what people think? Over break, I conquered my fear of roller coasters lol. I have to take baby steps to get where I want to be and that was my first step. Of course there are bigger fears that I have that I have yet to deal with, but hopefully one day...
I've come to the conclusion that all fears can be broken down into a manageable size. Why are you scared of it? What will happen if you try whatever you're scared of? Will you die? No? Ok then let's go.

For so long I have been consciously trying to fix myself. I've been broken for so long that I really forgot how it was to just be happy versus faking it. Going to Florida really changed me. I guess I just felt free to be however I wanted to be. There wasn't drama or judgement or stress. I got to be happy and relaxed and free. It was much needed healing time for my relationship with myself and my relationship with someone else.
I felt different when I came back, but it was made more clear to me when the people closest to me said that I looked different, I looked good, that was I was happy and bubbly and SMILING. I feel different about myself and my life too. I like myself now...actually, fuck that, I LOVE myself now! I'm an awesome person, and I enjoy my own company. The only thing I wish is that I could let my guard down all the way and just be me 100% around people. Most people dont get to see it, but I'm random and crazy and I make random sounds and faces and I dance/twirl around my house. I randomly get dressed up, do my hair and put on make up just because I can. And I'm talking prom dress status lol. I get bored and cook random shit...I love to mix things that sound like they shouldnt go together just to see if it'll taste good. I randomly go through everything I own and organize and throw out crap I don't need. I don't like to have a lot of stuff. I like to keep the things I own to a minimum...I don't really know why...I have my guesses, but who really knows. When I'm angry, I like to clean, it gets out my frustration. I have the best and worst memory...I can't remember a lot, but if I do remember it, I'll remember every detail. And if I remember something, it means it had some kind of effect on me.
Yeah I just got totally distracted, but the bottom line would be that I'm feelin myself =]

I've been going to a lot of people for advice. And either people don't know what to say or they tell me "Don't do it" "You shouldn't" "You can't"
And that's all well and good. But recently I was talking to a friend and she said "Listen, I can tell you what I think, and so can everyone else, but at the end of the day, you're going to do whatever the hell you want." Which is very true, but it doesn't mean I don't want people's opinions. I feel as if people think I know exactly what I'm doing, but the trust is....I HAVE NO CLUE WTF IM DOING!!!
I don't know where this is headed (if anywhere). I don't know if its the beginning or the end. I have no clue. No idea.
But honestly...I've been severely depressed for 9 months. I'm on academic probation, I never want to go to class or do work, I want to be by myself all the time, I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to do anything. And on top of all of that, I was cutting myself for months. All of this is very unlike me. Like I said in a previous blog, I hate the person I've become. And the past few days I've been good. I'm happy and bubbly and energetic, and just....idk more like the girl i used to be and love. So no, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing or where its going, but I feel like I can breathe again, adn no amount of preaching from anyone is going to stop me from following the light when I've been stuck in the dark for so long.

We all say we want to stop, and we all mean it when we say it, but when it comes down to actually slowing down or stopping...no one really does it. In the past year of smoking on a daily basis, we have had 8 people in our crew that smoke on the daily, and only one person out of eight was able to put down the blunt and actually walk away.
Because it's only bud, people brush off the fact that we smoke daily because they attribute it to a college thing or just a phase they're going through, no one understands that this shit is addicting. The bud itself may not be addictive, but the feeling of being high is addicting. I've had conversations with several people over the past few days and everyone is saying the same thing...we need to stop smoking all the time. But no one has made the first step.
The truth is...it's a big part of our group. No one wants to admit it, but it is. What do we always do? Smoke. If we're sober and trying to think of something to do, the first thing suggested is to smoke. In a group so big, there will always be one person having a bad day, and we use this (among others) as a justification to smoke. I do it too, if I'm having a bad day, I always turn to the blunt. Can we try dealing with our issues sober? I don't know about you, but that's what I plan to do. It's a crutch that I do not need.

How

I used to be so different. I used to feel good about myself on a fairly regular basis.
I used to be loud and outgoing and sarcastic and just so unafraid of the world. I've done a complete 180 and I don't know how or when or why that happened, and I don't know how to get back to it. But I hate the person I am now. This person is shy and quiet and always in her head and never wanting to be around people. This girl is terrified of the world, and she's so insecure it's disgusting. I hate this girl. And I have to see her every day in the mirror and think her thoughts and feel her feelings. I don't want to be this girl anymore, someone else can have this job. But how do I go back? How do I become the girl I love again? How???

I convinced myself I needed you
I convinced myself I needed anyone
But the truth is
I'm best on my own
No stress, no pressure, no one's judgment or expectations
By myself
I can be me
I can be free
I wish I could be that person around people
It's the only time I'm truly happy

Heartbreak and sadness
are trappings
of a life I live
but not the one I was meant for.

I know I was meant for something different
Always conscious of what's different about me
Being insecure of those differences
Just because society says be ashamed

My hopes, my fears
My insecurities
Only further make me who I am
Yet I'm ashamed of all of it

A person terrified
Of who they are
Doesn't live
The simply survive, one day at a time
I don't want to just survive anymore
I want to live
I want to be free