Updates

Hello all,
it's been a very taxing couple of weeks. For the most part, I try to keep my blog on a level in which everyone can relate to, but...as in most parts of my life, I do too much for others when I should be doing things for myself. So on that note, let's get a little more personal.
Two things I can swear are attracted to me: adulterous men and suicidal friends.
Today, and for the past week, the ladder is what has been bothering me the most.

In high school, I had a lot of friends with eating disorders, drug problems, depression, and friends who liked to cut. My freshmen year in college, I had a best friend who was suicidal. I spent most of my first year trying to convince him that he didn't want to die, and after that, I would get angry with him, telling him that killing yourself is the most selfish thing you could do, and I stand by that opinion. I spent my nights crying with him or to him, he would give me the pills he was planning to take and the cycle continued. After an overdose, he finally got the help he needed and he has been ok since then.
Now, 3 years later, I'm faced with a similar situation. A friend attempted to kill herself in my room when I went to get dinner. When I came back, there were University Police officers in my room. She was taken to the psychiatric ward of a hospital...or as I like to refer to it, the crazy house lol. It's upsetting to known that someone wants to kill themselves, especially when its someone you love, but I'm so angry with her. The only thing I can think is.. how dare you. How dare you try to kill yourself, how dare you do that in my room, and HOW DARE YOU give up. No one said life was going to be easy, its actually unbearable sometimes, but that doesn't mean you get to cop out. She's fine now, but I still hold so much emotion surrounding this situation. I suppose this was my swift kick in the ass to find a therapist...I've been meaning to, but haven't.
Then, because of that, my friend's ex stirred up some trouble for all of us and I spent a majority of the week daydreaming about beating the living hell out of her. But I'd like to graduate so on that note, I have and will continue to try to refrain.
I guess because of all of this as well as some other bullshit, I've been finding myself depressed lately. This is not a new feeling, I know it well in fact. But its been a while since I felt like this. It's been almost a year actually. I'm on a mission to figure out why, because this needs to get resolved ASAP.

For a very very long time, I figured that being depressed was how I'd always be. Growing up, 95% of the time I was depressed, that was the only long lasting emotion, happiness was there, but it was fleeting. I always found happiness in being with someone, but clearly that wasn't the right type of happiness. Then, one day something magical(or at least to me) happened, I was happy. And it came only from me, not from anyone else. Self-generated happiness. I was able to just enjoy life and things didnt seem as difficult. Now, I find myself slipping back into old ways of thinking and I can't seem to figure out why. All I know is that I've felt depression, and I've felt happiness, and I want to be happy.

Yeah...that was long.

A note for those who read my blog: I clearly write about whatever I want, but if you'd like to ask me a question or for advice or you want to hear my opinion on something, just comment on this entry & let me know.

I don't really know why, maybe

Thoughts, Questions & Randomness

We constantly talk about changing ourselves, tweaking ourselves, or "fixing" things about us. But it seems that we never stop to think that maybe these flaws are simply in our nature; maybe it's who we are. I've been struggling with finding the line of making healthy changes without changing who I am. I'm an emotional, passionate, driven, stubborn, somewhat insecure person. I have things I'd like to change, but who's to say that's not who and how I'm supposed to be. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't want to tweak and change things to subconsciously fit into the mold of how people are supposed to act.


On a random note...
I'm absolutely obsessed with "Patience" by Nas & Damian Marley
Especially...

Huh, we born not knowing, are we born knowing all?
We growing wiser, are we just growing tall?
Can you read thoughts? can you read palms?
Huh, can you predict the future? can you see storms, coming?

Can you read signs? can you read stars?
Can you make peace? can you fight war?
Can you milk cows, even though you drive cars? huh
Can you survive, Against All Odds, Now?

In a world full of 52 fakers

*The entire song is awesome, but these are the lyrics that really stick with me*

2 faces

I understand that many relationships start through friendship. But my question is...why is it that some people make a relationship out of a friendship and others get stuck in a friend zone where they cannot see the other person as anything more than a friend? Why does this happen? How can it be avoided?
I like someone a lot...and there has been a lot of drama surrounding this person. We had shown interest in each other for like half a second and it got buried underneath all the bullshit. Now, things have calmed down and we're friends. However, I have stronger feelings than just friendship, but I don't want to rush it. I want to give the person their time to be settled, I want to have the patience to wait for the right time, but then I'm also afraid of getting stuck in that friend zone, if I'm not already there. Now, most people would say to just admit my feelings and see where things are, but I am crazy afraid of being vulnerable and rejected, and also I'm afraid of rushing it, especially when we agreed months ago to just see where it goes, or if anything happens. But this was before a lot of drama, so who knows if this person still is interested in me.
This sucks up a whole hell of a lot of time, more than I care to admit. This person is special to me, and most definitely one of a kind. However, I mask all of this and pretend that this person is only a friend. Clearly I'm all mixed up with this one. I'm clear-headed and driven when it comes to other aspects of my life, but my love life is one big confusing mess to me.

To be continued I suppose...

The tide is turning

I've found myself wondering for a few days now...how much of yourself do you give to other people? What's too much? What's not enough? I've always been a woman of extremes. So I could go from loving someone to finding them to be repellent if I feel that I have put too much of myself in another with no validation. I am also a woman who needs verbal validation from friends and lovers alike. I sometimes wonder how much time I've fretted over things I did not want to happen but inevitably would, and over analyzed minute details of events. I get caught up on things that don't matter even when I am aware that in the grand scheme of the world, or even just my life, these things are irrelevant. Slowly, I am realizing that wasting time on these things is not ok. I don't want to wake up somewhere down the line realizing I spent so much time and energy on nothing.
I vow to stop letting my life revolve around others, and to start taking better care of myself in all aspects. I feel as if I've had a revelation that cannot be put into words.

The next goal

Like I said before, I'm used to putting out fires. Last semester, I was on academic probation and I told myself that I would get serious and get good grades. I ended up with a 3.2 gpa for the semester, taking me off of probation. This semester, it being my final semester before I graduate, my next goal is a personal one. As I said before, I've been missing the girl I used to be for a while now. I want to figure out what happened to her, and what caused this change. The biggest difference between the girl I used to be and the girl I am now is that the old girl loved everything about herself. She was fearless. While I love my personality and the person I am, I've been feeling unhappy and ashamed of my body. It makes me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Having a discussion about this with a friend, I realized that it affects every part of my life. So my mission now is to love my body. After I can start to appreciate it, I can move forward in a positive manner. For the next four months, I dedicate myself to working on myself and just having fun. Because of my unhappiness, I've been searching for validation in other people, and subsequently chasing them. When I should be the one being chased. I'm keepin everything fun, fresh, and funky. I will spend this time having fun, and continuing my collection of priceless college memories.

In sickness & in health or until the going gets rough?

Lately I've been seeing stories about couples who have been together for decades. It makes me wonder if it's possible for people in our day and age to have that. This generation is obsessed with having things when they want it; courting has been reduced to meeting someone, texting/calling (aka "talking") and then it seems that things deteriorate into just sex. While sex is a great thing, why is it that things need to move in that direction so quickly? People don't spend enough time getting to know each other before hey jump into bed. And then the person who inevitably gets hurt wonders what went wrong...maybe if you keep it in your pants a while longer, things might turn out differently. You may find that they aren't right for you before you sleep with them, or maybe it'll be more meaningful if you wait.
My point is...how do people get to celebrating their 20 or 30+ year anniversary? How do they stay together through everything that life may try to throw at them? What is it about previous generations that makes it possible while it is highly unlikely and rarely heard of for our generation? I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I don't want to be one of those people who have been through multiple divorces. I want the person I choose to spend my life with to be the one and only for me.

Wanted: Sparkly, fantastic happiness

Hello all,
It's been far too long since I've written. Things have been so hectic for me! But anyway...

I started this blog over a year ago as a mark for my journey to find clarity and serenity, and to harness my creativity and passion. While I do wish I was a bit more consistent in writing on here, I also have taken it for what it is. My one wish is that I wish I could be a bit more open on this thing. It's not that random people find it, it's that people that I know found this blog as well. And while this isn't a bad thing, it makes it a bit more difficult to be honest when you need to make sense of things and of how you feel when there are eyes and ears everywhere.

Complacency has never been a friend of mine. Because my life has always, and continues to be so hectic, I'm used to chaos and constant change. It's ironic, because my life's dream has been to settle down in one place, grow roots, and lead a normal life. This is still something that I want, but as I climb closer to that dream, I realize that it's not what I need. Complacency is almost like dying for me; in that I just stop feeling passionate, and alive. I guess I'm so used to fighting to keep afloat, or running around putting out fires that I can no longer appreciate a quiet, normal life. This kind of disturbs me.

Over the past year or so, I can say that I've changed a lot. There are a bunch of things, but the most important thing is the fact that I make myself happy, which, if you know me, you know is something HUGE. With making myself happy, I've become stronger, more confident, ready to shine. And here's the thing...I've spent so long in the shadows, and on the side lines that it feels awkward and almost wrong to step into that role. I realized the other day that I've been making myself less sparkly in order to let others shine. I didn't give a fuck when I was younger, and I was the center of attention because of it. I very much need to get back to that girl, its something that's been missing for a while, and I feel that void.

I think this sums it up nicely...
http://1x.com/photos/latest-additions/35333/