Resonance

The thought of you... Your hands, your lips, the feel of you... Only indulging for the briefest of moments. Licking, biting, kissing, twisting, grinding, passion. Ripped away too soon. Stolen glances, accidental touches... Forbidden desire confined to a small space. Then, freedom galore! The sparks, the flame, the connection, fill up this small space. Your fingertips, your hands, the feel of you, still linger on my skin. Your fingertips tracing every inch of my face As if you were trying to memorize the territory you meant to invade. Your voice still ringing in my ear, imploring me to explore the world with you. Now, regret, guilt, and longing linger above my head. My subconscious scurrying into the shadows, hoping to be still enough to put off thought. Hoping not to relive those erotic moments, hoping not to feel your hands on my skin, hoping not to feel like I missed out on something.

The Road Not Taken May Not Be The Right Road...

It's funny how you can change so much in only a year. Last year at this time, I was a girl who threw herself into new relationships with everything she had; always giving too much too soon. Always optimistic that a relationship with cracks could be mended, or that a new love was just around the corner. This girl looked at most people as a possibility in love, knowing that the things that truly do matter now and 50 years from now, are the things you only find out by being a part of someone's life. This girl was always willing to take that leap of faith. My track record in the love department isn't very good. My relationships ignite and flare but then quickly go out. It's a long series of stories that pretty much end the same. The guy last summer wasn't necessarily any more important than any of the others in my past, but he was certainly the straw that broke the camel's back. After him, I simply stopped caring, stopped trying, and even stopped looking for any possibilities. It was as if my mind and my heart had finally come to an agreement and said "enough is enough." For the next year, I didn't look and I shied away from the romantic opportunities that came knocking on my door. Truthfully, I just couldn't bear to have the same thing happen yet again. It wasn't the actual loss of the person at the time that hurt the most, it's the fact that they were instantly passionate about me and just as quickly the passion is gone. How is it that this keeps happening? I wonder what it is about me that makes or invites this to happen. Now, a year later, when the walls have built up high and the draw bridge is shut tight and there are sentries standing guard should anyone be so bold as to try and break in, there's this guy, who for some reason, has caught my attention. He wants to take me out, and I'm downright terrified. But see this isn't all bad. I had thought for quite some time that I needed to slow down and be by myself and stop looking for something. However, I've gone from one extreme to another. I know they say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," and sometimes I believe it, but most of the time I feel it makes you weaker. You've been assaulted by life one too many times, and it feels as if it will always turn out the same way, so why even bother? After a long talk and much convincing by my best friend, I've decided to go on the date...probably. Pretty much every inspirational phrase out there has been said to me a dozen or more times over the course of my life, so they've really lost their sentiment. But I guess when it comes down to it, I have a choice: A. Get back on the horse, and pray this works out better than the last. B. Continue to be by myself and hope I'll be in a better place soon to date someone.

a song...a spark...an inspiration

"Trust Me" Looking for something I've never seen Alone and I'm in between The place that I'm from and The place that I'm in A city I've never been I found a friend or should I say foe Said there's a few things you should know We don't want you to see We come and we go Here today, gone tomorrow We're only taking turns Holding this world It's how it's always been When you're older, you will understand If I say who I know it just goes to show You need me less than I need you Take it from me We don't give sympathy You can trust me trust nobody But I said you and me We don't have honesty The things we don't want to speak I'll try to get out but I never will Traffic is perfectly still We're only taking turns Holding this world It's how it's always been When you're older you will understand And again maybe you don't And again maybe you won't When you're older You might understand When you're older You might understand I heard this song for the first time today. The first four lines pretty much describe where I am in my life right now. I'm stuck between the life that I had in college, and the life I have now. I'm definitely having some serious trouble adjusting to "adult" life. I haven't been able to find a job since January, so I've become very discouraged. I used to have 2 jobs, 6 classes, and a social life in college. I now have no job, no classes, and no social life. I live maybe an hour out of the city and some of my friends are still upstate at my school, some are in the city, and some have moved away. It's hard to connect to people you used to live 5 minutes away from when you can barely see them. I guess I took that built in social network for granted. I've always had a lot of friends and have always been super social so it's hard to adjust to not seeing people frequently. And it's a lot harder than I imagined to make friends outside of school. How do you meet people? You pass people on the street and you see people on buses, trains, subways, in stores and coffee places and pretty much everywhere you go, but do you just strike up a random conversation with someone in line? I've never really put much thought into how I would socialize when I was done with school, but now it's this very real situation that I don't really understand how to deal with. I also never really gave much thought to how distance and long periods of separation would affect my relationships with friends. I haven't been inspired to write anything in months, as you can well see. Not even a blog post since the beginning of January. I'm looking to get myself on a better track. I'll be quite honest with whoever reads this... I currently live with my brother who is a heroine addict, and does other drugs as well. We are about 3 months behind on the rent, and any other bill we have is on the 3rd notice. I smoke way too many cigarettes and too much weed. Since I have been unemployed, I have lost interest in mostly everything. I've become very closed off and to myself. It's not unusual for me to go 4 or 5 days without seeing anyone. This is not who I usually am, but I let my depressed mood become depression, and I haven't really cared about anything or anyone in months. And the thing is...I could move in with my dad. He lived with my grandma who just recently died and he is renovating the house, which I'm helping with a lot. I think that he needs me or at least could use me there, and I could use the stability. My dad is one of my favorite people in this world. It would probably get me out of my funk too. And any smart person probably would already be living there, I know this. But there are a few things keeping me where I am. I smoke cigarettes and I smoke weed, and my dad doesn't know about either one of those habits. I've gone to extreme measures to keep this from him. I'm his only child, and I'm his little girl; he'll always see my as a 5 year old. I just graduated from college, I'm his pride and joy and to him, I'm perfect. I've struggled with this for years because I hate lying to him but I can't stand the thought of disappointing him or him being angry with me. My dad and I have never even had a serious fight before like where you're not talking to the other person for however long. Not to mention I can't tell him because my grandma had lung and breast cancer, the lung cancer came first and she used to smoke for decades. I've been seriously considering quitting the cigs and the bud but I'm not quite there yet. So I'm hoping to find the inspiration and the courage to quit soon. Thanks for reading my venting and my return to writing. Hopefully you'll be reading more from me soon!

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? If you fake is so well that no one can tell the difference, does it matter if you can't feel it?

Lately, I've been feeling so lost. I don't feel that I have any more direction or purpose, but the reasons behind my melancholy have become clear. I recently got a metaphoric slap in the face by the most unlikeliest of places. So I plan on making some changes, or at least traveling down the road of less negativity and more positivity. Let's see where this goes...

I graduated in May, and came back down state to live with my brother. Last month, I got a job. And this all sounds great, but lately, I've been finding that each day, I get a little more sad. I guess when I was hurtling toward graduation, and starting my life, I never really realized what I was going to be leaving behind. Where I went to college was home to me; it was the most stable place I've been probably since I was 10. And a lot of my friends are still up there. I didn't really stay in touch with anyone from high school, and the friends that graduated with me are scattered throughout the state. I just feel so sad. My friends are my family and they're not around, and coming home feels more like moving away from home.

I find myself emotional and depressed, and I keep trying to think of a way to fix this, and I really just don't know. If I moved back upstate, it wouldn't be the same, and my friends there will be graduating soon enough. I made a friend here, and she's nice, but she doesn't fill the void I feel. I wish I knew what to do.

The Differences

In every aspect of our lives, we are taught that everyone is different. We learn about it in school, hear it from our parents and relatives, and see it for ourselves in every day life. Everyone makes different choices, wears different clothes, listens to different music, has different opinions, sees the world differently, etc. A person's views, personality, and looks set them apart from others. But something that I have come to realize quite recently is that our fears also set us apart from others.

Fear is one of the biggest motivations for anyone. Whether it is steering you away or to something, it is steering you nonetheless. And the really unique thing about fear is that sometimes you can't quite pin point what you're afraid of; sometimes it's just a feeling you get.

I'll tell you all a story if you have the patience to sit and read what I know will turn out to be an excessively long blog, although, I doubt anyone will be reading this but me since I've noticed that my longer blogs get no attention from my followers.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who was truly fearless; she would explore by herself or with her peers, she would climb trees and hills and to the tops of roofs by the time she was 7. She wore whatever she wanted, sang on the top of her lungs, danced whenever and where ever she wanted, and didn't regard the opinions of others when she chose to do something. She was also fearless in love; if she had a crush on a boy, she made it known.
15 years later: that fearless child grew into a fearful adult. She was sassy and sarcastic, as well as open. She was kind, never without a smile, and always willing to help others. Some called her fearless in her attempts at love. She still wore what she wanted, and explored, but she wasn't fearless anymore. Those 15 years, and the events that occurred within them, changed her. People gravitated toward her; she held a presence that couldn't readily be explained. She had a good life despite all of the horrid events she was forced to endure, and people admired her more for it. One day, she found herself lost in her own life. She understood the order of things, and what was expected of her, and where her life was supposed to lead, but she felt uneasy. There was something unsettling about her life that she could never put her finger on. She realized that everything in her life, everyone in her life, had changed her. Some for the good, but mostly for the bad. She was the same kind-hearted person she always was and would continue to be, but she was nowhere near the fearless girl she had once been. She felt as if there was something missing or something wrong, and this had been in the back of her mind for years, and then she realized, what was missing was the girl she used to be; the one without so many fears. The ironic part about it was that the people in her life saw her as fearless and confident, while she saw herself as a fearful woman with no confidence to speak of. She thought to herself how cliche it seemed that she felt so alone and so wrong, so out of place when she was with people who thought she fit perfectly.

We all have our fears, and to an extent, they define us. I have gone out of my way to face my "trivial" fears like heights and roller coasters. The fears I have yet to face are the hard ones. A fear of being left behind like a discarded toy a child is done playing with and has no use for. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. These are the things I don't even know how to begin to face.

The funniest part about my fears is that they're not anything I haven't faced before, but knowing the pain that is involved, and the heart break, that's what I am truly terrified of.

thoughts of the day...

Every second, there's a new weight on my chest
A mind full of doubt, a heart full of scars.
Watching you so intently
Waiting for you to screw up
Do you feel the intensity of my gaze?
Does your skin start to burn under this microscope?
A weight when you do good
A weight when you do bad
Always something weighing on this mind.

What to do with a heart that refuses
To love or be loved,
And a soul that wants
To love and be loved.