Wednesday, April 13, 2011

a letter to myself

Dear Sam,
Lately you've been kind of a mess. I'm still confused as to why. Slowly, we come to conclusions or we encounter situations that provide some clarity to our life. You are convinced that the answer to most or all questions someone has about themselves is within that person, and you may be right. The problem is, you don't trust yourself enough yet to be able to find those answers. It is only through painful experiences & later conversations that you get the answer you're looking for. Stop looking at other people for the right answer! You have the wonderful gift of intuition that you need to have more faith and confidence in.
Your biggest problem is your self confidence. You have grown so much in these past 4 years, and to look back at it now, through these eyes, makes me want to cry. I am so proud of myself, but why is that so hard to admit? You have gone through A LOT in your life thus far, and most of that you have internalized. If there was ever one wish I could have for myself, it would be for the negative voices to stop dancing around in my head. While you haven't let those go yet, I can say that I am beyond proud that you have let the positive voices dance with the negative (and even overpower them) sometimes.
"you need to stop walking around here like you're not the shit. Look at you, you're maaad cute. So you better start walking around here like you're the shit. Like hey, look at me, I'm Sam and I'm the shit."
"you know who you are, you know what you want, so that puts you into control."
"you're starting to piss me off. you walk around acting like you're weak, and you're not. You've been through a lot of shit, but that makes you stronger, so start acting like it."
"the people that are truly your friends love you and appreciate your existence in their lives"
"you're a beautiful person sam, right down to your core."
"me: why are you staring at me?
him: it's like a beautiful painting that needs to be admired and appreciated."

all of these things...all of these people...have contributed to my awakening. I owe them a lot for that.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Fairytale or nightmare?

Lately I've been giving a great deal of thought to those that are emotionless, or those that are limited in their emotional capabilities. Many people say they're emotionless, but they are only wishing that was the truth. The truth is, most of us pretend nothing can hurt us, when in reality, we feel everything.Being a very emotional person, it's hard to imagine those who truly are emotionless.
My best friend is emotionally limited. It takes a long time and a lot of effort on the other person's part to get her to open up to someone when it comes to romantic relationships. However, she will acknowledge the other person's efforts.
Recently, I met someone I am very interested in. He is everything I could hope to find in a man. But with every perfect situation, there comes a flaw. His is that he is emotionally retarded. He told me he was the first to admit he was hard to be in a relationship with, and he told me on our date that if I didn't hit him up for a week, he wouldn't be the type to blow up my phone, asking why I wasn't talking to him. And we even joked about him being emotionally retarded. All of this, and I somehow managed to ignore it. I thought it was all talk, because he swept me off my feet on our date, and we talked every day, all day for 2 weeks or so. He was able to open up, so I thought he was like most people who couldn't admit that they are emotional.
But slowly, he stopped hitting me up as much, and I started to feel like I was bothering him because he seemed so uninterested in talking to me or hearing what i had to say. So on Tuesday, after another text went unanswered and unacknowledged, I decided to stop hitting him up. I haven't hit him up since and he hasn't tried to contact me by any means. The more time that passes, the less interested I become. Now, if you know me, you know that this is a huge deal. I have always been the girl that couldn't let go, no matter how messed up the situation, and no matter how much wrong had been done to me by the person. I could never give up on a person or a situation. I'm still trying to understand why that is, but to know that I have the capability of walking away from a situation with my confidence and my dignity in tact is a wonderful thing.
A friend keeps telling me that she doesn't want me to walk away from the situation yet, because she knows he's what I've been looking for, but communication is a huge thing to me, and it's not something I'm willing to compromise on. We're still in the courting stage and we haven't talked for almost 6 days, that's a problem. At the latest, he should have contacted me on day 3. It's sad to see that there is someone in the world that, so far, is perfect for me, but he is missing one huge quality.
I could never ask someone to change for me, and I would never expect that someone would do it for me. So I try not to let that thought enter my mind. I heard a line in a movie once..."all women want to be the exception when they're really the rule" or something along those lines. It's a cute fantasy to think that someone will change to be with you; that you'd somehow inspire them to be better so they could be worthy of you. Very rarely does that happen. In my mind, those are they fairy tales; a story that is unattainable but beautiful to dream about.

Leap of faith: fairytale or nightmare?