For the child...

For every child who cries at night
Alone with shame and pain and fright

For every child who wants so much
To only feel a gentle touch

For the beaten child, who cries in pain
Whose tears run silent, like the rain

For the child used to satisfy lust
Who never learns to love or trust

For the child taken from her home
And made to feel so all alone

For the child whose home is just a shell
Where life becomes a living hell

For the child who smiles but cannot feel
Because of scars too deep to heal

For every child who yearns for love
I hope and pray to God above
To hear your cries and heal your pain
And give you back your life again

I found this online last night and teared up when I read it. I am someone who was physically and mentally abused from as long as I can remember until the age of 19 by my mother. I can't say I've ever researched child abuse or have come into contact with anyone who went through a similar situation. While it doesn't rule my life, I can't say that it hasn't affected me. But it doesn't consume me. Finding this poem was like validating everything I have gone through and my feelings, which is something I didn't know I needed, but definitely did. It's as if the poet was telling me "you aren't alone, and your feelings were/are valid." I value this poem more than I can say...it has truly touched my soul.

post-it notes and such...

I took this pic today and thought it was hilarious. It's interesting that people never stop to wonder who can hear what they are saying as they talk to a friend outside, or talk to someone on the phone. I like to observe people, and I've found over the years that if you just sit in one place for a while, people genuinely do not care if you're there and hear their whole conversation. I do it myself, especially if I'm upset. It's interesting though...you go to great lengths to keep certain information away from certain people, yet you don't care if a perfect stranger hears it. The ironies in life.

Updates

Hello all,
it's been a very taxing couple of weeks. For the most part, I try to keep my blog on a level in which everyone can relate to, but...as in most parts of my life, I do too much for others when I should be doing things for myself. So on that note, let's get a little more personal.
Two things I can swear are attracted to me: adulterous men and suicidal friends.
Today, and for the past week, the ladder is what has been bothering me the most.

In high school, I had a lot of friends with eating disorders, drug problems, depression, and friends who liked to cut. My freshmen year in college, I had a best friend who was suicidal. I spent most of my first year trying to convince him that he didn't want to die, and after that, I would get angry with him, telling him that killing yourself is the most selfish thing you could do, and I stand by that opinion. I spent my nights crying with him or to him, he would give me the pills he was planning to take and the cycle continued. After an overdose, he finally got the help he needed and he has been ok since then.
Now, 3 years later, I'm faced with a similar situation. A friend attempted to kill herself in my room when I went to get dinner. When I came back, there were University Police officers in my room. She was taken to the psychiatric ward of a hospital...or as I like to refer to it, the crazy house lol. It's upsetting to known that someone wants to kill themselves, especially when its someone you love, but I'm so angry with her. The only thing I can think is.. how dare you. How dare you try to kill yourself, how dare you do that in my room, and HOW DARE YOU give up. No one said life was going to be easy, its actually unbearable sometimes, but that doesn't mean you get to cop out. She's fine now, but I still hold so much emotion surrounding this situation. I suppose this was my swift kick in the ass to find a therapist...I've been meaning to, but haven't.
Then, because of that, my friend's ex stirred up some trouble for all of us and I spent a majority of the week daydreaming about beating the living hell out of her. But I'd like to graduate so on that note, I have and will continue to try to refrain.
I guess because of all of this as well as some other bullshit, I've been finding myself depressed lately. This is not a new feeling, I know it well in fact. But its been a while since I felt like this. It's been almost a year actually. I'm on a mission to figure out why, because this needs to get resolved ASAP.

For a very very long time, I figured that being depressed was how I'd always be. Growing up, 95% of the time I was depressed, that was the only long lasting emotion, happiness was there, but it was fleeting. I always found happiness in being with someone, but clearly that wasn't the right type of happiness. Then, one day something magical(or at least to me) happened, I was happy. And it came only from me, not from anyone else. Self-generated happiness. I was able to just enjoy life and things didnt seem as difficult. Now, I find myself slipping back into old ways of thinking and I can't seem to figure out why. All I know is that I've felt depression, and I've felt happiness, and I want to be happy.

Yeah...that was long.

A note for those who read my blog: I clearly write about whatever I want, but if you'd like to ask me a question or for advice or you want to hear my opinion on something, just comment on this entry & let me know.

I don't really know why, maybe

Thoughts, Questions & Randomness

We constantly talk about changing ourselves, tweaking ourselves, or "fixing" things about us. But it seems that we never stop to think that maybe these flaws are simply in our nature; maybe it's who we are. I've been struggling with finding the line of making healthy changes without changing who I am. I'm an emotional, passionate, driven, stubborn, somewhat insecure person. I have things I'd like to change, but who's to say that's not who and how I'm supposed to be. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't want to tweak and change things to subconsciously fit into the mold of how people are supposed to act.


On a random note...
I'm absolutely obsessed with "Patience" by Nas & Damian Marley
Especially...

Huh, we born not knowing, are we born knowing all?
We growing wiser, are we just growing tall?
Can you read thoughts? can you read palms?
Huh, can you predict the future? can you see storms, coming?

Can you read signs? can you read stars?
Can you make peace? can you fight war?
Can you milk cows, even though you drive cars? huh
Can you survive, Against All Odds, Now?

In a world full of 52 fakers

*The entire song is awesome, but these are the lyrics that really stick with me*

2 faces

I understand that many relationships start through friendship. But my question is...why is it that some people make a relationship out of a friendship and others get stuck in a friend zone where they cannot see the other person as anything more than a friend? Why does this happen? How can it be avoided?
I like someone a lot...and there has been a lot of drama surrounding this person. We had shown interest in each other for like half a second and it got buried underneath all the bullshit. Now, things have calmed down and we're friends. However, I have stronger feelings than just friendship, but I don't want to rush it. I want to give the person their time to be settled, I want to have the patience to wait for the right time, but then I'm also afraid of getting stuck in that friend zone, if I'm not already there. Now, most people would say to just admit my feelings and see where things are, but I am crazy afraid of being vulnerable and rejected, and also I'm afraid of rushing it, especially when we agreed months ago to just see where it goes, or if anything happens. But this was before a lot of drama, so who knows if this person still is interested in me.
This sucks up a whole hell of a lot of time, more than I care to admit. This person is special to me, and most definitely one of a kind. However, I mask all of this and pretend that this person is only a friend. Clearly I'm all mixed up with this one. I'm clear-headed and driven when it comes to other aspects of my life, but my love life is one big confusing mess to me.

To be continued I suppose...

The tide is turning

I've found myself wondering for a few days now...how much of yourself do you give to other people? What's too much? What's not enough? I've always been a woman of extremes. So I could go from loving someone to finding them to be repellent if I feel that I have put too much of myself in another with no validation. I am also a woman who needs verbal validation from friends and lovers alike. I sometimes wonder how much time I've fretted over things I did not want to happen but inevitably would, and over analyzed minute details of events. I get caught up on things that don't matter even when I am aware that in the grand scheme of the world, or even just my life, these things are irrelevant. Slowly, I am realizing that wasting time on these things is not ok. I don't want to wake up somewhere down the line realizing I spent so much time and energy on nothing.
I vow to stop letting my life revolve around others, and to start taking better care of myself in all aspects. I feel as if I've had a revelation that cannot be put into words.

The next goal

Like I said before, I'm used to putting out fires. Last semester, I was on academic probation and I told myself that I would get serious and get good grades. I ended up with a 3.2 gpa for the semester, taking me off of probation. This semester, it being my final semester before I graduate, my next goal is a personal one. As I said before, I've been missing the girl I used to be for a while now. I want to figure out what happened to her, and what caused this change. The biggest difference between the girl I used to be and the girl I am now is that the old girl loved everything about herself. She was fearless. While I love my personality and the person I am, I've been feeling unhappy and ashamed of my body. It makes me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Having a discussion about this with a friend, I realized that it affects every part of my life. So my mission now is to love my body. After I can start to appreciate it, I can move forward in a positive manner. For the next four months, I dedicate myself to working on myself and just having fun. Because of my unhappiness, I've been searching for validation in other people, and subsequently chasing them. When I should be the one being chased. I'm keepin everything fun, fresh, and funky. I will spend this time having fun, and continuing my collection of priceless college memories.