The Differences

In every aspect of our lives, we are taught that everyone is different. We learn about it in school, hear it from our parents and relatives, and see it for ourselves in every day life. Everyone makes different choices, wears different clothes, listens to different music, has different opinions, sees the world differently, etc. A person's views, personality, and looks set them apart from others. But something that I have come to realize quite recently is that our fears also set us apart from others.

Fear is one of the biggest motivations for anyone. Whether it is steering you away or to something, it is steering you nonetheless. And the really unique thing about fear is that sometimes you can't quite pin point what you're afraid of; sometimes it's just a feeling you get.

I'll tell you all a story if you have the patience to sit and read what I know will turn out to be an excessively long blog, although, I doubt anyone will be reading this but me since I've noticed that my longer blogs get no attention from my followers.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who was truly fearless; she would explore by herself or with her peers, she would climb trees and hills and to the tops of roofs by the time she was 7. She wore whatever she wanted, sang on the top of her lungs, danced whenever and where ever she wanted, and didn't regard the opinions of others when she chose to do something. She was also fearless in love; if she had a crush on a boy, she made it known.
15 years later: that fearless child grew into a fearful adult. She was sassy and sarcastic, as well as open. She was kind, never without a smile, and always willing to help others. Some called her fearless in her attempts at love. She still wore what she wanted, and explored, but she wasn't fearless anymore. Those 15 years, and the events that occurred within them, changed her. People gravitated toward her; she held a presence that couldn't readily be explained. She had a good life despite all of the horrid events she was forced to endure, and people admired her more for it. One day, she found herself lost in her own life. She understood the order of things, and what was expected of her, and where her life was supposed to lead, but she felt uneasy. There was something unsettling about her life that she could never put her finger on. She realized that everything in her life, everyone in her life, had changed her. Some for the good, but mostly for the bad. She was the same kind-hearted person she always was and would continue to be, but she was nowhere near the fearless girl she had once been. She felt as if there was something missing or something wrong, and this had been in the back of her mind for years, and then she realized, what was missing was the girl she used to be; the one without so many fears. The ironic part about it was that the people in her life saw her as fearless and confident, while she saw herself as a fearful woman with no confidence to speak of. She thought to herself how cliche it seemed that she felt so alone and so wrong, so out of place when she was with people who thought she fit perfectly.

We all have our fears, and to an extent, they define us. I have gone out of my way to face my "trivial" fears like heights and roller coasters. The fears I have yet to face are the hard ones. A fear of being left behind like a discarded toy a child is done playing with and has no use for. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. These are the things I don't even know how to begin to face.

The funniest part about my fears is that they're not anything I haven't faced before, but knowing the pain that is involved, and the heart break, that's what I am truly terrified of.

thoughts of the day...

Every second, there's a new weight on my chest
A mind full of doubt, a heart full of scars.
Watching you so intently
Waiting for you to screw up
Do you feel the intensity of my gaze?
Does your skin start to burn under this microscope?
A weight when you do good
A weight when you do bad
Always something weighing on this mind.

What to do with a heart that refuses
To love or be loved,
And a soul that wants
To love and be loved.

Even still...

In a world full of possibility, I see you.
In the face of the impossible, I see you.
you, you, you, always you.
Do we love each other?
Or are we addicted to the chaos?
The heart that loved you so intently,
beats indifferently when you're near.
Even after all of this time, I see you.
Even after all of this time, you see me.
What does this mean?
Are we meant to be?
Is that what I want?
You are not my dream, or my wish,
yet I can't tear myself away from you...
After all of this time...

I want to write, but am blocked as far as what to write about...suggestions?

The things that hurt the most...

The thing that I have come to realize is that it is easier to be angry than it is to feel hurt. I keep the rage going because I know as I soon as I let go of this fiery anger, I'll be stuck with an unbearable amount of sadness and hurt.

Why is it that friends let you down and hurt you the most?

I have come to the conclusion that friendships are all well and good when you're getting to know someone and doing the fun stuff, but what really matters is being there when things are ugly or unpleasant that really matters. If you don't show up for the important stuff, then what's the point of the friendship?

I am angry and sad, but I can't rationalize my increasing feeling of betrayal...

a letter to myself

Dear Sam,
Lately you've been kind of a mess. I'm still confused as to why. Slowly, we come to conclusions or we encounter situations that provide some clarity to our life. You are convinced that the answer to most or all questions someone has about themselves is within that person, and you may be right. The problem is, you don't trust yourself enough yet to be able to find those answers. It is only through painful experiences & later conversations that you get the answer you're looking for. Stop looking at other people for the right answer! You have the wonderful gift of intuition that you need to have more faith and confidence in.
Your biggest problem is your self confidence. You have grown so much in these past 4 years, and to look back at it now, through these eyes, makes me want to cry. I am so proud of myself, but why is that so hard to admit? You have gone through A LOT in your life thus far, and most of that you have internalized. If there was ever one wish I could have for myself, it would be for the negative voices to stop dancing around in my head. While you haven't let those go yet, I can say that I am beyond proud that you have let the positive voices dance with the negative (and even overpower them) sometimes.
"you need to stop walking around here like you're not the shit. Look at you, you're maaad cute. So you better start walking around here like you're the shit. Like hey, look at me, I'm Sam and I'm the shit."
"you know who you are, you know what you want, so that puts you into control."
"you're starting to piss me off. you walk around acting like you're weak, and you're not. You've been through a lot of shit, but that makes you stronger, so start acting like it."
"the people that are truly your friends love you and appreciate your existence in their lives"
"you're a beautiful person sam, right down to your core."
"me: why are you staring at me?
him: it's like a beautiful painting that needs to be admired and appreciated."

all of these things...all of these people...have contributed to my awakening. I owe them a lot for that.

Fairytale or nightmare?

Lately I've been giving a great deal of thought to those that are emotionless, or those that are limited in their emotional capabilities. Many people say they're emotionless, but they are only wishing that was the truth. The truth is, most of us pretend nothing can hurt us, when in reality, we feel everything.Being a very emotional person, it's hard to imagine those who truly are emotionless.
My best friend is emotionally limited. It takes a long time and a lot of effort on the other person's part to get her to open up to someone when it comes to romantic relationships. However, she will acknowledge the other person's efforts.
Recently, I met someone I am very interested in. He is everything I could hope to find in a man. But with every perfect situation, there comes a flaw. His is that he is emotionally retarded. He told me he was the first to admit he was hard to be in a relationship with, and he told me on our date that if I didn't hit him up for a week, he wouldn't be the type to blow up my phone, asking why I wasn't talking to him. And we even joked about him being emotionally retarded. All of this, and I somehow managed to ignore it. I thought it was all talk, because he swept me off my feet on our date, and we talked every day, all day for 2 weeks or so. He was able to open up, so I thought he was like most people who couldn't admit that they are emotional.
But slowly, he stopped hitting me up as much, and I started to feel like I was bothering him because he seemed so uninterested in talking to me or hearing what i had to say. So on Tuesday, after another text went unanswered and unacknowledged, I decided to stop hitting him up. I haven't hit him up since and he hasn't tried to contact me by any means. The more time that passes, the less interested I become. Now, if you know me, you know that this is a huge deal. I have always been the girl that couldn't let go, no matter how messed up the situation, and no matter how much wrong had been done to me by the person. I could never give up on a person or a situation. I'm still trying to understand why that is, but to know that I have the capability of walking away from a situation with my confidence and my dignity in tact is a wonderful thing.
A friend keeps telling me that she doesn't want me to walk away from the situation yet, because she knows he's what I've been looking for, but communication is a huge thing to me, and it's not something I'm willing to compromise on. We're still in the courting stage and we haven't talked for almost 6 days, that's a problem. At the latest, he should have contacted me on day 3. It's sad to see that there is someone in the world that, so far, is perfect for me, but he is missing one huge quality.
I could never ask someone to change for me, and I would never expect that someone would do it for me. So I try not to let that thought enter my mind. I heard a line in a movie once..."all women want to be the exception when they're really the rule" or something along those lines. It's a cute fantasy to think that someone will change to be with you; that you'd somehow inspire them to be better so they could be worthy of you. Very rarely does that happen. In my mind, those are they fairy tales; a story that is unattainable but beautiful to dream about.

Leap of faith: fairytale or nightmare?