Thursday, April 29, 2010

Lately, I've felt off. I've been trying to figure out why, and I guess it could be any number of reasons. But it could be this...
Tomorrow will be a year. In the past year, things have drastically changed, and stayed the same. A year ago my world flipped upside down and inside out. It seems that its a constant theme in my life that when something good happens, something worse immediately follows. While it was a slow process letting everything go, I did...for the most part. I never could think of a year from that day. At first, it was just getting through a few hours at a time, then it was a few days. For months, it was like I knew I had the ability to run, but I was stuck at a crawl. Time crawled by, my life crawled by.
I've heard that doing e more than 3 times will completely change your perception of life, it changes how you deal with things, it changes everything. And that coupled with my depression made me just not give a fuck. I still find myself struggling to care, but I know I've changed all at the same time. I was asked why I stopped caring, and I couldn't even answer the question. I could've, but I wouldn't. I'll think the thought, but verbalizing it...it gives the thought too much power, and once you say it...you can't take it back.
In the past year I've lost and found myself. I lost the person I was...I'm not as open, I'm not as emotional. I find it impossible to feel anything for anyone in a romantic sense, the feelings just won't come. I've found a new me. Someone who is learning to be comfortable in her own skin, someone who can take pride in herself, someone who is less afraid. While I miss the girl I used to be, because she was never afraid to wear her heart on her sleeve, I embrace the new me because she is more at peace with herself and isn't constantly anticipating what will come next.
Maybe in the next year I'll find a way to unite the two, and become someone in the middle. I was fearless with my heart, but afraid of everything else. Now, I'm becoming fearless with everything else, and...if i were to be completely honest...I don't feel anything anymore, its as if my heart iced over. The only emotion I can seem the muster (with the exception of drunken emotion) is anger or frustration. I get into situation that I know I would normally care about, and I just don't, I feel nothing.
Saying that this was because of him gives him and what we had too much power. But at the same time...I stopped caring about everything when he left. He asked me the other day why I don't care about my grades...of course I wouldn't tell him.
A friend told me not that long ago that he didn't think that I actually loved Jonathan. And I guess I can understand why he would say that. And I've thought about that statement and the idea of love in general from time to time. I've come to the conclusion that just like everything else, love is relative. It's never the same experience for everyone. And I don't think even the same person can love each person the same. I loved my first boyfriend, and I loved Jonathan, and those loves were completely different.
Looking back, it's obvious that our love story was a short story, but it was a love story all the same. He was definitely one of those people that was in my life for only a season. It sparked, it grew into a big and bright flame, and then it died out. But nonetheless, during the time we had together...I can't honestly say that I could think of a time in my life when I was happier. And when it was over...well...to sum it up, I felt like dying everyday for months. I sometimes wonder if fate is real...and if it is...what did fate have planned for me and him? Was it exactly what happened? Was it something different? Would we have lasted if it had been under different circumstances or at a different time? I know I'll never get the answers to these questions, and that's ok with me, but it does run through my mind every now and again.
I found out that his new girlfriend is pregnant. When I found out, it felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I got the wind knocked out of me. Now lets not get crazy cuz I definitely am not saying that I wanted to be pregnant with his child, but for some reason it shocked me and I guess kind of hurt me for a quick second. But I think about it...and had we stayed together, I wouldn't be who I am now. And I don't know if i'd like the person I would've become. Had we stayed together...I could've seen that relationship going for years. I'm 21, and while there's nothing saying you can't, I don't think you should be settled down at 21. I have life to live, and god knows if I'd been with him all this time, I would've gotten pregnant, and my life would've been completely different.
So yeah...I walked away from the blog before I was done and clearly I lost my train of thought, so I'm done.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

you know...

you know the saying don't bite the hand that feeds you?

you leaned on me
everyone does
I've come to accept this
Enjoy it
you put all your weight on me
I bore both of our burdens
I never questioned it
It was simply what needed to be done
Because I cared
because of the love I had for you
but you began to push
to pull
to rock our foundation
unable to take the brunt of your force
I let go
i let it all go
i watched you fall
your accusatory eyes pierced my skin
you were hurt
i was free
i love you but when it comes down to it
i choose me

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Lately I've realized that I invest too much in friendships that I really care about. To me, if you really care about someone or something, you should give your all for it. It seems like a logical thing to do. Two people who connect on a deeper level, people who enjoy each other's company and are in constant communication. Two people who put their energy into a friendship and watch it blossom. Seems like it makes sense. But I've always been the one to wear my heart on my sleeve, so I guess it's just me. I actually take everything to heart if you mean something to me. I thought I wanted someone in my life that I could be completely honest with, that i could tell anything to. In theory, it's wonderful. But I'm not built for it. I've realized, I'll probably always be at least slightly guarded with any and everyone. I can't tell someone everything, I feel too vulnerable. I feel like if someone I told everything to, if they ever screwed me over, which is more often than not the case, I'd have no cards to play, cuz i already laid everything out on the table. I just can't do that. People think that I'm more open than I actually am. I am open to most people, but only slightly. Maybe i give off the impression, maybe people dont know me as well as they think they do, or maybe people can't comprehend how open i can be and the capacity of love i posses. Whatever the case may be, people don't understand that there's a lot they don't know about me...not just stuff from my past, but things I'm capable of.
Back to my point...I know longer hold anger or resentment like I once did. I know holding that will change me, and I've worked too hard to sacrifice my progress for others. At this point, I'd rather just let it go and walk away. Everyone has a different trigger, things that are entirely unacceptable to them. And what seems to be no big deal to you could be a big deal to someone else. Looking back on the past, both recent and distant, I don't hold anger or resentment for the people that angered or hurt me. I think about them and feel nothing at all. Sometimes someone could've said something and fixed everything, but chose not to. And sometimes there was nothing that the person could've said or done to fix it. In any case...I just have to walk away. It used to be all about the other person, now...it's about me. Yes, I'll be selfish. Yes, I'll focus on myself. If I don't, it's not like there's anyone else around that would do it for me.

Friday, April 9, 2010

They say people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Logically, I know this is true...but sometimes it's hard to accept. When those people that are only meant to be in your life for a season leave...it's hard to understand what the point of them being there at all was...especially when they meant a lot to me.
Always moving, never stopping, constantly changing. That's my life. As much as it really fucks with me when something dramatic happens, I know I'll get over it. I fall apart at first, and it hurts like nobody's business, but in the end...people are right...I have the strength of a warrior. But while I do have this strength, I'm still an emotional person. So the fact that some people find it so easy to cut me out of their life...especially when I cared about them a lot...it's upsetting. I don't know...I guess I should be used to it now, because as much as most people claim to love and care about me, at the end of the day 95% of the people that have been in my life have screwed me over.
So many come, but so few don't leave...sometimes I wonder if it's me. Is it really possible that I attact all the douche bags? Or is it me? Is there something about me that makes people want to screw me over and run in the opposite direction? I don't like thinking about it...but that seems like a big possibility.

Friday, April 2, 2010

I close my eyes
I sew my mouth shut
I won't cry or scream
I just watch the blood drip down after I cut
Drip drip drip
I can't do anything right
Drip drip drip
I'm too tired to fight
Drip drip drip
I slowly feel the pain
Drip drip drip
Away...
I breathe sin and live in darkness
My eyes spit fire
And my lips are slicked with desire
My words roll off my tongue
In a way that dares you
To turn the truth on yourseld
To find out what I'm about

My curves go against society's vision
But they captivate you
You're shameless in your attempts
Your intensity makes me blush
Your eyes spit fire
My intensity matches your own
We stare each other down
Taking in the entire view
Stellar bodies combust
Our normal insecurities fall away
We get lost in the lust we possess
I bask in the glow of your adoration
I am home
I am free