The tide is turning

I've found myself wondering for a few days now...how much of yourself do you give to other people? What's too much? What's not enough? I've always been a woman of extremes. So I could go from loving someone to finding them to be repellent if I feel that I have put too much of myself in another with no validation. I am also a woman who needs verbal validation from friends and lovers alike. I sometimes wonder how much time I've fretted over things I did not want to happen but inevitably would, and over analyzed minute details of events. I get caught up on things that don't matter even when I am aware that in the grand scheme of the world, or even just my life, these things are irrelevant. Slowly, I am realizing that wasting time on these things is not ok. I don't want to wake up somewhere down the line realizing I spent so much time and energy on nothing.
I vow to stop letting my life revolve around others, and to start taking better care of myself in all aspects. I feel as if I've had a revelation that cannot be put into words.

The next goal

Like I said before, I'm used to putting out fires. Last semester, I was on academic probation and I told myself that I would get serious and get good grades. I ended up with a 3.2 gpa for the semester, taking me off of probation. This semester, it being my final semester before I graduate, my next goal is a personal one. As I said before, I've been missing the girl I used to be for a while now. I want to figure out what happened to her, and what caused this change. The biggest difference between the girl I used to be and the girl I am now is that the old girl loved everything about herself. She was fearless. While I love my personality and the person I am, I've been feeling unhappy and ashamed of my body. It makes me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Having a discussion about this with a friend, I realized that it affects every part of my life. So my mission now is to love my body. After I can start to appreciate it, I can move forward in a positive manner. For the next four months, I dedicate myself to working on myself and just having fun. Because of my unhappiness, I've been searching for validation in other people, and subsequently chasing them. When I should be the one being chased. I'm keepin everything fun, fresh, and funky. I will spend this time having fun, and continuing my collection of priceless college memories.

In sickness & in health or until the going gets rough?

Lately I've been seeing stories about couples who have been together for decades. It makes me wonder if it's possible for people in our day and age to have that. This generation is obsessed with having things when they want it; courting has been reduced to meeting someone, texting/calling (aka "talking") and then it seems that things deteriorate into just sex. While sex is a great thing, why is it that things need to move in that direction so quickly? People don't spend enough time getting to know each other before hey jump into bed. And then the person who inevitably gets hurt wonders what went wrong...maybe if you keep it in your pants a while longer, things might turn out differently. You may find that they aren't right for you before you sleep with them, or maybe it'll be more meaningful if you wait.
My point is...how do people get to celebrating their 20 or 30+ year anniversary? How do they stay together through everything that life may try to throw at them? What is it about previous generations that makes it possible while it is highly unlikely and rarely heard of for our generation? I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I don't want to be one of those people who have been through multiple divorces. I want the person I choose to spend my life with to be the one and only for me.

Wanted: Sparkly, fantastic happiness

Hello all,
It's been far too long since I've written. Things have been so hectic for me! But anyway...

I started this blog over a year ago as a mark for my journey to find clarity and serenity, and to harness my creativity and passion. While I do wish I was a bit more consistent in writing on here, I also have taken it for what it is. My one wish is that I wish I could be a bit more open on this thing. It's not that random people find it, it's that people that I know found this blog as well. And while this isn't a bad thing, it makes it a bit more difficult to be honest when you need to make sense of things and of how you feel when there are eyes and ears everywhere.

Complacency has never been a friend of mine. Because my life has always, and continues to be so hectic, I'm used to chaos and constant change. It's ironic, because my life's dream has been to settle down in one place, grow roots, and lead a normal life. This is still something that I want, but as I climb closer to that dream, I realize that it's not what I need. Complacency is almost like dying for me; in that I just stop feeling passionate, and alive. I guess I'm so used to fighting to keep afloat, or running around putting out fires that I can no longer appreciate a quiet, normal life. This kind of disturbs me.

Over the past year or so, I can say that I've changed a lot. There are a bunch of things, but the most important thing is the fact that I make myself happy, which, if you know me, you know is something HUGE. With making myself happy, I've become stronger, more confident, ready to shine. And here's the thing...I've spent so long in the shadows, and on the side lines that it feels awkward and almost wrong to step into that role. I realized the other day that I've been making myself less sparkly in order to let others shine. I didn't give a fuck when I was younger, and I was the center of attention because of it. I very much need to get back to that girl, its something that's been missing for a while, and I feel that void.

I think this sums it up nicely...
http://1x.com/photos/latest-additions/35333/