Dear Sam,
Lately you've been kind of a mess. I'm still confused as to why. Slowly, we come to conclusions or we encounter situations that provide some clarity to our life. You are convinced that the answer to most or all questions someone has about themselves is within that person, and you may be right. The problem is, you don't trust yourself enough yet to be able to find those answers. It is only through painful experiences & later conversations that you get the answer you're looking for. Stop looking at other people for the right answer! You have the wonderful gift of intuition that you need to have more faith and confidence in.
Your biggest problem is your self confidence. You have grown so much in these past 4 years, and to look back at it now, through these eyes, makes me want to cry. I am so proud of myself, but why is that so hard to admit? You have gone through A LOT in your life thus far, and most of that you have internalized. If there was ever one wish I could have for myself, it would be for the negative voices to stop dancing around in my head. While you haven't let those go yet, I can say that I am beyond proud that you have let the positive voices dance with the negative (and even overpower them) sometimes.
"you need to stop walking around here like you're not the shit. Look at you, you're maaad cute. So you better start walking around here like you're the shit. Like hey, look at me, I'm Sam and I'm the shit."
"you know who you are, you know what you want, so that puts you into control."
"you're starting to piss me off. you walk around acting like you're weak, and you're not. You've been through a lot of shit, but that makes you stronger, so start acting like it."
"the people that are truly your friends love you and appreciate your existence in their lives"
"you're a beautiful person sam, right down to your core."
"me: why are you staring at me?
him: it's like a beautiful painting that needs to be admired and appreciated."
all of these things...all of these people...have contributed to my awakening. I owe them a lot for that.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Fairytale or nightmare?
Lately I've been giving a great deal of thought to those that are emotionless, or those that are limited in their emotional capabilities. Many people say they're emotionless, but they are only wishing that was the truth. The truth is, most of us pretend nothing can hurt us, when in reality, we feel everything.Being a very emotional person, it's hard to imagine those who truly are emotionless.
My best friend is emotionally limited. It takes a long time and a lot of effort on the other person's part to get her to open up to someone when it comes to romantic relationships. However, she will acknowledge the other person's efforts.
Recently, I met someone I am very interested in. He is everything I could hope to find in a man. But with every perfect situation, there comes a flaw. His is that he is emotionally retarded. He told me he was the first to admit he was hard to be in a relationship with, and he told me on our date that if I didn't hit him up for a week, he wouldn't be the type to blow up my phone, asking why I wasn't talking to him. And we even joked about him being emotionally retarded. All of this, and I somehow managed to ignore it. I thought it was all talk, because he swept me off my feet on our date, and we talked every day, all day for 2 weeks or so. He was able to open up, so I thought he was like most people who couldn't admit that they are emotional.
But slowly, he stopped hitting me up as much, and I started to feel like I was bothering him because he seemed so uninterested in talking to me or hearing what i had to say. So on Tuesday, after another text went unanswered and unacknowledged, I decided to stop hitting him up. I haven't hit him up since and he hasn't tried to contact me by any means. The more time that passes, the less interested I become. Now, if you know me, you know that this is a huge deal. I have always been the girl that couldn't let go, no matter how messed up the situation, and no matter how much wrong had been done to me by the person. I could never give up on a person or a situation. I'm still trying to understand why that is, but to know that I have the capability of walking away from a situation with my confidence and my dignity in tact is a wonderful thing.
A friend keeps telling me that she doesn't want me to walk away from the situation yet, because she knows he's what I've been looking for, but communication is a huge thing to me, and it's not something I'm willing to compromise on. We're still in the courting stage and we haven't talked for almost 6 days, that's a problem. At the latest, he should have contacted me on day 3. It's sad to see that there is someone in the world that, so far, is perfect for me, but he is missing one huge quality.
I could never ask someone to change for me, and I would never expect that someone would do it for me. So I try not to let that thought enter my mind. I heard a line in a movie once..."all women want to be the exception when they're really the rule" or something along those lines. It's a cute fantasy to think that someone will change to be with you; that you'd somehow inspire them to be better so they could be worthy of you. Very rarely does that happen. In my mind, those are they fairy tales; a story that is unattainable but beautiful to dream about.
Leap of faith: fairytale or nightmare?
My best friend is emotionally limited. It takes a long time and a lot of effort on the other person's part to get her to open up to someone when it comes to romantic relationships. However, she will acknowledge the other person's efforts.
Recently, I met someone I am very interested in. He is everything I could hope to find in a man. But with every perfect situation, there comes a flaw. His is that he is emotionally retarded. He told me he was the first to admit he was hard to be in a relationship with, and he told me on our date that if I didn't hit him up for a week, he wouldn't be the type to blow up my phone, asking why I wasn't talking to him. And we even joked about him being emotionally retarded. All of this, and I somehow managed to ignore it. I thought it was all talk, because he swept me off my feet on our date, and we talked every day, all day for 2 weeks or so. He was able to open up, so I thought he was like most people who couldn't admit that they are emotional.
But slowly, he stopped hitting me up as much, and I started to feel like I was bothering him because he seemed so uninterested in talking to me or hearing what i had to say. So on Tuesday, after another text went unanswered and unacknowledged, I decided to stop hitting him up. I haven't hit him up since and he hasn't tried to contact me by any means. The more time that passes, the less interested I become. Now, if you know me, you know that this is a huge deal. I have always been the girl that couldn't let go, no matter how messed up the situation, and no matter how much wrong had been done to me by the person. I could never give up on a person or a situation. I'm still trying to understand why that is, but to know that I have the capability of walking away from a situation with my confidence and my dignity in tact is a wonderful thing.
A friend keeps telling me that she doesn't want me to walk away from the situation yet, because she knows he's what I've been looking for, but communication is a huge thing to me, and it's not something I'm willing to compromise on. We're still in the courting stage and we haven't talked for almost 6 days, that's a problem. At the latest, he should have contacted me on day 3. It's sad to see that there is someone in the world that, so far, is perfect for me, but he is missing one huge quality.
I could never ask someone to change for me, and I would never expect that someone would do it for me. So I try not to let that thought enter my mind. I heard a line in a movie once..."all women want to be the exception when they're really the rule" or something along those lines. It's a cute fantasy to think that someone will change to be with you; that you'd somehow inspire them to be better so they could be worthy of you. Very rarely does that happen. In my mind, those are they fairy tales; a story that is unattainable but beautiful to dream about.
Leap of faith: fairytale or nightmare?
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
For the child...
For every child who cries at night
Alone with shame and pain and fright
For every child who wants so much
To only feel a gentle touch
For the beaten child, who cries in pain
Whose tears run silent, like the rain
For the child used to satisfy lust
Who never learns to love or trust
For the child taken from her home
And made to feel so all alone
For the child whose home is just a shell
Where life becomes a living hell
For the child who smiles but cannot feel
Because of scars too deep to heal
For every child who yearns for love
I hope and pray to God above
To hear your cries and heal your pain
And give you back your life again
I found this online last night and teared up when I read it. I am someone who was physically and mentally abused from as long as I can remember until the age of 19 by my mother. I can't say I've ever researched child abuse or have come into contact with anyone who went through a similar situation. While it doesn't rule my life, I can't say that it hasn't affected me. But it doesn't consume me. Finding this poem was like validating everything I have gone through and my feelings, which is something I didn't know I needed, but definitely did. It's as if the poet was telling me "you aren't alone, and your feelings were/are valid." I value this poem more than I can say...it has truly touched my soul.
Alone with shame and pain and fright
For every child who wants so much
To only feel a gentle touch
For the beaten child, who cries in pain
Whose tears run silent, like the rain
For the child used to satisfy lust
Who never learns to love or trust
For the child taken from her home
And made to feel so all alone
For the child whose home is just a shell
Where life becomes a living hell
For the child who smiles but cannot feel
Because of scars too deep to heal
For every child who yearns for love
I hope and pray to God above
To hear your cries and heal your pain
And give you back your life again
I found this online last night and teared up when I read it. I am someone who was physically and mentally abused from as long as I can remember until the age of 19 by my mother. I can't say I've ever researched child abuse or have come into contact with anyone who went through a similar situation. While it doesn't rule my life, I can't say that it hasn't affected me. But it doesn't consume me. Finding this poem was like validating everything I have gone through and my feelings, which is something I didn't know I needed, but definitely did. It's as if the poet was telling me "you aren't alone, and your feelings were/are valid." I value this poem more than I can say...it has truly touched my soul.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
post-it notes and such...
I took this pic today and thought it was hilarious. It's interesting that people never stop to wonder who can hear what they are saying as they talk to a friend outside, or talk to someone on the phone. I like to observe people, and I've found over the years that if you just sit in one place for a while, people genuinely do not care if you're there and hear their whole conversation. I do it myself, especially if I'm upset. It's interesting though...you go to great lengths to keep certain information away from certain people, yet you don't care if a perfect stranger hears it. The ironies in life.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Updates
Hello all,
it's been a very taxing couple of weeks. For the most part, I try to keep my blog on a level in which everyone can relate to, but...as in most parts of my life, I do too much for others when I should be doing things for myself. So on that note, let's get a little more personal.
Two things I can swear are attracted to me: adulterous men and suicidal friends.
Today, and for the past week, the ladder is what has been bothering me the most.
In high school, I had a lot of friends with eating disorders, drug problems, depression, and friends who liked to cut. My freshmen year in college, I had a best friend who was suicidal. I spent most of my first year trying to convince him that he didn't want to die, and after that, I would get angry with him, telling him that killing yourself is the most selfish thing you could do, and I stand by that opinion. I spent my nights crying with him or to him, he would give me the pills he was planning to take and the cycle continued. After an overdose, he finally got the help he needed and he has been ok since then.
Now, 3 years later, I'm faced with a similar situation. A friend attempted to kill herself in my room when I went to get dinner. When I came back, there were University Police officers in my room. She was taken to the psychiatric ward of a hospital...or as I like to refer to it, the crazy house lol. It's upsetting to known that someone wants to kill themselves, especially when its someone you love, but I'm so angry with her. The only thing I can think is.. how dare you. How dare you try to kill yourself, how dare you do that in my room, and HOW DARE YOU give up. No one said life was going to be easy, its actually unbearable sometimes, but that doesn't mean you get to cop out. She's fine now, but I still hold so much emotion surrounding this situation. I suppose this was my swift kick in the ass to find a therapist...I've been meaning to, but haven't.
Then, because of that, my friend's ex stirred up some trouble for all of us and I spent a majority of the week daydreaming about beating the living hell out of her. But I'd like to graduate so on that note, I have and will continue to try to refrain.
I guess because of all of this as well as some other bullshit, I've been finding myself depressed lately. This is not a new feeling, I know it well in fact. But its been a while since I felt like this. It's been almost a year actually. I'm on a mission to figure out why, because this needs to get resolved ASAP.
For a very very long time, I figured that being depressed was how I'd always be. Growing up, 95% of the time I was depressed, that was the only long lasting emotion, happiness was there, but it was fleeting. I always found happiness in being with someone, but clearly that wasn't the right type of happiness. Then, one day something magical(or at least to me) happened, I was happy. And it came only from me, not from anyone else. Self-generated happiness. I was able to just enjoy life and things didnt seem as difficult. Now, I find myself slipping back into old ways of thinking and I can't seem to figure out why. All I know is that I've felt depression, and I've felt happiness, and I want to be happy.
Yeah...that was long.
A note for those who read my blog: I clearly write about whatever I want, but if you'd like to ask me a question or for advice or you want to hear my opinion on something, just comment on this entry & let me know.
I don't really know why, maybe
it's been a very taxing couple of weeks. For the most part, I try to keep my blog on a level in which everyone can relate to, but...as in most parts of my life, I do too much for others when I should be doing things for myself. So on that note, let's get a little more personal.
Two things I can swear are attracted to me: adulterous men and suicidal friends.
Today, and for the past week, the ladder is what has been bothering me the most.
In high school, I had a lot of friends with eating disorders, drug problems, depression, and friends who liked to cut. My freshmen year in college, I had a best friend who was suicidal. I spent most of my first year trying to convince him that he didn't want to die, and after that, I would get angry with him, telling him that killing yourself is the most selfish thing you could do, and I stand by that opinion. I spent my nights crying with him or to him, he would give me the pills he was planning to take and the cycle continued. After an overdose, he finally got the help he needed and he has been ok since then.
Now, 3 years later, I'm faced with a similar situation. A friend attempted to kill herself in my room when I went to get dinner. When I came back, there were University Police officers in my room. She was taken to the psychiatric ward of a hospital...or as I like to refer to it, the crazy house lol. It's upsetting to known that someone wants to kill themselves, especially when its someone you love, but I'm so angry with her. The only thing I can think is.. how dare you. How dare you try to kill yourself, how dare you do that in my room, and HOW DARE YOU give up. No one said life was going to be easy, its actually unbearable sometimes, but that doesn't mean you get to cop out. She's fine now, but I still hold so much emotion surrounding this situation. I suppose this was my swift kick in the ass to find a therapist...I've been meaning to, but haven't.
Then, because of that, my friend's ex stirred up some trouble for all of us and I spent a majority of the week daydreaming about beating the living hell out of her. But I'd like to graduate so on that note, I have and will continue to try to refrain.
I guess because of all of this as well as some other bullshit, I've been finding myself depressed lately. This is not a new feeling, I know it well in fact. But its been a while since I felt like this. It's been almost a year actually. I'm on a mission to figure out why, because this needs to get resolved ASAP.
For a very very long time, I figured that being depressed was how I'd always be. Growing up, 95% of the time I was depressed, that was the only long lasting emotion, happiness was there, but it was fleeting. I always found happiness in being with someone, but clearly that wasn't the right type of happiness. Then, one day something magical(or at least to me) happened, I was happy. And it came only from me, not from anyone else. Self-generated happiness. I was able to just enjoy life and things didnt seem as difficult. Now, I find myself slipping back into old ways of thinking and I can't seem to figure out why. All I know is that I've felt depression, and I've felt happiness, and I want to be happy.
Yeah...that was long.
A note for those who read my blog: I clearly write about whatever I want, but if you'd like to ask me a question or for advice or you want to hear my opinion on something, just comment on this entry & let me know.
I don't really know why, maybe
Monday, February 7, 2011
Thoughts, Questions & Randomness
We constantly talk about changing ourselves, tweaking ourselves, or "fixing" things about us. But it seems that we never stop to think that maybe these flaws are simply in our nature; maybe it's who we are. I've been struggling with finding the line of making healthy changes without changing who I am. I'm an emotional, passionate, driven, stubborn, somewhat insecure person. I have things I'd like to change, but who's to say that's not who and how I'm supposed to be. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't want to tweak and change things to subconsciously fit into the mold of how people are supposed to act.
On a random note...
I'm absolutely obsessed with "Patience" by Nas & Damian Marley
Especially...
Huh, we born not knowing, are we born knowing all?
We growing wiser, are we just growing tall?
Can you read thoughts? can you read palms?
Huh, can you predict the future? can you see storms, coming?
Can you read signs? can you read stars?
Can you make peace? can you fight war?
Can you milk cows, even though you drive cars? huh
Can you survive, Against All Odds, Now?
In a world full of 52 fakers
*The entire song is awesome, but these are the lyrics that really stick with me*
On a random note...
I'm absolutely obsessed with "Patience" by Nas & Damian Marley
Especially...
Huh, we born not knowing, are we born knowing all?
We growing wiser, are we just growing tall?
Can you read thoughts? can you read palms?
Huh, can you predict the future? can you see storms, coming?
Can you read signs? can you read stars?
Can you make peace? can you fight war?
Can you milk cows, even though you drive cars? huh
Can you survive, Against All Odds, Now?
In a world full of 52 fakers
*The entire song is awesome, but these are the lyrics that really stick with me*
Sunday, February 6, 2011
2 faces
I understand that many relationships start through friendship. But my question is...why is it that some people make a relationship out of a friendship and others get stuck in a friend zone where they cannot see the other person as anything more than a friend? Why does this happen? How can it be avoided?
I like someone a lot...and there has been a lot of drama surrounding this person. We had shown interest in each other for like half a second and it got buried underneath all the bullshit. Now, things have calmed down and we're friends. However, I have stronger feelings than just friendship, but I don't want to rush it. I want to give the person their time to be settled, I want to have the patience to wait for the right time, but then I'm also afraid of getting stuck in that friend zone, if I'm not already there. Now, most people would say to just admit my feelings and see where things are, but I am crazy afraid of being vulnerable and rejected, and also I'm afraid of rushing it, especially when we agreed months ago to just see where it goes, or if anything happens. But this was before a lot of drama, so who knows if this person still is interested in me.
This sucks up a whole hell of a lot of time, more than I care to admit. This person is special to me, and most definitely one of a kind. However, I mask all of this and pretend that this person is only a friend. Clearly I'm all mixed up with this one. I'm clear-headed and driven when it comes to other aspects of my life, but my love life is one big confusing mess to me.
To be continued I suppose...
I like someone a lot...and there has been a lot of drama surrounding this person. We had shown interest in each other for like half a second and it got buried underneath all the bullshit. Now, things have calmed down and we're friends. However, I have stronger feelings than just friendship, but I don't want to rush it. I want to give the person their time to be settled, I want to have the patience to wait for the right time, but then I'm also afraid of getting stuck in that friend zone, if I'm not already there. Now, most people would say to just admit my feelings and see where things are, but I am crazy afraid of being vulnerable and rejected, and also I'm afraid of rushing it, especially when we agreed months ago to just see where it goes, or if anything happens. But this was before a lot of drama, so who knows if this person still is interested in me.
This sucks up a whole hell of a lot of time, more than I care to admit. This person is special to me, and most definitely one of a kind. However, I mask all of this and pretend that this person is only a friend. Clearly I'm all mixed up with this one. I'm clear-headed and driven when it comes to other aspects of my life, but my love life is one big confusing mess to me.
To be continued I suppose...
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