Lately, I've felt off. I've been trying to figure out why, and I guess it could be any number of reasons. But it could be this...
Tomorrow will be a year. In the past year, things have drastically changed, and stayed the same. A year ago my world flipped upside down and inside out. It seems that its a constant theme in my life that when something good happens, something worse immediately follows. While it was a slow process letting everything go, I did...for the most part. I never could think of a year from that day. At first, it was just getting through a few hours at a time, then it was a few days. For months, it was like I knew I had the ability to run, but I was stuck at a crawl. Time crawled by, my life crawled by.
I've heard that doing e more than 3 times will completely change your perception of life, it changes how you deal with things, it changes everything. And that coupled with my depression made me just not give a fuck. I still find myself struggling to care, but I know I've changed all at the same time. I was asked why I stopped caring, and I couldn't even answer the question. I could've, but I wouldn't. I'll think the thought, but verbalizing it...it gives the thought too much power, and once you say it...you can't take it back.
In the past year I've lost and found myself. I lost the person I was...I'm not as open, I'm not as emotional. I find it impossible to feel anything for anyone in a romantic sense, the feelings just won't come. I've found a new me. Someone who is learning to be comfortable in her own skin, someone who can take pride in herself, someone who is less afraid. While I miss the girl I used to be, because she was never afraid to wear her heart on her sleeve, I embrace the new me because she is more at peace with herself and isn't constantly anticipating what will come next.
Maybe in the next year I'll find a way to unite the two, and become someone in the middle. I was fearless with my heart, but afraid of everything else. Now, I'm becoming fearless with everything else, and...if i were to be completely honest...I don't feel anything anymore, its as if my heart iced over. The only emotion I can seem the muster (with the exception of drunken emotion) is anger or frustration. I get into situation that I know I would normally care about, and I just don't, I feel nothing.
Saying that this was because of him gives him and what we had too much power. But at the same time...I stopped caring about everything when he left. He asked me the other day why I don't care about my grades...of course I wouldn't tell him.
A friend told me not that long ago that he didn't think that I actually loved Jonathan. And I guess I can understand why he would say that. And I've thought about that statement and the idea of love in general from time to time. I've come to the conclusion that just like everything else, love is relative. It's never the same experience for everyone. And I don't think even the same person can love each person the same. I loved my first boyfriend, and I loved Jonathan, and those loves were completely different.
Looking back, it's obvious that our love story was a short story, but it was a love story all the same. He was definitely one of those people that was in my life for only a season. It sparked, it grew into a big and bright flame, and then it died out. But nonetheless, during the time we had together...I can't honestly say that I could think of a time in my life when I was happier. And when it was over...well...to sum it up, I felt like dying everyday for months. I sometimes wonder if fate is real...and if it is...what did fate have planned for me and him? Was it exactly what happened? Was it something different? Would we have lasted if it had been under different circumstances or at a different time? I know I'll never get the answers to these questions, and that's ok with me, but it does run through my mind every now and again.
I found out that his new girlfriend is pregnant. When I found out, it felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I got the wind knocked out of me. Now lets not get crazy cuz I definitely am not saying that I wanted to be pregnant with his child, but for some reason it shocked me and I guess kind of hurt me for a quick second. But I think about it...and had we stayed together, I wouldn't be who I am now. And I don't know if i'd like the person I would've become. Had we stayed together...I could've seen that relationship going for years. I'm 21, and while there's nothing saying you can't, I don't think you should be settled down at 21. I have life to live, and god knows if I'd been with him all this time, I would've gotten pregnant, and my life would've been completely different.
So yeah...I walked away from the blog before I was done and clearly I lost my train of thought, so I'm done.