Change comes slow, but it comes all the same...

This summer is a time of change for me. It is not random, or out of the blue, it is chosen. A chosen change. At the beginning of the year, I had such high hopes for the year, I had plans. I let petty drama and unnecessary things throw me off of the road I was planning on walking down. But I think I needed that little side track...it reaffirmed the reasons why I felt the need to make changes. This summer will mark a new chapter in my life because I'm more determined than ever to achieve my goals. With that said...to bring this chapter to a close, there are some things that need to be said, and since I can't say them to the person without bringing unnecessary drama and chaos, I'll bare my soul here...
Ok, deep breath...here we go...
Dear Jonathan,
There are so many things that I wish I could say to you. I was so excited about hanging out with you this weekend, and pretty bummed when it didn't work out. Our situation has always been so complicated. I feel like we never had a fair chance to ever be together. People have always been, and continue to be skeptical of how I feel about you. It's hard to believe, but I love you. I never told you, and sometimes I wish I had. Not to try and keep you, not to change your mind, just for me. Because maybe telling you would've helped me. No one understands how hard its been. They all think I should be over it by now, and they're right, I should. I couldn't tell you why I still have feelings for you, or why I can't let it go. Let you go. It doesn't even make sense to me because you've moved on. It honestly kills me that you're in love with her. And that she's having your baby. It was such a different situation when you didn't love your ex. And there were no babies on the way. After we broke up...there was this one time I saw this little girl...she was probably 2 years old or less...and she was a mix of white and Puerto Rican. I just stared at her, she was one of the most beautiful children I had ever seen. I cried...and it freaked me out. I've alwaysss been the one to say I wouldn't have kids until my late 20s. I want to live my life before I completely settle down. But that day a thought popped into my head. One that had never been there before. I saw this girl, and imagined it being our baby girl. I could see it so perfectly, and thinking about the fact that we weren't together and the possibility of that future no longer existing, it tortured me. I always said that I would never have children young, I would never settle down young, and I would never EVER change my life for a guy. And while I was with you, I started to contemplate transferring schools to be closer to you. That was so upsetting to me because I always said I would never be that girl. I guess your determination and insistence that we would make it work made me want to ensure that it would work. I never thought about marrying you, never thought about kids with you, but when I saw this little girl...I fell to pieces. I wanted that chance so bad, and never realized it until that moment. And it kills me that that moment will be with some other woman. I don't doubt that she loves you, and that you love her. In fact, I'm sure she's a great person. But that's what kills me, I can't shit on her, I can't make myself feel better about the whole situation. You have no idea how many thoughts are about you, how many dreams are about you, how many wishes are about you. I just don't understand, and I know I never will. I don't get how one person can feel so much, and the other person can feel nothing. The amount of love and want I have for you makes me disgusted most of the time. If you only knew the amount of love I possess for you, and the lengths I would go to to be with you again...it's not fair that one person can feel so much for someone who doesn't give a shit. I felt myself spiraling out of control with you. And I couldn't stop myself. Everyone told me not to hang out with you, but I couldn't deny myself the chance either. Pam did a tarot card reading for me the other night...my question was what was my life going to be like in the next year...and you know what it said? It wasn't even about my future, it was only warning me to stay away from you. She said that it doesn't matter what my question was, it's what I was really thinking about. Even subconsciously you're in my thoughts! I can't continue to do this to myself. And when you're phone got cut off early, I took it as a sign. It was a sign that we weren't meant to hang out. Maybe someone out there knew that either it would make me feel more for you, and hurt me worse. Or they knew that you still have feelings for me and would be split between me and your girlfriend, and that would hurt me too. I guess someone is looking out for me. It hurts now. It's hurt since you broke up with me. When you left my life, I didn't understand what the point of you being there was, I didn't learn a lesson. So I guess that time was for you to learn something. But this time...talking to you, getting even more attached...I realized that this was my lesson. It's a lesson that I can no longer avoid or try to ignore. I need to stop trying to go back into my past. I have to accept that no matter how much I wish things were different, this is the way it is. We had our chance, and it didn't work, and now that time has passed. I need to learn that each experience means something, and teaches me something. I get so scared sometimes. I get scared about lots of things...like that I'll never love someone and be loved by someone with such intensity and passion as I had with you. I get scared because the guys that are interested in me are few and far between, and when they come, they're so intense at first, and then it dies out, and I'm just dumbfounded. I never understand it. I've had so many questions for a while now concerning how you feel about me, but now I understand that those questions, and your answers are irrelevant. It doesn't matter how you or I feel. We simply cannot be. And I need to accept that and stop living in a fantasy land. I thought that I could be your friend and hold back my feelings, but I can't. I can't tell you this either, because I'm too terrified to end all communication. Maybe one day I'll be strong enough to cut it off or be able to really be your friend. For now, I'm deleting your number from my phone, and I'm making a conscious effort not to think about you. I love you, but I need to love myself more. You're doing what makes you happy, and I need to do the same. All I want is happiness for you. As much as I wish I could be the reason for your happiness, I am learning to accept that that's someone else's job now. We won't talk for a while, and I hope you don't take it too offensively(assuming you notice). We will be a part of eachothers lives someday, but until then...
Love,
Sam

I wish

I wish I could take all of my emotions and make them coherent thought
I wish I could understand
I wish I could look at this with an unbiased view
I wish I could listen to people when they tell me to stop, leave it alone.
I wish I could know what the right thing to do is
Not the right thing in other people's eyes, but the right thing for me
I wish I knew how you feel
I wish I knew how this would all play out
I can't be the person to flip someone's world upside down intentionally
I can't be that selfish
I wish I knew what was going on
I wish I knew I wasn't making myself crazy for no reason
I wish I could think about anything other than this
I wish we could go back to last year
It tortures me all the time
I live life with no regrets
Yet I still have one
One single, solitary regret
Something that most people would overlook
They would say it was nothing, it was unimportant
But that one decision haunts me
Had I just brushed her off
Had I just had a little more faith
Had he not been a bumbling idiot in that moment
This last year would've been so different
It could've been better or worse, but it would've been different
I wish it were different
I wish I wasn't in an impossible situation.
I want to scream
I want to cry
I want to throw a fit
I want answers!!!
I think about you all the time
They say I shouldn't
They tell me I'm an idiot
They say it makes no sense
They say I can't
I don't want to hurt anyone, it's the last thing I want. I don't know her at all, she could be a great person. You wanted me to meet her, and I just couldn't. I couldn't bear to take the chance of seeing you happy with someone else. I'm terrified of laying it all out there. I'm terrified of owning up to these feelings. I don't want to ruin your life. I don't want to ruin hers. But if I keep going the way I'm going, I'm going to ruin mine. You asked me why I haven't cared about anything in the past year, and I lied. I couldn't tell you it was because of you. They don't believe me when I say I still love you. They think there was never enough time for us to fall in love. They think that I should've gotten over it months ago. And they're right, I should've. But the fact that I didnt...the fact that I make a conscious effort to not think about you, to stop crying...the fact that I got rid of all evidence that you were ever in my life...and yet still...today...I can still say that I'm in love with you...that means something to me. It may be false hope, it may be me reaching my peak of stupidity...but I guess I have to find out. I guess to add fuel to the fire...it seems that every time I'm not sure of what to do and people tell me not to so adamently...if I decide to take that leap, it usually turns out that it was the right decision for me. I guess I live my life in chaos, I guess my life is illogical and doesn't make sense to anyone but me until after the fact. And that's fine I guess...I can't expect people to get it. Half the time I take that leap and am so unsure of myself, btu it seems that something or someone pushes me over the edge because they know there's something or someone there to catch me.
I'm so terrified to ask the question...there's more than one question I want to ask and I just don't know how. Do you ever think about me? Do you ever miss me? HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ME?! There are more, but clearly we all get the point.

I'm a big believer that nothing is coinsidence...things happen for a reason. There's a reason I called you the other night when I was at 2 parties. Yes, obviously I was drunk and wanted to talk. But I haven't even made the attempt of calling you since we started talking again, we only talk through text. And yet, I had the balls to call. And making this call...it just so happened that I called you on a night that your girlfriend wasn't home. We talked for an hour and a half...about what? I dont even remember. We texted until 4 am AFTER our excessively long phone conversation. And the next day we texted for two hours! Why? What does this mean? Does it mean anything? Or am I reaching? It would be easier to hide, to pretend I didn't feel what I feel. But....I've never been one to take the easy road. I know I'll have something all prepared to say in my head before hand..and I follow the speech mostly, but I know I'll be nervous as hell, and my heart will be beating a mile a minute, and I'll probably be shaking. Why do I know this? Because I've made one of these speeches to you about my feelings for you last year. And that's what's so upsetting. At least in that situation, things were a lot less complicated than they are now. Even my mother said "He still is attracted to you and probably still has feelings for you, btu do I think he's going to leave his pregnant girlfriend for you? No." and it's the friggin truth. I know this situation will end in us not being together. Whether that's you not having feelings for me, or you admitting you do, but me choosing to not act on them. But I know the end result. But this is something I just have to do.