Last year, I was an insecure, emotional mess. I was miserable for most of last year, and it was mostly by my own doing. Then, the summer was like a release for me. I was free from my problems. I focused on only myself, I put my wants and needs and thoughts and hopes first before anyone else. And there was no bullshit to deal with. This summer was...MAGICAL for me. Someone recently asked me if I had ever felt like I have been revived. And that is what the summer felt like to me; I laughed so hard all summer, I spent so much time by myself and never longed to be with people; I was simply content to keep my own company.
Now, I feel myself slipping into old ways. Questioning myself and others, becoming tense and depressed. Some days, I'm peppy and happy and just excited. But most days I'm sad or angry and I don't know why. I know that there must be something that triggers these bouts of emotion, but I haven't figured it out yet. I need to figure it out. I feel like a hot mess. And because I'm depressed, I just don't care about my work. I never want to do it, and I just stare at it, knowing that if I fuck up at all this semester or next, I could fuck up my whole college career and also not graduate on time. Yet, I still can't bring myself to care all that much.
In other news, I've been superrrr freaking out about graduation. Real life is on the horizon and its exciting and terrifying at the same time. I'm excited because I want to experience it, but I'm afraid to fail, and I also will be somewhat sad to leave college.
Random note: I plan on writing a book, and everyone is telling me to do so, but I don't know when to start, or from which point in my life. And this craft class I'm taking is giving me serious doubts about my skills as a writer. I thought I was good, but everything I write, my class tears to pieces and I'm at a loss for words. I feel like the moment I try to do something that involves a class, it starts to suck. When something doesnt have a due date on it, it's so much better. What's weird about this is is that its not as if I spend anymore time on the piece in either scenario. I can't do things in chunks of time. So if I have a short story due for class, then I start it the day or night before, and do it all in one sitting. And thats the same for choosing to write on my own. So how is it that one piece can suck simply because I write it for class, while another piece can be fantastic because I wrote on my own free will? It makes no sense to me.
Anyway...that's enough of my rambling for now...so much going on in my head.
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