A love letter to a future lover

Someone was reading me an assignment for their class, and it inspired me to mimic the assignment...
Dear future lover,
I've been impatient waiting for you to come along. I was searching for you for a while, but stopped because I knew it was useless. I know that you're out there, and that you will come in time. I know you'll show up at the right time. Maybe you'll come when everything is peaceful in my life, or maybe you'll be a knight in shining armor of sorts. You'll come at a hectic time in my life. You'll realize the situation and be there for me. We'll meet in a coffee shop. We'll make polite conversation about our mutual addiction to coffee, and the prices for lattes. When our time is up, you'll ask for my number. I'll be a bit skeptical, but I'll give it to you anyway.

You'll surprise me when I hear from you later that day; you don't believe in waiting x amount of days until you contact the woman. We'll text and chat on the phone, getting to know each other. You'll be cute with your messages, and know how much is enough communication. You'll be sarcastic at times, and you'll enjoy my sarcasm.

You'll ask me to meet you for coffee, and I will accept the invitation. Our conversations will be intelligent and deep, because you appreciate that I enjoy intellectual conversations, and you enjoy hearing my opinions on things. I will become more comfortable with you, and inform you that I am untrusting of people, and that I bring some baggage to the table. You'll smile and welcome the challenge of getting me to open up. You'll charm me with you persistence and your personality, and I will open up to you quicker than expected.

We'll go on dates, and walks through a local park or something outdoors, because we both have an appreciation for nature. At the end of each date, you'll walk me to my door. We'll pause, prolonging the conversation, because we both do not want to leave each other. Then, when the conversation is over, you lean in, and we kiss. Our first kiss will be magical. It will be full of curiosity, wonder, and anticipation. You keep it short and respectful. You'll smile and say goodnight, and wait for me to safely get into my apartment and lock the door. You say you want to know that I'm safe. You'll have an idea that I like you, but you'll be making me week at the knees.

One night, you'll say you have a surprise. You'll tell me to come to your place. I'll be nervous, not knowing what to expect. When I get there, you'll be cooking. You'll hand me a glass of a fruity red wine, because you know it's my favorite, and you'll tell me to make myself comfortable. We'll eat and talk and laugh. You'll kiss me passionately. And then it will happen. It will be perfect; it won't be rushed, and it will feel right. We'll become lost in each other; limbs entangled, souls intertwined, hearts sewn together. It'll feel like nothing we've ever experienced before. We'll live happily ever after, not because either of us is perfect, or because we won't encounter problems. It'll last because we both realize that we love each other and that what we have is something rare and worth fighting for.

I want to let you know now, that I can be difficult at times; I am hot-headed and stubborn, but in the end, my love for you will overcome everything.

I can't wait to meet you, but until then, I'll be dreaming of you.
Love,
Sam

The Ramblings of the Crazy One...

Last year, I was an insecure, emotional mess. I was miserable for most of last year, and it was mostly by my own doing. Then, the summer was like a release for me. I was free from my problems. I focused on only myself, I put my wants and needs and thoughts and hopes first before anyone else. And there was no bullshit to deal with. This summer was...MAGICAL for me. Someone recently asked me if I had ever felt like I have been revived. And that is what the summer felt like to me; I laughed so hard all summer, I spent so much time by myself and never longed to be with people; I was simply content to keep my own company.
Now, I feel myself slipping into old ways. Questioning myself and others, becoming tense and depressed. Some days, I'm peppy and happy and just excited. But most days I'm sad or angry and I don't know why. I know that there must be something that triggers these bouts of emotion, but I haven't figured it out yet. I need to figure it out. I feel like a hot mess. And because I'm depressed, I just don't care about my work. I never want to do it, and I just stare at it, knowing that if I fuck up at all this semester or next, I could fuck up my whole college career and also not graduate on time. Yet, I still can't bring myself to care all that much.

In other news, I've been superrrr freaking out about graduation. Real life is on the horizon and its exciting and terrifying at the same time. I'm excited because I want to experience it, but I'm afraid to fail, and I also will be somewhat sad to leave college.
Random note: I plan on writing a book, and everyone is telling me to do so, but I don't know when to start, or from which point in my life. And this craft class I'm taking is giving me serious doubts about my skills as a writer. I thought I was good, but everything I write, my class tears to pieces and I'm at a loss for words. I feel like the moment I try to do something that involves a class, it starts to suck. When something doesnt have a due date on it, it's so much better. What's weird about this is is that its not as if I spend anymore time on the piece in either scenario. I can't do things in chunks of time. So if I have a short story due for class, then I start it the day or night before, and do it all in one sitting. And thats the same for choosing to write on my own. So how is it that one piece can suck simply because I write it for class, while another piece can be fantastic because I wrote on my own free will? It makes no sense to me.

Anyway...that's enough of my rambling for now...so much going on in my head.

A tired subject...

Why are there some things you just can't seem to let go? You try to put some people out of your mind, and you just can't.
I've tried everything. I've deleted him. I even had feelings for someone else for a while. Yet...always in teh back of my mind is him. Even when I think I have rid myself of him entirely from my mind and my heart...there he is. How is this possible?!?!
I have done what I'm supposed to. I've done it all. Where is my peace? I want it. I'm tired of this nonsense. I was fucking fine until he came in my life. Sure, I wanted someone to love and someone to love me, but that was it. There was no tortured bullshit, nothing creeping up on me when I least expected it. And here I am, post-him, and frickin "impossible" by shontelle comes on as I log on to photobucket...which is the only place that I have pictures of me and him, and also the only place i have all of my pics from high school. I meant to take a trip down memory lane, but not him, of high school. This happens all at once and I'm in tears after a year and a half. What is wrongggg with meeee?!?! I can't do this forever. I don't know what else there is for me to do. I clearly cannot have him and have known this for a very long time, and I've done everything I can to be over him, and yet a picture of us and one song leaves me in tears? This isn't fair.