a song...a spark...an inspiration

"Trust Me" Looking for something I've never seen Alone and I'm in between The place that I'm from and The place that I'm in A city I've never been I found a friend or should I say foe Said there's a few things you should know We don't want you to see We come and we go Here today, gone tomorrow We're only taking turns Holding this world It's how it's always been When you're older, you will understand If I say who I know it just goes to show You need me less than I need you Take it from me We don't give sympathy You can trust me trust nobody But I said you and me We don't have honesty The things we don't want to speak I'll try to get out but I never will Traffic is perfectly still We're only taking turns Holding this world It's how it's always been When you're older you will understand And again maybe you don't And again maybe you won't When you're older You might understand When you're older You might understand I heard this song for the first time today. The first four lines pretty much describe where I am in my life right now. I'm stuck between the life that I had in college, and the life I have now. I'm definitely having some serious trouble adjusting to "adult" life. I haven't been able to find a job since January, so I've become very discouraged. I used to have 2 jobs, 6 classes, and a social life in college. I now have no job, no classes, and no social life. I live maybe an hour out of the city and some of my friends are still upstate at my school, some are in the city, and some have moved away. It's hard to connect to people you used to live 5 minutes away from when you can barely see them. I guess I took that built in social network for granted. I've always had a lot of friends and have always been super social so it's hard to adjust to not seeing people frequently. And it's a lot harder than I imagined to make friends outside of school. How do you meet people? You pass people on the street and you see people on buses, trains, subways, in stores and coffee places and pretty much everywhere you go, but do you just strike up a random conversation with someone in line? I've never really put much thought into how I would socialize when I was done with school, but now it's this very real situation that I don't really understand how to deal with. I also never really gave much thought to how distance and long periods of separation would affect my relationships with friends. I haven't been inspired to write anything in months, as you can well see. Not even a blog post since the beginning of January. I'm looking to get myself on a better track. I'll be quite honest with whoever reads this... I currently live with my brother who is a heroine addict, and does other drugs as well. We are about 3 months behind on the rent, and any other bill we have is on the 3rd notice. I smoke way too many cigarettes and too much weed. Since I have been unemployed, I have lost interest in mostly everything. I've become very closed off and to myself. It's not unusual for me to go 4 or 5 days without seeing anyone. This is not who I usually am, but I let my depressed mood become depression, and I haven't really cared about anything or anyone in months. And the thing is...I could move in with my dad. He lived with my grandma who just recently died and he is renovating the house, which I'm helping with a lot. I think that he needs me or at least could use me there, and I could use the stability. My dad is one of my favorite people in this world. It would probably get me out of my funk too. And any smart person probably would already be living there, I know this. But there are a few things keeping me where I am. I smoke cigarettes and I smoke weed, and my dad doesn't know about either one of those habits. I've gone to extreme measures to keep this from him. I'm his only child, and I'm his little girl; he'll always see my as a 5 year old. I just graduated from college, I'm his pride and joy and to him, I'm perfect. I've struggled with this for years because I hate lying to him but I can't stand the thought of disappointing him or him being angry with me. My dad and I have never even had a serious fight before like where you're not talking to the other person for however long. Not to mention I can't tell him because my grandma had lung and breast cancer, the lung cancer came first and she used to smoke for decades. I've been seriously considering quitting the cigs and the bud but I'm not quite there yet. So I'm hoping to find the inspiration and the courage to quit soon. Thanks for reading my venting and my return to writing. Hopefully you'll be reading more from me soon!