Dark & Gloomy

I think my biggest fear is having the people I love truly hurt me. It's why I don't trust a lot of people. It seems to be a common theme to have a dysfunctional relationship with your mom, but even knowing that others have issues with their mothers as well doesn't stop me from feeling angry, sad, and profoundly hurt by it. Your mom is supposed to listen to your problems, soothe your fears, and encourage you. The only thing my mother has done is listen to my problems, use my problems as well as my fears against me, and beat me down mentally, emotionally, and physically. When the person that gave you life tells you that you are nothing, that no one will ever love you because you aren't worthy of it, that you're stupid and ugly, and that you were a mistake and she never should have had you, and she wishes you would die...it kind of deters you from wanting to let people in.
I've had good friends betray me, and really hurt me. I've perfected the art of keeping people at arms length. I care about these people, and they make me happy, but I make it a point to not get very attached to them. My good friends are another story...I guess I put my trust in them...which, in another blog, I mentioned my friend saying that that's a bad idea to do. I've made my friends my family, because...for obvious reasons...I'm not too crazy about my family.

Guys are another story...most a creepers, or you can tell from the start that they suck. But some of them get in past the walls you've built, and some of them seem so sincere. The stupid boy was perfect to me. I was falling in love with him. Which totally freaked me out because it was way too soon, or at least I felt like it was. And this stupid boy didn't do anything to intentionally hurt me...but all the drama that's come in between us, and me spilling all of my feelings, and only getting a one word response. Why didn't he get that that would bother me? I wanted him to tell me how he felt, or at least tell me that he still wanted to be with me or just...SOMETHING! I don't know what to do...I know I should just probably walk away from the whole situation, but I really don't want to. It just seems like things are good for a few days, and some new bull shit pops up. I really just want to see him so I can figure out if this is worth fighting for or not. I wish someone had answers for me. It would make life a whole lot easier.