A love letter to a future lover

Someone was reading me an assignment for their class, and it inspired me to mimic the assignment...
Dear future lover,
I've been impatient waiting for you to come along. I was searching for you for a while, but stopped because I knew it was useless. I know that you're out there, and that you will come in time. I know you'll show up at the right time. Maybe you'll come when everything is peaceful in my life, or maybe you'll be a knight in shining armor of sorts. You'll come at a hectic time in my life. You'll realize the situation and be there for me. We'll meet in a coffee shop. We'll make polite conversation about our mutual addiction to coffee, and the prices for lattes. When our time is up, you'll ask for my number. I'll be a bit skeptical, but I'll give it to you anyway.

You'll surprise me when I hear from you later that day; you don't believe in waiting x amount of days until you contact the woman. We'll text and chat on the phone, getting to know each other. You'll be cute with your messages, and know how much is enough communication. You'll be sarcastic at times, and you'll enjoy my sarcasm.

You'll ask me to meet you for coffee, and I will accept the invitation. Our conversations will be intelligent and deep, because you appreciate that I enjoy intellectual conversations, and you enjoy hearing my opinions on things. I will become more comfortable with you, and inform you that I am untrusting of people, and that I bring some baggage to the table. You'll smile and welcome the challenge of getting me to open up. You'll charm me with you persistence and your personality, and I will open up to you quicker than expected.

We'll go on dates, and walks through a local park or something outdoors, because we both have an appreciation for nature. At the end of each date, you'll walk me to my door. We'll pause, prolonging the conversation, because we both do not want to leave each other. Then, when the conversation is over, you lean in, and we kiss. Our first kiss will be magical. It will be full of curiosity, wonder, and anticipation. You keep it short and respectful. You'll smile and say goodnight, and wait for me to safely get into my apartment and lock the door. You say you want to know that I'm safe. You'll have an idea that I like you, but you'll be making me week at the knees.

One night, you'll say you have a surprise. You'll tell me to come to your place. I'll be nervous, not knowing what to expect. When I get there, you'll be cooking. You'll hand me a glass of a fruity red wine, because you know it's my favorite, and you'll tell me to make myself comfortable. We'll eat and talk and laugh. You'll kiss me passionately. And then it will happen. It will be perfect; it won't be rushed, and it will feel right. We'll become lost in each other; limbs entangled, souls intertwined, hearts sewn together. It'll feel like nothing we've ever experienced before. We'll live happily ever after, not because either of us is perfect, or because we won't encounter problems. It'll last because we both realize that we love each other and that what we have is something rare and worth fighting for.

I want to let you know now, that I can be difficult at times; I am hot-headed and stubborn, but in the end, my love for you will overcome everything.

I can't wait to meet you, but until then, I'll be dreaming of you.
Love,
Sam

The Ramblings of the Crazy One...

Last year, I was an insecure, emotional mess. I was miserable for most of last year, and it was mostly by my own doing. Then, the summer was like a release for me. I was free from my problems. I focused on only myself, I put my wants and needs and thoughts and hopes first before anyone else. And there was no bullshit to deal with. This summer was...MAGICAL for me. Someone recently asked me if I had ever felt like I have been revived. And that is what the summer felt like to me; I laughed so hard all summer, I spent so much time by myself and never longed to be with people; I was simply content to keep my own company.
Now, I feel myself slipping into old ways. Questioning myself and others, becoming tense and depressed. Some days, I'm peppy and happy and just excited. But most days I'm sad or angry and I don't know why. I know that there must be something that triggers these bouts of emotion, but I haven't figured it out yet. I need to figure it out. I feel like a hot mess. And because I'm depressed, I just don't care about my work. I never want to do it, and I just stare at it, knowing that if I fuck up at all this semester or next, I could fuck up my whole college career and also not graduate on time. Yet, I still can't bring myself to care all that much.

In other news, I've been superrrr freaking out about graduation. Real life is on the horizon and its exciting and terrifying at the same time. I'm excited because I want to experience it, but I'm afraid to fail, and I also will be somewhat sad to leave college.
Random note: I plan on writing a book, and everyone is telling me to do so, but I don't know when to start, or from which point in my life. And this craft class I'm taking is giving me serious doubts about my skills as a writer. I thought I was good, but everything I write, my class tears to pieces and I'm at a loss for words. I feel like the moment I try to do something that involves a class, it starts to suck. When something doesnt have a due date on it, it's so much better. What's weird about this is is that its not as if I spend anymore time on the piece in either scenario. I can't do things in chunks of time. So if I have a short story due for class, then I start it the day or night before, and do it all in one sitting. And thats the same for choosing to write on my own. So how is it that one piece can suck simply because I write it for class, while another piece can be fantastic because I wrote on my own free will? It makes no sense to me.

Anyway...that's enough of my rambling for now...so much going on in my head.

A tired subject...

Why are there some things you just can't seem to let go? You try to put some people out of your mind, and you just can't.
I've tried everything. I've deleted him. I even had feelings for someone else for a while. Yet...always in teh back of my mind is him. Even when I think I have rid myself of him entirely from my mind and my heart...there he is. How is this possible?!?!
I have done what I'm supposed to. I've done it all. Where is my peace? I want it. I'm tired of this nonsense. I was fucking fine until he came in my life. Sure, I wanted someone to love and someone to love me, but that was it. There was no tortured bullshit, nothing creeping up on me when I least expected it. And here I am, post-him, and frickin "impossible" by shontelle comes on as I log on to photobucket...which is the only place that I have pictures of me and him, and also the only place i have all of my pics from high school. I meant to take a trip down memory lane, but not him, of high school. This happens all at once and I'm in tears after a year and a half. What is wrongggg with meeee?!?! I can't do this forever. I don't know what else there is for me to do. I clearly cannot have him and have known this for a very long time, and I've done everything I can to be over him, and yet a picture of us and one song leaves me in tears? This isn't fair.

Back again

Wow...it has been such a long time since I've written. So much stuff in such a short amount of time. Life has been hard. I'm trying to get my life together, but it's hard, and it's draining. Its a lot of work! And mom stuff, friend stuff, guy stuff...just stuff all around. I'm exhausted. I'm sick of the bull shit. I'm dying from the work i need to put in. I'm stressed about the things I can't control and sad about the things I can. I'm confused as hell. Basically Im a mess. I think its time to go to therapy.

Next Tattoo

I'm sooooo freakin excited for my next tattoo!!! It's definitely going to be painful, but if it comes out the way I want it to, it's going to be sick! AHHH!!! I'm just nervous that they'll fuck it up, or that it won't look good. Meh.
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.deviantart.com/download/74658151/Phoenix_Reborn_by_Iron_Phoenix.jpg&imgrefurl=http://iron-phoenix.deviantart.com/art/Phoenix-Reborn-74658151&h=1223&w=1000&sz=533&tbnid=h6SkYyelBbwA3M:&tbnh=248&tbnw=203&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dphoenix%2Breborn&usg=__irHoNN1sXYPeX0_1TElKq53QDm8=&sa=X&ei=t75iTK2fFsOclgfpmvirCg&ved=0CBYQ9QEwAA

Clarity

I'm too impulsive. I act without thinking and go purely on feeling. This is a great and a horrible thing. This is how I get myself into situations where I am speeding toward disaster. It's like I see the train wreck up ahead, I know that I can't change anything that's happened, but I continue to drive full speed at it. What is wrong with me that I can't just leave a situation alone? My emotions would be far more balanced if I could just do that. But no, I have to be the asshole that becomes interested in someone when they're all wrapped up in someone else. And really...does anyone grasp the concept that they shouldn't gas me up when I'm feelin them? Mehhh. The thing that kills me is that I can't fully remember our conversations, and I can't fully remember what the person said. Do you like me or are you just attracted to me? Why did I even start that conversation? Why did I need to know? I'm thinking I'd like to be blissfully ignorant. Smh...I'm so confused. I just want a definite answer. Some clarity. I just wanted you to tell me if I should give up now or if there's hope for me.

Hmm

I recently encountered a situation where one person was in love with someone, while that person was still hung up on someone else. It made me realize we all weave tangled webs. I've been in that situation. I've been the person in love, and I've been the person who was caught between 2 people. And I've been in a situation where I like someone who likes me but is in love with someone else and the person they're in love with is in love with them but is also in love with someone else. It always makes me think how people get to that point where they're basically in a love...square?
Feelings are just uncontrollable, intense little bastards. You don't see them coming, you have little to no control over them, you're kind of stuck on a roller coaster ride.
I wish there was a legitimate field that required you to study emotions and feelings. I would have that as my job for the rest of my life. Scientists can explain it in scientific terms, and to them, that's what it means. In my opinion, when you have to explain feelings and emotions in that manner, it's because you're utterly confused by them and want to make some kind of sense out of them. Anything in this world that scares us, we explain away until it's a little less scary.

Don't be afraid

The last line of my horoscope today was "don't be afraid of wanting more." The entire horoscope was geared toward financial security, which, if you know me at all, you know is one of my biggest concerns in life. I've spent my entire life barely scraping by, or unable to get by. And my primary goal for my future is to be well enough off that I don't have to wonder how I'll pay the rent or how I'll buy groceries. My ideal life would include owning my own home, a car, and having enough money to travel when I want to. So basically what you would call the American Dream.
I, by no means, want to be rich. I find it pointless. You buy crap you don't need or want, you squander money, you have to wonder who is in your life because they love you and who is there to get a hand out. I think that people should only be wealthy if they have truly earned it. So when/if I have kids, there will be no handing them whatever they want. They will earn everything they get. In my ideal world...I will have become successful and well-off, and essentially "pulled myself up by my boot straps" and I want my children to know the value of money and of hard work.
Also...I feel that the last line in my horoscope applies to more than financial issues. The horoscopes I get every day touch me in some way because they touch upon some aspect of my life that is relevant at that time. I am always scared to want more. I'm always scared that I'll want something, commit to trying to get it, and fail. I'm scared that someone will tell me I don't deserve more. But, like I said earlier, this summer has shown me that I deserve whatever the hell it is I want in life. I deserve whatever I want. Well maybe deserve isn't the right word, deserve implies you've earned it. And while I do think that the things I have suffered through thus far in my life entitles me to some things, I know I still have to work for what I want.
-I want to graduate on time with a good gpa
-I want to get into a good grad school
-I want a good job
-I want a peaceful and successful Senior year
-I want to love and be loved by someone
-I want to leave the past in the past and stop looking back
-I want an apartment when I graduate.
-I want confidence in spades
-I want to find my worth in myself and not in others
-I want to not get caught up in other people's drama/problems/bullshit
-I WANT HAPPINESS!!!

Summerrr

The summer has flown by. It seemed as though I blinked and then it was over. This summer has been one of the most demanding, most rewarding, most peaceful summers of my life. It was actually every thing I hoped it would be, and it even exceeded my expectations.
It was so peaceful here on campus over the summer. At first, the silence freaked me out, but now I love it. At no other time could it be so quiet. I've paced the wall in front of lenape, listening to my ipod and dancing and singing down the wall, ive danced in the rain and sang along to the songs on my ipod on the top of my lungs, i've become more active in my daily life, I committed myself to my job and my classes and did better than I ever thought I could at both.
Of course I've had some bumps in the road including a pregnancy scare, my never ending issues with jonathan, and getting temporarily involved with a douche bag named Gary. But the thing that I've learned is that I can handle all of these things. I feel the key to me doing so well is having my own space. When I needed to do homework or a paper, I was able to turn down offers to hang out and go back to my room and do what I needed to do. Or if I was having an off day or just wanted to be alone, I could. I didn't have a roommate or people constantly in my room. I love my roomie and my friends, but I'm in serious need of my own space. It's how I balance out my emotions, my moods, just everything.
I need to do as well as I did this summer in my classes in the Fall and Spring. And I don't know how I'm going to do that with everything going on. There's always people and music and chaos, and I just can't live that life anymore. I can't smoke everyday, I can't hang out all the time, I can't stay up until all hours of the night. I just CANT. I wonder how my new way of doing things is going to clash with my old lifestyle. This should be interesting...
I'm nervous I bit off more than I can chew with my set up for the Fall. 2 jobs, 6 classes, Senior Celebration Committee, and SA Programming board...meh...it's gonna be death.

Questions...

I sometimes wonder why it is that I have such a hard time letting the past be the past. Why do I always look back? Why can't someone just leave my life and that be the end of it? Why do I always need closure? Why do these people that leave my life find it necessary to then pop in and out of it? Why do I hold on to feelings for far too long? Why do I care? Why am I so easy to let go? Why is it that when we first start out (friendship or relationship), me and that person are attached at the hip (per their doing, not mine), and then suddenly we're so far apart? What is it about me that pulls people in and then repels them?

Fixing vs. Finding

I've been thinking a lot lately. There are a few people around that I can hang out with, and I do from time to time. But for the most part, my free time is spent by myself. I've gone through phases of loving and hating being on my own in the past. I've come to the conclusion that this summer will not be what I think every summer will be like...me fixing myself. Me fixing whatever it is I don't like about myself.

I've realized, at least for the most part, who you are is probably who you've always been, and there really is no changing that. So this summer will not be about fixing or changing myself, it will be about accepting myself, and loving myself. I am definitely guilty of not doing much of either. And it's true what they say...how can anyone else love you if you don't love yourself?

I can always find, at any given moment, 10 things I hate about myself. But its impossible for me to come up with 10 things I love. Until now, I've been decently happy, but I want to be really happy. I am very guilty in trying to find my self worth in others; I've needed their validation to feel good about myself. What kind of life is that? What does it matter what other people think? I've been terrified to be anything resembling cocky or even confident because it is one of my biggest fears to say something good about myself and to have someone else tell me it isn't true. This summer I'm finding my self worth on my terms, in my definition. This is my time to make peace with myself. Maybe then there won't be anything to 'fix.'

Change comes slow, but it comes all the same...

This summer is a time of change for me. It is not random, or out of the blue, it is chosen. A chosen change. At the beginning of the year, I had such high hopes for the year, I had plans. I let petty drama and unnecessary things throw me off of the road I was planning on walking down. But I think I needed that little side track...it reaffirmed the reasons why I felt the need to make changes. This summer will mark a new chapter in my life because I'm more determined than ever to achieve my goals. With that said...to bring this chapter to a close, there are some things that need to be said, and since I can't say them to the person without bringing unnecessary drama and chaos, I'll bare my soul here...
Ok, deep breath...here we go...
Dear Jonathan,
There are so many things that I wish I could say to you. I was so excited about hanging out with you this weekend, and pretty bummed when it didn't work out. Our situation has always been so complicated. I feel like we never had a fair chance to ever be together. People have always been, and continue to be skeptical of how I feel about you. It's hard to believe, but I love you. I never told you, and sometimes I wish I had. Not to try and keep you, not to change your mind, just for me. Because maybe telling you would've helped me. No one understands how hard its been. They all think I should be over it by now, and they're right, I should. I couldn't tell you why I still have feelings for you, or why I can't let it go. Let you go. It doesn't even make sense to me because you've moved on. It honestly kills me that you're in love with her. And that she's having your baby. It was such a different situation when you didn't love your ex. And there were no babies on the way. After we broke up...there was this one time I saw this little girl...she was probably 2 years old or less...and she was a mix of white and Puerto Rican. I just stared at her, she was one of the most beautiful children I had ever seen. I cried...and it freaked me out. I've alwaysss been the one to say I wouldn't have kids until my late 20s. I want to live my life before I completely settle down. But that day a thought popped into my head. One that had never been there before. I saw this girl, and imagined it being our baby girl. I could see it so perfectly, and thinking about the fact that we weren't together and the possibility of that future no longer existing, it tortured me. I always said that I would never have children young, I would never settle down young, and I would never EVER change my life for a guy. And while I was with you, I started to contemplate transferring schools to be closer to you. That was so upsetting to me because I always said I would never be that girl. I guess your determination and insistence that we would make it work made me want to ensure that it would work. I never thought about marrying you, never thought about kids with you, but when I saw this little girl...I fell to pieces. I wanted that chance so bad, and never realized it until that moment. And it kills me that that moment will be with some other woman. I don't doubt that she loves you, and that you love her. In fact, I'm sure she's a great person. But that's what kills me, I can't shit on her, I can't make myself feel better about the whole situation. You have no idea how many thoughts are about you, how many dreams are about you, how many wishes are about you. I just don't understand, and I know I never will. I don't get how one person can feel so much, and the other person can feel nothing. The amount of love and want I have for you makes me disgusted most of the time. If you only knew the amount of love I possess for you, and the lengths I would go to to be with you again...it's not fair that one person can feel so much for someone who doesn't give a shit. I felt myself spiraling out of control with you. And I couldn't stop myself. Everyone told me not to hang out with you, but I couldn't deny myself the chance either. Pam did a tarot card reading for me the other night...my question was what was my life going to be like in the next year...and you know what it said? It wasn't even about my future, it was only warning me to stay away from you. She said that it doesn't matter what my question was, it's what I was really thinking about. Even subconsciously you're in my thoughts! I can't continue to do this to myself. And when you're phone got cut off early, I took it as a sign. It was a sign that we weren't meant to hang out. Maybe someone out there knew that either it would make me feel more for you, and hurt me worse. Or they knew that you still have feelings for me and would be split between me and your girlfriend, and that would hurt me too. I guess someone is looking out for me. It hurts now. It's hurt since you broke up with me. When you left my life, I didn't understand what the point of you being there was, I didn't learn a lesson. So I guess that time was for you to learn something. But this time...talking to you, getting even more attached...I realized that this was my lesson. It's a lesson that I can no longer avoid or try to ignore. I need to stop trying to go back into my past. I have to accept that no matter how much I wish things were different, this is the way it is. We had our chance, and it didn't work, and now that time has passed. I need to learn that each experience means something, and teaches me something. I get so scared sometimes. I get scared about lots of things...like that I'll never love someone and be loved by someone with such intensity and passion as I had with you. I get scared because the guys that are interested in me are few and far between, and when they come, they're so intense at first, and then it dies out, and I'm just dumbfounded. I never understand it. I've had so many questions for a while now concerning how you feel about me, but now I understand that those questions, and your answers are irrelevant. It doesn't matter how you or I feel. We simply cannot be. And I need to accept that and stop living in a fantasy land. I thought that I could be your friend and hold back my feelings, but I can't. I can't tell you this either, because I'm too terrified to end all communication. Maybe one day I'll be strong enough to cut it off or be able to really be your friend. For now, I'm deleting your number from my phone, and I'm making a conscious effort not to think about you. I love you, but I need to love myself more. You're doing what makes you happy, and I need to do the same. All I want is happiness for you. As much as I wish I could be the reason for your happiness, I am learning to accept that that's someone else's job now. We won't talk for a while, and I hope you don't take it too offensively(assuming you notice). We will be a part of eachothers lives someday, but until then...
Love,
Sam

I wish

I wish I could take all of my emotions and make them coherent thought
I wish I could understand
I wish I could look at this with an unbiased view
I wish I could listen to people when they tell me to stop, leave it alone.
I wish I could know what the right thing to do is
Not the right thing in other people's eyes, but the right thing for me
I wish I knew how you feel
I wish I knew how this would all play out
I can't be the person to flip someone's world upside down intentionally
I can't be that selfish
I wish I knew what was going on
I wish I knew I wasn't making myself crazy for no reason
I wish I could think about anything other than this
I wish we could go back to last year
It tortures me all the time
I live life with no regrets
Yet I still have one
One single, solitary regret
Something that most people would overlook
They would say it was nothing, it was unimportant
But that one decision haunts me
Had I just brushed her off
Had I just had a little more faith
Had he not been a bumbling idiot in that moment
This last year would've been so different
It could've been better or worse, but it would've been different
I wish it were different
I wish I wasn't in an impossible situation.
I want to scream
I want to cry
I want to throw a fit
I want answers!!!
I think about you all the time
They say I shouldn't
They tell me I'm an idiot
They say it makes no sense
They say I can't
I don't want to hurt anyone, it's the last thing I want. I don't know her at all, she could be a great person. You wanted me to meet her, and I just couldn't. I couldn't bear to take the chance of seeing you happy with someone else. I'm terrified of laying it all out there. I'm terrified of owning up to these feelings. I don't want to ruin your life. I don't want to ruin hers. But if I keep going the way I'm going, I'm going to ruin mine. You asked me why I haven't cared about anything in the past year, and I lied. I couldn't tell you it was because of you. They don't believe me when I say I still love you. They think there was never enough time for us to fall in love. They think that I should've gotten over it months ago. And they're right, I should've. But the fact that I didnt...the fact that I make a conscious effort to not think about you, to stop crying...the fact that I got rid of all evidence that you were ever in my life...and yet still...today...I can still say that I'm in love with you...that means something to me. It may be false hope, it may be me reaching my peak of stupidity...but I guess I have to find out. I guess to add fuel to the fire...it seems that every time I'm not sure of what to do and people tell me not to so adamently...if I decide to take that leap, it usually turns out that it was the right decision for me. I guess I live my life in chaos, I guess my life is illogical and doesn't make sense to anyone but me until after the fact. And that's fine I guess...I can't expect people to get it. Half the time I take that leap and am so unsure of myself, btu it seems that something or someone pushes me over the edge because they know there's something or someone there to catch me.
I'm so terrified to ask the question...there's more than one question I want to ask and I just don't know how. Do you ever think about me? Do you ever miss me? HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ME?! There are more, but clearly we all get the point.

I'm a big believer that nothing is coinsidence...things happen for a reason. There's a reason I called you the other night when I was at 2 parties. Yes, obviously I was drunk and wanted to talk. But I haven't even made the attempt of calling you since we started talking again, we only talk through text. And yet, I had the balls to call. And making this call...it just so happened that I called you on a night that your girlfriend wasn't home. We talked for an hour and a half...about what? I dont even remember. We texted until 4 am AFTER our excessively long phone conversation. And the next day we texted for two hours! Why? What does this mean? Does it mean anything? Or am I reaching? It would be easier to hide, to pretend I didn't feel what I feel. But....I've never been one to take the easy road. I know I'll have something all prepared to say in my head before hand..and I follow the speech mostly, but I know I'll be nervous as hell, and my heart will be beating a mile a minute, and I'll probably be shaking. Why do I know this? Because I've made one of these speeches to you about my feelings for you last year. And that's what's so upsetting. At least in that situation, things were a lot less complicated than they are now. Even my mother said "He still is attracted to you and probably still has feelings for you, btu do I think he's going to leave his pregnant girlfriend for you? No." and it's the friggin truth. I know this situation will end in us not being together. Whether that's you not having feelings for me, or you admitting you do, but me choosing to not act on them. But I know the end result. But this is something I just have to do.

Lately, I've felt off. I've been trying to figure out why, and I guess it could be any number of reasons. But it could be this...
Tomorrow will be a year. In the past year, things have drastically changed, and stayed the same. A year ago my world flipped upside down and inside out. It seems that its a constant theme in my life that when something good happens, something worse immediately follows. While it was a slow process letting everything go, I did...for the most part. I never could think of a year from that day. At first, it was just getting through a few hours at a time, then it was a few days. For months, it was like I knew I had the ability to run, but I was stuck at a crawl. Time crawled by, my life crawled by.
I've heard that doing e more than 3 times will completely change your perception of life, it changes how you deal with things, it changes everything. And that coupled with my depression made me just not give a fuck. I still find myself struggling to care, but I know I've changed all at the same time. I was asked why I stopped caring, and I couldn't even answer the question. I could've, but I wouldn't. I'll think the thought, but verbalizing it...it gives the thought too much power, and once you say it...you can't take it back.
In the past year I've lost and found myself. I lost the person I was...I'm not as open, I'm not as emotional. I find it impossible to feel anything for anyone in a romantic sense, the feelings just won't come. I've found a new me. Someone who is learning to be comfortable in her own skin, someone who can take pride in herself, someone who is less afraid. While I miss the girl I used to be, because she was never afraid to wear her heart on her sleeve, I embrace the new me because she is more at peace with herself and isn't constantly anticipating what will come next.
Maybe in the next year I'll find a way to unite the two, and become someone in the middle. I was fearless with my heart, but afraid of everything else. Now, I'm becoming fearless with everything else, and...if i were to be completely honest...I don't feel anything anymore, its as if my heart iced over. The only emotion I can seem the muster (with the exception of drunken emotion) is anger or frustration. I get into situation that I know I would normally care about, and I just don't, I feel nothing.
Saying that this was because of him gives him and what we had too much power. But at the same time...I stopped caring about everything when he left. He asked me the other day why I don't care about my grades...of course I wouldn't tell him.
A friend told me not that long ago that he didn't think that I actually loved Jonathan. And I guess I can understand why he would say that. And I've thought about that statement and the idea of love in general from time to time. I've come to the conclusion that just like everything else, love is relative. It's never the same experience for everyone. And I don't think even the same person can love each person the same. I loved my first boyfriend, and I loved Jonathan, and those loves were completely different.
Looking back, it's obvious that our love story was a short story, but it was a love story all the same. He was definitely one of those people that was in my life for only a season. It sparked, it grew into a big and bright flame, and then it died out. But nonetheless, during the time we had together...I can't honestly say that I could think of a time in my life when I was happier. And when it was over...well...to sum it up, I felt like dying everyday for months. I sometimes wonder if fate is real...and if it is...what did fate have planned for me and him? Was it exactly what happened? Was it something different? Would we have lasted if it had been under different circumstances or at a different time? I know I'll never get the answers to these questions, and that's ok with me, but it does run through my mind every now and again.
I found out that his new girlfriend is pregnant. When I found out, it felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I got the wind knocked out of me. Now lets not get crazy cuz I definitely am not saying that I wanted to be pregnant with his child, but for some reason it shocked me and I guess kind of hurt me for a quick second. But I think about it...and had we stayed together, I wouldn't be who I am now. And I don't know if i'd like the person I would've become. Had we stayed together...I could've seen that relationship going for years. I'm 21, and while there's nothing saying you can't, I don't think you should be settled down at 21. I have life to live, and god knows if I'd been with him all this time, I would've gotten pregnant, and my life would've been completely different.
So yeah...I walked away from the blog before I was done and clearly I lost my train of thought, so I'm done.

you know...

you know the saying don't bite the hand that feeds you?

you leaned on me
everyone does
I've come to accept this
Enjoy it
you put all your weight on me
I bore both of our burdens
I never questioned it
It was simply what needed to be done
Because I cared
because of the love I had for you
but you began to push
to pull
to rock our foundation
unable to take the brunt of your force
I let go
i let it all go
i watched you fall
your accusatory eyes pierced my skin
you were hurt
i was free
i love you but when it comes down to it
i choose me

Lately I've realized that I invest too much in friendships that I really care about. To me, if you really care about someone or something, you should give your all for it. It seems like a logical thing to do. Two people who connect on a deeper level, people who enjoy each other's company and are in constant communication. Two people who put their energy into a friendship and watch it blossom. Seems like it makes sense. But I've always been the one to wear my heart on my sleeve, so I guess it's just me. I actually take everything to heart if you mean something to me. I thought I wanted someone in my life that I could be completely honest with, that i could tell anything to. In theory, it's wonderful. But I'm not built for it. I've realized, I'll probably always be at least slightly guarded with any and everyone. I can't tell someone everything, I feel too vulnerable. I feel like if someone I told everything to, if they ever screwed me over, which is more often than not the case, I'd have no cards to play, cuz i already laid everything out on the table. I just can't do that. People think that I'm more open than I actually am. I am open to most people, but only slightly. Maybe i give off the impression, maybe people dont know me as well as they think they do, or maybe people can't comprehend how open i can be and the capacity of love i posses. Whatever the case may be, people don't understand that there's a lot they don't know about me...not just stuff from my past, but things I'm capable of.
Back to my point...I know longer hold anger or resentment like I once did. I know holding that will change me, and I've worked too hard to sacrifice my progress for others. At this point, I'd rather just let it go and walk away. Everyone has a different trigger, things that are entirely unacceptable to them. And what seems to be no big deal to you could be a big deal to someone else. Looking back on the past, both recent and distant, I don't hold anger or resentment for the people that angered or hurt me. I think about them and feel nothing at all. Sometimes someone could've said something and fixed everything, but chose not to. And sometimes there was nothing that the person could've said or done to fix it. In any case...I just have to walk away. It used to be all about the other person, now...it's about me. Yes, I'll be selfish. Yes, I'll focus on myself. If I don't, it's not like there's anyone else around that would do it for me.

They say people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Logically, I know this is true...but sometimes it's hard to accept. When those people that are only meant to be in your life for a season leave...it's hard to understand what the point of them being there at all was...especially when they meant a lot to me.
Always moving, never stopping, constantly changing. That's my life. As much as it really fucks with me when something dramatic happens, I know I'll get over it. I fall apart at first, and it hurts like nobody's business, but in the end...people are right...I have the strength of a warrior. But while I do have this strength, I'm still an emotional person. So the fact that some people find it so easy to cut me out of their life...especially when I cared about them a lot...it's upsetting. I don't know...I guess I should be used to it now, because as much as most people claim to love and care about me, at the end of the day 95% of the people that have been in my life have screwed me over.
So many come, but so few don't leave...sometimes I wonder if it's me. Is it really possible that I attact all the douche bags? Or is it me? Is there something about me that makes people want to screw me over and run in the opposite direction? I don't like thinking about it...but that seems like a big possibility.

I close my eyes
I sew my mouth shut
I won't cry or scream
I just watch the blood drip down after I cut
Drip drip drip
I can't do anything right
Drip drip drip
I'm too tired to fight
Drip drip drip
I slowly feel the pain
Drip drip drip
Away...

I breathe sin and live in darkness
My eyes spit fire
And my lips are slicked with desire
My words roll off my tongue
In a way that dares you
To turn the truth on yourseld
To find out what I'm about

My curves go against society's vision
But they captivate you
You're shameless in your attempts
Your intensity makes me blush
Your eyes spit fire
My intensity matches your own
We stare each other down
Taking in the entire view
Stellar bodies combust
Our normal insecurities fall away
We get lost in the lust we possess
I bask in the glow of your adoration
I am home
I am free

I recently had a conversation with someone I used to have a crazy crush on. And the person definitely knew about. I asked how they knew about the crush and they told me it was just a feeling and also that I "cared a lot". While I know I'm not the most slick person, I didn't think I was so obvious. As a rule in my life, I never tip my hand before the other person tips theirs. While I apparently am extremely obvious, I'm completely oblivious to people liking me. I assume people don't, so they literally have to tell me that they like me or want to hook up or whatnot. Or I've had it happen where the person had to be so obvious that even a blind person could see it. I can call everything that's going to happen in someone else's love life, but in my own, I'm blind.
Over break, my roomie had commented on the fact that I'm intense when talking to someone new because I throw questions at them right off the bat. I see this as being blunt, because I really am incapable of easing my way into something, I actually find it to be a waste of time. There's something I want to know or say, so I'm just going to ask you, or spit out whatever it is I have to say.

On an entirely different subject...
I was having a conversation with some friends concerning the fact that I plan on hooking up with an ex who has a girlfriend. While cheating isn't something I condone, it's also something that happens every day. I'm too loyal, so I would never cheat on someone I was with. But I'm not with anyone, and I don't owe anyone anything. So if someone I want to get with, and have wanted to get with for years wants to get with me and that person just so happens to be in a relationship...that's not my problem. That's basically what it comes down to. Is he a douche for cheating? Yes. Even though he probably thinks he has a valid reason for cheating, he has no ground to stand on. There's never a reasonable excuse for cheating. Had I wanted to date him, this would be a problem, seeing as how I have no desire to be in a relationship or engage in any romantic entanglements, I'm going to enjoy myself, and he can deal with that mess.

No Fear

I have an issue with being fearful of just about everything. My lack of confidence motivates my fear for sure. I never want to take a chance and look stupid, I'd rather just not try. But lately when I think of doing something new and my brain automatically goes to "you can't do that" I now question why can't I? I'm no longer scared of looking stupid...so what? Why do I care what people think? Over break, I conquered my fear of roller coasters lol. I have to take baby steps to get where I want to be and that was my first step. Of course there are bigger fears that I have that I have yet to deal with, but hopefully one day...
I've come to the conclusion that all fears can be broken down into a manageable size. Why are you scared of it? What will happen if you try whatever you're scared of? Will you die? No? Ok then let's go.

For so long I have been consciously trying to fix myself. I've been broken for so long that I really forgot how it was to just be happy versus faking it. Going to Florida really changed me. I guess I just felt free to be however I wanted to be. There wasn't drama or judgement or stress. I got to be happy and relaxed and free. It was much needed healing time for my relationship with myself and my relationship with someone else.
I felt different when I came back, but it was made more clear to me when the people closest to me said that I looked different, I looked good, that was I was happy and bubbly and SMILING. I feel different about myself and my life too. I like myself now...actually, fuck that, I LOVE myself now! I'm an awesome person, and I enjoy my own company. The only thing I wish is that I could let my guard down all the way and just be me 100% around people. Most people dont get to see it, but I'm random and crazy and I make random sounds and faces and I dance/twirl around my house. I randomly get dressed up, do my hair and put on make up just because I can. And I'm talking prom dress status lol. I get bored and cook random shit...I love to mix things that sound like they shouldnt go together just to see if it'll taste good. I randomly go through everything I own and organize and throw out crap I don't need. I don't like to have a lot of stuff. I like to keep the things I own to a minimum...I don't really know why...I have my guesses, but who really knows. When I'm angry, I like to clean, it gets out my frustration. I have the best and worst memory...I can't remember a lot, but if I do remember it, I'll remember every detail. And if I remember something, it means it had some kind of effect on me.
Yeah I just got totally distracted, but the bottom line would be that I'm feelin myself =]

I've been going to a lot of people for advice. And either people don't know what to say or they tell me "Don't do it" "You shouldn't" "You can't"
And that's all well and good. But recently I was talking to a friend and she said "Listen, I can tell you what I think, and so can everyone else, but at the end of the day, you're going to do whatever the hell you want." Which is very true, but it doesn't mean I don't want people's opinions. I feel as if people think I know exactly what I'm doing, but the trust is....I HAVE NO CLUE WTF IM DOING!!!
I don't know where this is headed (if anywhere). I don't know if its the beginning or the end. I have no clue. No idea.
But honestly...I've been severely depressed for 9 months. I'm on academic probation, I never want to go to class or do work, I want to be by myself all the time, I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to do anything. And on top of all of that, I was cutting myself for months. All of this is very unlike me. Like I said in a previous blog, I hate the person I've become. And the past few days I've been good. I'm happy and bubbly and energetic, and just....idk more like the girl i used to be and love. So no, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing or where its going, but I feel like I can breathe again, adn no amount of preaching from anyone is going to stop me from following the light when I've been stuck in the dark for so long.

We all say we want to stop, and we all mean it when we say it, but when it comes down to actually slowing down or stopping...no one really does it. In the past year of smoking on a daily basis, we have had 8 people in our crew that smoke on the daily, and only one person out of eight was able to put down the blunt and actually walk away.
Because it's only bud, people brush off the fact that we smoke daily because they attribute it to a college thing or just a phase they're going through, no one understands that this shit is addicting. The bud itself may not be addictive, but the feeling of being high is addicting. I've had conversations with several people over the past few days and everyone is saying the same thing...we need to stop smoking all the time. But no one has made the first step.
The truth is...it's a big part of our group. No one wants to admit it, but it is. What do we always do? Smoke. If we're sober and trying to think of something to do, the first thing suggested is to smoke. In a group so big, there will always be one person having a bad day, and we use this (among others) as a justification to smoke. I do it too, if I'm having a bad day, I always turn to the blunt. Can we try dealing with our issues sober? I don't know about you, but that's what I plan to do. It's a crutch that I do not need.

How

I used to be so different. I used to feel good about myself on a fairly regular basis.
I used to be loud and outgoing and sarcastic and just so unafraid of the world. I've done a complete 180 and I don't know how or when or why that happened, and I don't know how to get back to it. But I hate the person I am now. This person is shy and quiet and always in her head and never wanting to be around people. This girl is terrified of the world, and she's so insecure it's disgusting. I hate this girl. And I have to see her every day in the mirror and think her thoughts and feel her feelings. I don't want to be this girl anymore, someone else can have this job. But how do I go back? How do I become the girl I love again? How???

I convinced myself I needed you
I convinced myself I needed anyone
But the truth is
I'm best on my own
No stress, no pressure, no one's judgment or expectations
By myself
I can be me
I can be free
I wish I could be that person around people
It's the only time I'm truly happy

Heartbreak and sadness
are trappings
of a life I live
but not the one I was meant for.

I know I was meant for something different
Always conscious of what's different about me
Being insecure of those differences
Just because society says be ashamed

My hopes, my fears
My insecurities
Only further make me who I am
Yet I'm ashamed of all of it

A person terrified
Of who they are
Doesn't live
The simply survive, one day at a time
I don't want to just survive anymore
I want to live
I want to be free

A lot of people don't want to hear the truth about themselves, and I can understand that, which is why I refrain myself with the people that don't want to hear about themselves. But I'm not one of those people, I don't want anything other than honesty. Sure, the truth might hurt or make me angry, but I'd rather that than being lied to. With that being said, it baffles me that people want to lie to me, or avoid the truth. If you're honest, I can't really be that mad. I hold grudges with liars. It's just so disrespectful. I don't know, I don't get it.

I am quite possibly starting to lose my mind. My thoughts just circle around the same damn thing...this friggin idiot. Everyone keeps telling me no, don't. And maybe they're right...they probably are. But I just can't help myself. I don't know how I'm going to go about this, but I need to do it. It's not just a want...it's a need. I've been doing nothing but thinking lately and I realized that that's a huge part of the reason I was depressed last semester, and why I'm fighting it this semester. So I need to do this to get my head together. No one understands it, and I guess I understand why they don't, but it's something I need to do. And I just wish that at least one person would stop telling me not to do this and actually try to help figure out what to say.
fuckfuckfuckfuckshitfuckfuckmotherfuckershitshitfuck
yup...that's how I feel.

It was once a beautiful work of art
Everything flowed
The color, composition, the movement
Everything perfectly in sync
Then a tear here, a chip there
A loss of color somewhere
A flawed beauty now tattered and frayed
A multitude of damage
Perfection decayed

No one wants to be lost, they never want to admit that they haven't figured out who they are. And more times than not, they haven't figured it out yet. I'm so close I can taste it. It's just on the other side of a door I only have partial access to. It comes and goes. When I have a firm grasp on it, I can let all the bullshit, pettiness, and drama roll off my back. But when it's slipped away from me is when the walls close in. The world is a little less colorful, a little less loud.
I've built a life I can barely comprehend. It's full of useless bullshit and energy wasted on the unimportant. We all bitch and bicker and laugh and cry and get angry so fast I think I have whiplash. I'm tired of the drama and the shit. Who does any of this benefit? What good do the arguments do? What do you accomplish with the deceit? Why do we do this shit to ourselves and others? It makes no fucking sense. This one doesn't like that one. This one is jealous of that one. What the fuck are we doing?
People always tell me that I hold my tongue too much, that I don't say enough or stick up for myself. They see me getting beat down, and it angers them because I won't say a word. I'm a silent sufferer by choice. It's not that I enjoy having to keep my mouth shut, and it's definitely not that I don't have shit to say. At the end of the day...no matter how well you think you know me, I've managed to keep everyone at arms length. I am a person filled with rage. A seething hate. It is incomprehensible even to me. I am more sadistic than anyone could really imagine. The things my mind comes up with scares me sometimes. I've managed not to control my temper, but to bury it. And me giving myself permission to really tell people what I think of them would be me digging up my temper. I am silent because I want to protect those around me, whether they deserve it or not. They say words don't hurt, but I would choose my words carefully, choosing the right combination to metaphorically stab a knife into the person's heart and dig, twisting it around until the pain was unbearable. So yes, I will continue to be silent, because I don't ever want to be the person I know I could be.

Some stuff I found in one of my notebooks..

It sucks up all of my time
It consumes every thought
It has a hand in every action
It is the force behind every movement
It's what propels me to keep going
It changes the mind set
Nothing else is important
It suffocates and satisfies
It is hate my heart if full of
I let you see who I was
Who I'd love to be
But I haven't been her in a long time
Which is why I keep people at a distance from me

You put me down
You think I don't know
You think I don't see
But I guess that's the point
You underestimate me
I wish you'd understand
I'm never going to be the villain you wish I would be
Maybe then you'd stop trying
And wasting useless energy
I don't know what I did
Or why you have to act this way
But I'm not going anywhere
Not today, tomorrow, or the next day
And having you in my life
Isn't worth the price I have to pay
I'm done holding my tongue
Now there are some things I have to say...

Outside influences fuck with my head
They say you can't, they say you're not good enough
They match the voices in my head
Words I've long been trying to erase
I fight to prove something
To no one
Because no one looks in this direction
You look at me
And see someone who isn't me
You don't see someone so scared
To just be who she is
I've been taught to hide
To be ashamed
Of who I am
Long ago told that no one would ever love me
Or care
One sentence stuck on repeat for the past 6 years
You thought I forgot, but how could I?
My soul is wounded
You love me and I wish I could return it
But I'll never put myself in that position
To be so badly hurt
Not ever again
I want to shine, I want to be the person I know I am
But I just can't
So I'll keep hiding behind this stranger you think I am.

This complacency silences the world. It numbs feeling and puts a stop to original thought. It is the death of creativity. The invisible walls in which she was confined start to crack, the mime will lash out and shout from the rooftops.

My creativity has been drained by the life I am leading. First pull...my reflexes slow. Second pull...my senses dull, Third pull...my energy evaporates. Fourth pull...my ability of thought and speech cease to work. While you are my beautiful friend...I am overindulgent when it comes to you. You swirl around in my lungs, course through my body, and I once was filled by wonder and excitement by you, I am now filled with complacency. I feel as if a part of my soul was lost along the way. The fire that made me who I am slowly burned out. Can I get that fire back? I miss it dearly. It was extinguished by my own negative thoughts and the negative words/actions of others. People, as well as myself, have contributed to my belief that I should be one who stands on the sidelines. My mind, my heart, my soul, my very being is screaming out to be noticed. I won't take what's not mine, but it's my time to shine. I'm not meant to be background noise, I'm meant to be center stage.

I want to dance and skip and twirl around. I want to engage in intelligent and fulfilling conversation. I want to play fight and have water fights, I want to run around the quad, or lay down and stare up at the stars. I want to feel every emotion my mind permits. I want to experience the highs and lows of life. I want to stop hiding and face my fears. I want to be free.

I just feel off lately. I don't really know what to do with myself anymore. I feel stuck in a rut. I don't want to be here, but there's no where else to be. I understand WHY I'm at college, and I'll follow it through especially since I've made it this far, but this place is fucking with my head. This lifestyle I've gotten into isn't fun anymore. It's the same shit all the time. It's the same people all the fucking time. How many nights can I really be happy with smoking and chilling with the same people? I love them to death, but I want some variety, I'm stagnant and it's really actually starting to affect me.
I feel like I'm in a box, and I'd love nothing more than to break out of it. I just don't know how or what to do with myself after I'm out of said box. Bottom line: I feel dumb when I smoke, it's gotten to the point where I can't even write anymore and it depresses me. I feel like I'm suffocating.

PS: I'm Still Not Over You

Whats up?
I know we haven't spoken for a while
But I was thinkin bout you
And it kinda made me smile
So many things to say
I had to put em in a letter
Thought it might be easier
The words might come out better
How's your mother, how's your little brother?
Does he still look just like you?
So many things I wanna know the answers to
Wish I could press rewind
And rewrite every line
To the story of me and you

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried
To get you out my mind
But it don't get no better
As each day goes by
And I'm lost and confused
I've got nothin to lose
Hope to hear from you soon
P.S. I'm still not over you
Still not over you

Excuse me, I really didn't mean to ramble on
But there's a lot of feelings that remain since you've been gone
I guess you thought that I would put it all behind me
But it seems there's always somethin right there to remind me
Like a silly joke, or somethin on the t.v.
Boy it aint easy
When I hear our song
I get that same old feeling
Wish I could press rewind
Turn back the hands of time
And I shouldn't be telling you

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried
To get you out my mind
But it don't get no better
As each day goes by
And I'm lost and confused
I've got nothin to lose
Hope to hear from you soon
P.S. I'm still not over you
Still not over you

Did you know I kept all of your pictures
Don't have the strength to part with them yet
Oh no....
Tried to erase the way your kisses taste
But some things a girl can never forget

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried
To get you out my mind
But it don't get no better
As each day goes by
And I'm lost and confused
I've got nothin to lose
Hope to hear from you soon
P.S. I'm still not over you
Still not over you

I've come to the realization that I either care about things too much or not at all. My mood concerning this sways like the wind. One day I'll care, the next day I really don't. For example... some days, I HATE that I'm on opposite schedules from everyone because they all get to hang out together, while I'm stuck in class or doing homework. And other days, I'm like YES! Alone time!
I suppose that my problem is that everyone assumes I don't listen to or notice everything that goes on around me, but I do. So on the days that I care, I'll see or hear or be told something that makes me feel some type of way. On the days that I don't care, I need to be by myself to basically let go/dump out all of the crap that has accumulated in my mind. Because I realize it's just all unnecessary bullshit, is it going to matter in a month or a year or a few years from now? If the answer is no, then it shouldn't concern me.
Everyone comes to me with their problems, which to me, is a beautiful thing. I love being trusted by someone enough to hear their problems, but I guess I give off the vibe that not only can you talk to me, but you can lean heavy on me for everything. And its one thing to be a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to, but its something entirely different to be so involved in your problems that I'm doing the work FOR you. I get too emotionally invested in other people's problems, because I want to help them so much that I end up stressing myself out, so I'm trying to step away from that. But in all of this happening, I get to push my problems aside, which I love and hate. I love it because it's easier to deal with other people's problems as opposed to dealing with my own, but I hate it because I know that's probably not the healthiest thing in the world for me. But as a result of this, I stopped talking to other people about problems and whatnot that I have...which is honestly a lot healthier for me. I love to get everyone's opinion, and everyone should NOT be privy to my problems. Plus everyone has a different opinion which does not help, and what I'm realizing is how I think about things and how i deal with things is a lot different than most people, so their advice doesn't help much.

Ok to summarize...I enjoy my time with friends, but I'm LOVING my alone time. If for no other reason, I know I'm growing because I love myself a whole more these days, and I enjoy my own company. =] yay go me

Quote

I found this quote that I'm in love with...
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

A Letter

Dear Boy,
I don't know who you are or what you look like, but I know you're out there. If nothing else, I have faith in that. I know that when I meet you, I'll know you're someone special. I'm sure we'll have our problems, and our fights, but I know that we'll work it out in the end. Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. I have my flaws, and so do you, but we will love each other despite those flaws. I can't promise that I'll trust you at first, or open up to you, but please keep trying. Because I've been waiting for a love so strong that it over comes everything. I promise to always try. I hope that you'll come into my life soon, because I'm so tired of these people that I like, but it ends up going no where. I want to be in love, to be so in love that I lose myself in you. To love more passionately, more intensely than you ever thought possible.
Love,
Me

Hi World...I'm sober

I find the fact that I don't remember the last weekend I had that was substance free to be really pathetically sad. When your life starts to revolve around drugs/alcohol, when you're bored and getting high is the 1st thing you think to do, when getting high/drunk becomes routine, you know its time to hit the breaks.
What kind of life is that?! It makes no fucking sense. Like its just really pathetic. That's when you know it's time to reevaluate your life. And I guess some people just never see beyond the drugs or the alcohol. It consumes their life. If their content with their lives being about that, then ok, I mean I guess. But that's not me, it never will be.
Now here's the problem...while I have recently crossed over to the 24/7 sober camp, a bunch of my friends are still in the let's get fucked up at every available time camp. I can't judge, because I've been there. But a friend stopped doing the shit that we do a few months ago, and she felt as if there was no room for her in our lives. I didn't understand that because I love her and whatever her decision, I still wanted her to be part of my life. But I understand how she felt. I don't question that my friends love me and don't want to lose me, but it's like...if you're always getting fucked up, and that's no longer what I'm doing...when is it that we're going to hang out? And if most of your time is spent like that...then that means the time I spend with you is going to be cut way back.
I don't know...I guess we'll see how it goes.

Yeah, I don't know...

The two things that never fail me is music and writing. Lately, I've just been stuck. I can't write, and when I do, I'm not satisfied with it. I have so much in me that I want to say. I want to be able to express every single emotion I feel in a way that will impact someone's life, make them see the world through my eyes, or even bring them to tears because they realize things they never have before. I want so badly to write it all down, I feel like it would relieve some of the weight on my chest.

I can't shake the feeling that the person that people see me as is not who I believe I am. I don't really know how people see me, but I have so much in me that I wish could shine through. These days I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I'm so tired of being overlooked. No matter what people say, a first glance at someone determines something. I just want to run around screaming. Normally, I don't mind being in the background, letting other people shine, but I want my time to shine!! I want people to notice me! I want to stop wanting people I can't have. I want to be happy with myself, I want to succeed!!! I want to stop being so insecure. I want to say I'm going to do something and actually stick to it! I WANT TO BE HAPPY!!!!!!! I wanna say fuck every bitch that ever made me feel like I was less than I am. I don't want to keep my feelings and my thoughts to myself, I want a drama free existence. I want to stop feeling like I care about/put in more effort than most of my friends. I want to stop living in the past. I want to stop feeling like if I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, most of the people in my life wouldnt be there for me. I want to stop feeling awkward. I want to stop hating my life and myself. I want to stop feeling like I'm a passing phase in someone's life.
People meet me, get close to me, and then find one of my friends that they become closer to and I'm just standing there like what the fuck. I want to get what I want from time to time. I don't want to have to fight and scratch and crawl and climb to get every single thing in my life.

Life likes to throw punches, and then kick me when I'm down. I've taken my hits, I've paid my dues, but it still doesn't seem to be enough. Usually, I'm fall apart immediately. I'm done doing that(or at least I shall try). I'm gonna be here til the world crumbles around me. Some people are meant to be tested, tried, and to suffer. It's not fair, but it's what it is. And if I'm meant to be one of those people...well that sucks, but I'm not gonna take it laying down. I'm gonna fight unhappiness til the day I die, because I want/need/know I deserve better than that.

Opening up

For months, I have been seriously depressed. I don't know that anyone knew unless I told them, but I was. It got so bad at one point that I was cutting myself. That's not ok, and I really have no idea how I got to that point.
Like I said earlier, I am trying to gain more confidence in myself, but sometimes, it fails me and I am still the same insecure person I've always been. I'm trying my best, but I have my days.
During this depression, I closed myself off to emotion. The only emotions that I would feel were sadness or anger. My life has always been a lot to handle, so the way I deal with things is to have an initial reaction, and then to shove it to the back of my mind. It was always my first instict, probably a self preservation thing. Now that I am trying to change, I'm trying to let myself FEEL things. And it's kind of scary. I'm happy, and I'm sad. Because I've held so much in, my emotions come in tidal waves, its like a roller coaster ride that I would very much like to get off of. I'm gonna stick out as best I can, gotta make it through the storm before you can get to the sunshine.

One Big Tangent

My new year's resolutions are(in no particular order)...
To have a better relationship with my mom
Take better care of myself physically, mentally, and emotionally
Not being so negative
Let go of the past
Love myself more (seems like an odd one I know, but like I said before...I tend to only see the bad things about myself)
Do better in school

I don't know if that's all of them, but those are the ones I could think of now.
Now let's see if I can make that happen. People like to think that wishing or praying for something means that some higher being or some power in the world will make it happen. I generally don't like to touch on religion for a few reasons...1. because religion is a very sensitive area for a lot of people and 2. because I'm not really sure what I believe. I'm still looking for a religion I can be comfortable with. A lot of religions promote ideals and beliefs that I don't necessarily agree with, so it's hard. But the religion I have been most comfortable with is Wicca. My mom practices Wicca, so I've been around that for most of my life. People are usually put off by it because they associate Wicca with spells and incantations and unnatural things. BUT if you think about it...it's pretty similar to Christianity. Christians believe that there is one God, while Wiccans believe there are multiple Gods and Goddesses. When a Christian prays for something, they are asking for God's help. When a Wiccan does a spell, that's their form of prayer. They are calling to a God or Goddess to help them with something.
Yeah yeah I go off on tangents, but the point is...I don't know Christianity at all, and i won't pretend to, so I don't know if someone that follows Christianity believes that if you pray to God for something, He will make it happen for them, or if God will assist them in what they are asking for. Wiccans believe that they are asking a God or Goddess for help, as well as sending out energy into the world to make what they want happen. However, Wiccans do understand that they can't just do a spell and expect the results to just happen. And there is the fact of when you do a spell, whatever energy you put out in the world will come back to you three-fold. For example...if you ask for money, you may get it. But somewhere down the line you will lose 3 times as much. In Wicca, there is no room to be selfish. Instead of asking for money, one would ask to have the opportunity to MAKE that money or borrow it from somewhere.
Yeah...this blog was all over the place lol.

Writing and Sunrises

Writing is a big part of who I am. Lately, I've not been inspired to write. A good portion of this year, I spent seriously depressed. I won't go into detail about that, because that's an entirely different topic which deserves its own blog. Writing (for the most part) helps me when I'm upset. I'm not the type of writer who sits down and is already planning in their head what they're going to write. Most times, I just sit down and let my mind blank out. I don't control what I write, it's a mystery to me. I just write and then tweak stuff. I guess that's part of why I procrastinate. I'm never the person to go over their stuff. I believe that what I write is what I meant to write on some level, so it shouldn't be drastically changed. with that....this is just something I wrote... I stayed up all night (its currently 7:40AM). I spent the night enthralled in a book. And I watched the sunrise. It's my favorite time of day because its beautiful and peaceful and underrated. Everyone lovvessss the sunset, I say sunrise is better. It's just as beautiful, and it signifies the start to a new day, which means new possibilities.
One of the few good things my mother did was when I was pretty young, some nights me and my mom would stay up late and fall asleep on the couches we had. On those nights, she would always get me up early and we would walk down to the river front and sit and watch the sun rise. Those were one of the few times that were peaceful for us. And when I was older, I would stay up all night and go down to that same spot and watch the sun rise alone. it was my solace for a very long time. Watching the sun rise is cathartic for me. It helps me think and clear my head.
I wasn't thinking about much of anything when I wrote this, it's just what came out...


This is all I can tell you
My break in life is overdue
This life of chaos I outgrew
One fact that I hold true
Is chaos is not something you can subdue

But that's not the issue
The choices you make, you can't undo
And I'm not the girl you once knew
I haven't been since I had a preview
Of a peaceful life, with faith renew
I'm on a journey I will pursue
A life without the lies people spew
A life people wouldn't consider taboo
A life where people aren't trying to outdo
Me and the things I try to do

This is all I can tell you
I just want a life I can value
I just want to experience something new.

Sick

I woke up super sick today. But that also brings me to one of my resolutions for this year; I NEED to take better care of myself. When someone else is sick, I try to take care of them and get them better. But when I'm sick, I kind of only half try to get myself better cuz I don't care that much, my mentality is that it'll eventually go away. But taking care of myself doesn't only pertain to when I'm sick, I need to start taking care of myself in general. No more being up half the night when I have class in the morning, no more getting high all day, every day. I'm going to start working out again, because it makes me feel good about myself, and for my health, I should lose some weight.
I've realized that I need to set realistic goals for myself. I start out really hyped over something and then when I don't live up to the goals I set for myself, I feel bad or disappointed in myself. And I don't want that anymore. I'm slowly realizing that I need to treat myself better, and stop judging myself so harshly. Judgment in moderation is something that I think every one needs. You need to be a little critical of yourself sometimes. But I do it too much, and I end up making myself feel like shit.
I'm slowly learning that I'm me, and that's all I can be, and I need to be happy with that person. And if I'm not, then it's on me to change something about myself. 2010 is definitely a time for change.

Back Again

It's been a very long time since I've posted anything on here. Taking advice from a friend, I am going to start blogging again.
For me, 2010 represents new possibilities, realizations, truth, and letting go.
So, in that spirit...
To most people who pass me by on the street, I'm just some fat chick with a pretty face. You never really stop to think that there's actually a person with feelings, emotions, problems, friends, and family walking past you. Some people don't have the decency to keep their comments to themselves. People make jokes at another person's expense.
What these people passing me by on the street don't know is that they could never judge me more than I judge myself. I would love to say that their words don't affect me, but they expect that their words are some kind of eye opener to me, when really they are only confirming fears I had about myself. Fears that have been companions of mine since a very early age.
People's comments became my fear. I had enough to deal with without having to hear what complete strangers thought of me.
I don't know how it happened, but recently I've been gaining more confidence. This is/has been my biggest issue; I've never had an ounce of confidence in myself. Instead of seeing anything positive about the way I looked, I only saw all the negatives. That lack of self confidence seeped into the way in which I viewed the person that I was/am. It made it impossible for me to be confident in any way, shape, or form.
I'm slowly starting to change that for myself. And as crazy as it seems, it's scary. I've always known self-doubt. I've always thought the worst of myself and when someone saw something in me that they liked, it was a welcome surprise. and to be honest, I'm terrified of thinking highly of myself to then be told that I'm not as pretty, as funny, as smart, or as good as I might think I am. It takes so much for me to say anything positive about myself. I gotta try to work on it though...
Sorry this one was so long, but we had some catching up to do. And it's also the 1st of the year, gotta start off strong.