No one wants to be lost, they never want to admit that they haven't figured out who they are. And more times than not, they haven't figured it out yet. I'm so close I can taste it. It's just on the other side of a door I only have partial access to. It comes and goes. When I have a firm grasp on it, I can let all the bullshit, pettiness, and drama roll off my back. But when it's slipped away from me is when the walls close in. The world is a little less colorful, a little less loud.
I've built a life I can barely comprehend. It's full of useless bullshit and energy wasted on the unimportant. We all bitch and bicker and laugh and cry and get angry so fast I think I have whiplash. I'm tired of the drama and the shit. Who does any of this benefit? What good do the arguments do? What do you accomplish with the deceit? Why do we do this shit to ourselves and others? It makes no fucking sense. This one doesn't like that one. This one is jealous of that one. What the fuck are we doing?
People always tell me that I hold my tongue too much, that I don't say enough or stick up for myself. They see me getting beat down, and it angers them because I won't say a word. I'm a silent sufferer by choice. It's not that I enjoy having to keep my mouth shut, and it's definitely not that I don't have shit to say. At the end of the day...no matter how well you think you know me, I've managed to keep everyone at arms length. I am a person filled with rage. A seething hate. It is incomprehensible even to me. I am more sadistic than anyone could really imagine. The things my mind comes up with scares me sometimes. I've managed not to control my temper, but to bury it. And me giving myself permission to really tell people what I think of them would be me digging up my temper. I am silent because I want to protect those around me, whether they deserve it or not. They say words don't hurt, but I would choose my words carefully, choosing the right combination to metaphorically stab a knife into the person's heart and dig, twisting it around until the pain was unbearable. So yes, I will continue to be silent, because I don't ever want to be the person I know I could be.