If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? If you fake is so well that no one can tell the difference, does it matter if you can't feel it?

Lately, I've been feeling so lost. I don't feel that I have any more direction or purpose, but the reasons behind my melancholy have become clear. I recently got a metaphoric slap in the face by the most unlikeliest of places. So I plan on making some changes, or at least traveling down the road of less negativity and more positivity. Let's see where this goes...

I graduated in May, and came back down state to live with my brother. Last month, I got a job. And this all sounds great, but lately, I've been finding that each day, I get a little more sad. I guess when I was hurtling toward graduation, and starting my life, I never really realized what I was going to be leaving behind. Where I went to college was home to me; it was the most stable place I've been probably since I was 10. And a lot of my friends are still up there. I didn't really stay in touch with anyone from high school, and the friends that graduated with me are scattered throughout the state. I just feel so sad. My friends are my family and they're not around, and coming home feels more like moving away from home.

I find myself emotional and depressed, and I keep trying to think of a way to fix this, and I really just don't know. If I moved back upstate, it wouldn't be the same, and my friends there will be graduating soon enough. I made a friend here, and she's nice, but she doesn't fill the void I feel. I wish I knew what to do.

The Differences

In every aspect of our lives, we are taught that everyone is different. We learn about it in school, hear it from our parents and relatives, and see it for ourselves in every day life. Everyone makes different choices, wears different clothes, listens to different music, has different opinions, sees the world differently, etc. A person's views, personality, and looks set them apart from others. But something that I have come to realize quite recently is that our fears also set us apart from others.

Fear is one of the biggest motivations for anyone. Whether it is steering you away or to something, it is steering you nonetheless. And the really unique thing about fear is that sometimes you can't quite pin point what you're afraid of; sometimes it's just a feeling you get.

I'll tell you all a story if you have the patience to sit and read what I know will turn out to be an excessively long blog, although, I doubt anyone will be reading this but me since I've noticed that my longer blogs get no attention from my followers.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who was truly fearless; she would explore by herself or with her peers, she would climb trees and hills and to the tops of roofs by the time she was 7. She wore whatever she wanted, sang on the top of her lungs, danced whenever and where ever she wanted, and didn't regard the opinions of others when she chose to do something. She was also fearless in love; if she had a crush on a boy, she made it known.
15 years later: that fearless child grew into a fearful adult. She was sassy and sarcastic, as well as open. She was kind, never without a smile, and always willing to help others. Some called her fearless in her attempts at love. She still wore what she wanted, and explored, but she wasn't fearless anymore. Those 15 years, and the events that occurred within them, changed her. People gravitated toward her; she held a presence that couldn't readily be explained. She had a good life despite all of the horrid events she was forced to endure, and people admired her more for it. One day, she found herself lost in her own life. She understood the order of things, and what was expected of her, and where her life was supposed to lead, but she felt uneasy. There was something unsettling about her life that she could never put her finger on. She realized that everything in her life, everyone in her life, had changed her. Some for the good, but mostly for the bad. She was the same kind-hearted person she always was and would continue to be, but she was nowhere near the fearless girl she had once been. She felt as if there was something missing or something wrong, and this had been in the back of her mind for years, and then she realized, what was missing was the girl she used to be; the one without so many fears. The ironic part about it was that the people in her life saw her as fearless and confident, while she saw herself as a fearful woman with no confidence to speak of. She thought to herself how cliche it seemed that she felt so alone and so wrong, so out of place when she was with people who thought she fit perfectly.

We all have our fears, and to an extent, they define us. I have gone out of my way to face my "trivial" fears like heights and roller coasters. The fears I have yet to face are the hard ones. A fear of being left behind like a discarded toy a child is done playing with and has no use for. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. These are the things I don't even know how to begin to face.

The funniest part about my fears is that they're not anything I haven't faced before, but knowing the pain that is involved, and the heart break, that's what I am truly terrified of.

thoughts of the day...

Every second, there's a new weight on my chest
A mind full of doubt, a heart full of scars.
Watching you so intently
Waiting for you to screw up
Do you feel the intensity of my gaze?
Does your skin start to burn under this microscope?
A weight when you do good
A weight when you do bad
Always something weighing on this mind.

What to do with a heart that refuses
To love or be loved,
And a soul that wants
To love and be loved.

Even still...

In a world full of possibility, I see you.
In the face of the impossible, I see you.
you, you, you, always you.
Do we love each other?
Or are we addicted to the chaos?
The heart that loved you so intently,
beats indifferently when you're near.
Even after all of this time, I see you.
Even after all of this time, you see me.
What does this mean?
Are we meant to be?
Is that what I want?
You are not my dream, or my wish,
yet I can't tear myself away from you...
After all of this time...

I want to write, but am blocked as far as what to write about...suggestions?

The things that hurt the most...

The thing that I have come to realize is that it is easier to be angry than it is to feel hurt. I keep the rage going because I know as I soon as I let go of this fiery anger, I'll be stuck with an unbearable amount of sadness and hurt.

Why is it that friends let you down and hurt you the most?

I have come to the conclusion that friendships are all well and good when you're getting to know someone and doing the fun stuff, but what really matters is being there when things are ugly or unpleasant that really matters. If you don't show up for the important stuff, then what's the point of the friendship?

I am angry and sad, but I can't rationalize my increasing feeling of betrayal...