Questions...

I sometimes wonder why it is that I have such a hard time letting the past be the past. Why do I always look back? Why can't someone just leave my life and that be the end of it? Why do I always need closure? Why do these people that leave my life find it necessary to then pop in and out of it? Why do I hold on to feelings for far too long? Why do I care? Why am I so easy to let go? Why is it that when we first start out (friendship or relationship), me and that person are attached at the hip (per their doing, not mine), and then suddenly we're so far apart? What is it about me that pulls people in and then repels them?

Fixing vs. Finding

I've been thinking a lot lately. There are a few people around that I can hang out with, and I do from time to time. But for the most part, my free time is spent by myself. I've gone through phases of loving and hating being on my own in the past. I've come to the conclusion that this summer will not be what I think every summer will be like...me fixing myself. Me fixing whatever it is I don't like about myself.

I've realized, at least for the most part, who you are is probably who you've always been, and there really is no changing that. So this summer will not be about fixing or changing myself, it will be about accepting myself, and loving myself. I am definitely guilty of not doing much of either. And it's true what they say...how can anyone else love you if you don't love yourself?

I can always find, at any given moment, 10 things I hate about myself. But its impossible for me to come up with 10 things I love. Until now, I've been decently happy, but I want to be really happy. I am very guilty in trying to find my self worth in others; I've needed their validation to feel good about myself. What kind of life is that? What does it matter what other people think? I've been terrified to be anything resembling cocky or even confident because it is one of my biggest fears to say something good about myself and to have someone else tell me it isn't true. This summer I'm finding my self worth on my terms, in my definition. This is my time to make peace with myself. Maybe then there won't be anything to 'fix.'