I wish

I wish I could take all of my emotions and make them coherent thought
I wish I could understand
I wish I could look at this with an unbiased view
I wish I could listen to people when they tell me to stop, leave it alone.
I wish I could know what the right thing to do is
Not the right thing in other people's eyes, but the right thing for me
I wish I knew how you feel
I wish I knew how this would all play out
I can't be the person to flip someone's world upside down intentionally
I can't be that selfish
I wish I knew what was going on
I wish I knew I wasn't making myself crazy for no reason
I wish I could think about anything other than this
I wish we could go back to last year
It tortures me all the time
I live life with no regrets
Yet I still have one
One single, solitary regret
Something that most people would overlook
They would say it was nothing, it was unimportant
But that one decision haunts me
Had I just brushed her off
Had I just had a little more faith
Had he not been a bumbling idiot in that moment
This last year would've been so different
It could've been better or worse, but it would've been different
I wish it were different
I wish I wasn't in an impossible situation.
I want to scream
I want to cry
I want to throw a fit
I want answers!!!
I think about you all the time
They say I shouldn't
They tell me I'm an idiot
They say it makes no sense
They say I can't
I don't want to hurt anyone, it's the last thing I want. I don't know her at all, she could be a great person. You wanted me to meet her, and I just couldn't. I couldn't bear to take the chance of seeing you happy with someone else. I'm terrified of laying it all out there. I'm terrified of owning up to these feelings. I don't want to ruin your life. I don't want to ruin hers. But if I keep going the way I'm going, I'm going to ruin mine. You asked me why I haven't cared about anything in the past year, and I lied. I couldn't tell you it was because of you. They don't believe me when I say I still love you. They think there was never enough time for us to fall in love. They think that I should've gotten over it months ago. And they're right, I should've. But the fact that I didnt...the fact that I make a conscious effort to not think about you, to stop crying...the fact that I got rid of all evidence that you were ever in my life...and yet still...today...I can still say that I'm in love with you...that means something to me. It may be false hope, it may be me reaching my peak of stupidity...but I guess I have to find out. I guess to add fuel to the fire...it seems that every time I'm not sure of what to do and people tell me not to so adamently...if I decide to take that leap, it usually turns out that it was the right decision for me. I guess I live my life in chaos, I guess my life is illogical and doesn't make sense to anyone but me until after the fact. And that's fine I guess...I can't expect people to get it. Half the time I take that leap and am so unsure of myself, btu it seems that something or someone pushes me over the edge because they know there's something or someone there to catch me.
I'm so terrified to ask the question...there's more than one question I want to ask and I just don't know how. Do you ever think about me? Do you ever miss me? HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ME?! There are more, but clearly we all get the point.

I'm a big believer that nothing is coinsidence...things happen for a reason. There's a reason I called you the other night when I was at 2 parties. Yes, obviously I was drunk and wanted to talk. But I haven't even made the attempt of calling you since we started talking again, we only talk through text. And yet, I had the balls to call. And making this call...it just so happened that I called you on a night that your girlfriend wasn't home. We talked for an hour and a half...about what? I dont even remember. We texted until 4 am AFTER our excessively long phone conversation. And the next day we texted for two hours! Why? What does this mean? Does it mean anything? Or am I reaching? It would be easier to hide, to pretend I didn't feel what I feel. But....I've never been one to take the easy road. I know I'll have something all prepared to say in my head before hand..and I follow the speech mostly, but I know I'll be nervous as hell, and my heart will be beating a mile a minute, and I'll probably be shaking. Why do I know this? Because I've made one of these speeches to you about my feelings for you last year. And that's what's so upsetting. At least in that situation, things were a lot less complicated than they are now. Even my mother said "He still is attracted to you and probably still has feelings for you, btu do I think he's going to leave his pregnant girlfriend for you? No." and it's the friggin truth. I know this situation will end in us not being together. Whether that's you not having feelings for me, or you admitting you do, but me choosing to not act on them. But I know the end result. But this is something I just have to do.