Lately I've realized that I invest too much in friendships that I really care about. To me, if you really care about someone or something, you should give your all for it. It seems like a logical thing to do. Two people who connect on a deeper level, people who enjoy each other's company and are in constant communication. Two people who put their energy into a friendship and watch it blossom. Seems like it makes sense. But I've always been the one to wear my heart on my sleeve, so I guess it's just me. I actually take everything to heart if you mean something to me. I thought I wanted someone in my life that I could be completely honest with, that i could tell anything to. In theory, it's wonderful. But I'm not built for it. I've realized, I'll probably always be at least slightly guarded with any and everyone. I can't tell someone everything, I feel too vulnerable. I feel like if someone I told everything to, if they ever screwed me over, which is more often than not the case, I'd have no cards to play, cuz i already laid everything out on the table. I just can't do that. People think that I'm more open than I actually am. I am open to most people, but only slightly. Maybe i give off the impression, maybe people dont know me as well as they think they do, or maybe people can't comprehend how open i can be and the capacity of love i posses. Whatever the case may be, people don't understand that there's a lot they don't know about me...not just stuff from my past, but things I'm capable of.
Back to my point...I know longer hold anger or resentment like I once did. I know holding that will change me, and I've worked too hard to sacrifice my progress for others. At this point, I'd rather just let it go and walk away. Everyone has a different trigger, things that are entirely unacceptable to them. And what seems to be no big deal to you could be a big deal to someone else. Looking back on the past, both recent and distant, I don't hold anger or resentment for the people that angered or hurt me. I think about them and feel nothing at all. Sometimes someone could've said something and fixed everything, but chose not to. And sometimes there was nothing that the person could've said or done to fix it. In any case...I just have to walk away. It used to be all about the other person, now...it's about me. Yes, I'll be selfish. Yes, I'll focus on myself. If I don't, it's not like there's anyone else around that would do it for me.