Emotionally Exhausted

Part of me wants to forgive her. I really really do. I miss my friend. But I don't know how. It would be relief not to feel the hate that I feel for both of them. But I don't know how to forgive this. I don't feel like I have it in me to forgive this. It's too much to forgive. When I think about them separately, I feel like I could forgive them, but thinking about them being together behind my back brings back that hate and the frustration and the sadness that I feel for both of them. And it's not like they're from 2 separate parts of my life. She was always at my house, and he lives here too. The thought of going back to her constantly being at my house makes my stomach churn. The trust and faith in both of them has left my mind and my heart. Things would never be the same. And what's the point of trying to resume a friendship that I don't have trust and faith in anymore? I'd always hold it against her, I'd always resent her for it, and I'd always be paranoid that it would happen again. So what am I supposed to do?

Deactivated

deactivated my fb...doubt it'll last long...but I don't feel like having the world of fb know my business. These days, life is less than pleasant.

Update

What I don't understand is this...
Why can't exes be friends? My ex Nick...I don't have feelings for him anymore. I hit him up tonight just to chat. It's been a while since we talked. Ok, yes, the last time I saw him, we hooked up...and well everytime we see each other, we hook up. But I wasn't trying to see him, I just wanted to talk. And tonight this is what he said "I'm not comfortable talking to you. I have a a gf and we're way serious." This was after me asking how he was and what he was up to, and jokin with him a little bit. Am I that much of a threat to your relationship that we can't even talk online? It just doesn't make any kind of sense to me. I mean...I'm not gonna hit him up anymore if that's what he wants, but I'm just honestly confused.

In other news...I'm surrounded by liars. My friend, my brother, my ex, and newly...this guy joe I had been talking to. I'm not interested in him like that...he's way too old for me, he's not attractive and well now I come to find out he's a liar too. My friend Wendy was telling me how she used to fuck with him, and she was telling me how he's fucked with other women @ work and how he says whatever he has to to get with a girl. AND...this is the biggest part...he's married! WTF?! And he lied to me about his age. What is it about me exactly that liars and backstabbers and creepers flock to me?? Why can't I just find honest people to have in my life?! I can't take any more liars.

Changes

this summer has just been ridiculous so far. And I'm not saying that in a good way. Gotta keep it movin. Gotta barrel through that bad shit in hopes of finding a silver lining/ some happiness. This summer is gonna be trying, and is going to change me, I can already feel it happening...I just hope those changes are for the better, cuz it isn't feeling that way right now.

Falling Off The Edge

I was hoping that I was just stressing too much over the whole being behind on the rent thing. But I was talking to my brother and he was like "yeah we're definitely gonna get kicked out before the end of the summer." And he's not one to be overly dramatic. I just don't know what to do. My family has helped out with paying our rent and everyone is broke right now, they can't help anymore.
If we get kicked out, I'll have to live with my dad and my grandma again. Now, this may not seem all that bad, but it is. If I had to point to a time in my life where I was really and truly depressed, it would be when I lived with them before. My dad isn't really the problem, it's my grandma. She thinks 6pm is late, I'm not allowed to go out with friends if I'm gonna be home later than like 8pm. And we get into HUGE fights about the stupidest shit. She would get mad if i had my comforter on my bed on the navy blue side instead of the side with the flowers, or the fact that I had the fan on at night in the winter time. She bitched because "it costs money"!! I was like "ok grandma, i'll give u the like 5 cents that it costs!" really?! Its unnecessary. I should've just done the summer crew thing on campus and stayed there for the summer. I don't know why I didn't. I'm kicking myself repeatedly for not doing that. I can't live there, I won't do it. And I have nowhere else to go. I wish I could pay the rent myself, cuz I'd do it, but I don't make that kind of money. And I try to talk to my mom and my brother about getting jobs, and they get mad at me. My brother says there are no jobs out there, and my mom says she can't start working again until she's better cuz apparently she's "sick." That bitch is ALWAYS "sick" she always claims that there's something wrong, yeah..it's in ur fuckin HEAD!!! And there are always jobs if u look hard enough..whether its mopping floors or working at mcdonalds, there's always SOMETHING out there! And my mom really needs to just suck it up. I don't understand how I'm the only one worried about this! I'm so fuckin stressed. I cannot deal with this shit.

Puzzles Pieces That Just Don't Fit Together

Sometimes I feel like I really don't fit with any part of my life. I'm restless and unhappy at home, and I'm mostly happy when I'm at school, but I get this nagging feeling like I'm not where I'm supposed to be. I can't really explain it, I probably sound weird, but I just don't feel like I fit. I don't feel like I'm doing anything, or accomplishing anything. I just feel like I'm going through the motions of all of it.

Bringing this chapter to a close

I'm not exactly sure what I'm bringing away from this situation, I'm not quite sure what purpose loving you and losing you served. Was it a lesson that was meant for you, or for me? What I do know is this: I don't cry about it anymore, it hurts a little less every day, and my life will go on. I'm not as strong as I'd like to be about all of this, but I do know that there's someone else out there for me, because you didn't love me, which means that there is someone out there that will love me. So I'm content knowing that one day I will find him; a guy who loves me completely, truly, and utterly.

The past is the past, but we sometimes find it hard to leave it there. Yes, I do think of what could have been a lot. But the worst is walking thru stop & shop and having memories flood my brain of me and Jonathan. However, eventually those memories will fade a bit, and that's the day I'm waiting for...

An Attempt...

In response to Sasha's comment on one of my blogs, I've decided to take her advice and try to be positive, and try to be happy. Honestly...it gets pretty hard sometimes, and it's a slow process getting over someone especially when it ended so quickly, but I'm making a solid attempt. Today is the 3rd day in a row that I haven't cried about all of this, which I see as an accomplishment. Lol and its pretty sad that that's an accomplishment. But for days I was hysterically crying, and I'm reallyyyy glad that's behind me.
Today was the LONGEST frickin day everrrr! I had to get up mad early to go to the doctor's so he could remove a mole, and it bled profusely for about 20 mins, my blood soaked thru several gauze pads and the doc was considering giving me stitches and I was like HELL NO! lol
In other news...this guy from work likes me =/. He's WAY too old for me, I'm not attracted to him, I told him such, but he still likes me. Eek! I just wanna be friends. Ugh.

It's kind of morbid, but I sometimes think if I died tomorrow, would any/all of my friends care? Would they be sad? Would they attend my funeral? Would Jonathan care? Would he be sad? It's kind of hard to think someone cares about you even a little bit when they completely cut you out of their life.

I've been thinking for days now, trying to rationalize this in my mind so I can move on. Did he just not feel the same about me anymore? Was he just scared? I know I'll never know the answers to these questions, but I just wish I could know, cuz its the not knowing that makes it so hard to move on...

Money Troubles

I'm having a minor heart attack. You know how you know there's a problem, but you kinda stop worrying about it when the problem isn't always in your face?
That's how the whole being behind on the rent thing was for me. But my landlord just knocked on our door. And I listened in on their conversation, and now I'm gettin really nervous again. My mom hasn't paid the rent for May and we're already into the month of June, and that's not even counting the 4 months rent we owe already. I'm gonna be lucky not to be out on my ass before the summer is over. =[
ughhh

Broken Heart

In the past 3 days my world has been flipped upside down. Fears that weren't even a thought in my mind have come true. Everything is just shades of gray. I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm fuckin depressed. Nothing makes sense right now. Absolutely nothing. I feel like I'm wandering around in the darkness. How could this happen? How is it that I'm that girl? Did you mean ANYTHING you said, or was it all just lies?
Part of me wants him to come back so I can just reject him. Another part of me wants him to come back, so I could be with him. But if that were to happen, I wouldn't have any respect for myself. So that's obviously not an option.
I'm just really fucking confused. Why do we allow ourselves to be open to people when it seems like we spend more time being miserable than we do being happy? Why is it worth it? I let myself be open to the possibility to love, and love found me. And for a short amount of time, I was truly and completely happy. It was disgusting how good I felt and how content I was. But my life stayed true to how its always been: when something good happens, something worse is just around the corner. And shit just went down hill. And in the past 3 days, it feels like my heart has been stomped on, and thrown over a cliff.
I just want to know WHY? If I was willing to overcome all over your drama, why weren't you? And how could you do this to me?